I cannot see any reason to visit anyone, SICK OR WELL, who will yell at me and be hateful. That's a waste of time. Many will tell you to realize this "is the disease talking" and to go. I am not going to visit "a disease". I would be visiting a father, or no one at all. I WOULD send lovely notes and letters, ALWAYS with pictures of people, places and things he MIGHT remember, so that the staff could read them to him if he's having a good moment. That's it. What sense is there in visiting someone who is ALREADY GONE. I simply don't get it, myself.
I did visit 3x a week. I have not gone in two weeks. He will scream at me until someone else drops by. He smiles, laughs & talks with them. As soon as they leave he starts the yelling and accusations at me. He wants to move into a house he owns, but he will require sitters 24/7. From past experience he will fire anyone who does not allow him to do what he wants.
Due to a particularly venomous visit, I now go monthly. The manager contacted me to say that seeing me left my mother agitated and she became physical with the staff. As they agree that I must be able to see her (to check on her, bring her stuff, etc) they discussed it with the doctor and will slightly sedate her first.
Your situation may improve when he forgets who you are. Most of the time my mother thinks I’m just some nice lady who pops by, but she can’t place me. So she treats me with courtesy. Although I have been subjected to hilarious stories about Ana, that daughter of hers!
My step-mother in MC is very passive, she no longer knows me or my brother by name, although sometimes she does recognize our faces.
She now thinks my brother is my husband.
This is one terrible disease. It is depressing to go there and stare at her, but we do to keep on top of her care. I go once a month and my brother does the same, unless we need to take her to a doctors visit.
Consider limiting your visits to less frequent and/ or shorter time spent there when you do go. It will be healthier for all. And remember, the loved one with dementia will not remember if you were there,when nor for how long; hence don't bother saying I'll see you again on a specific day or time. Simply say, I love you, see you soon. This is not in any way uncaring; on the contrary it is very caring for the loved one and yourself. Sometimes dementia patients are actually more content and may have less anxiety the more " routine" their day is with the facility caregivers ; visitors, although needed and caring, may actually provoke unintentionally increased pt anxiety which is presented in many ways including anger
Take care of yourself !!
This does not mean that you do not care nor love the person. Do not let anyone guilt trip you if you make this decision.
Thank you!! Since I have limited my visits, make quick exits when he gets extremely agitated, and “let it go” when I leave….I am so much better emotionally!
When my mother got ugly towards me while visiting her in Memory Care Assisted Living, I'd tell her I was leaving and why. That I'd be back at another time when she was in a better mood. Don't sit there and tolerate the abuse, dementia or no dementia! Your father knows what he's doing or he wouldn't be putting on a show for OTHERS AND TREATING YOU LIKE GARBAGE!
My mom was similar. Lashed out over and over. Tried to talk w/her to stop. Of no use. Limited/shortened visits and calls. Time between visits or calls got extended. Finally, went no direct contact. Dropped off a bag of snacks once a month w/a very brief note “you enjoy the treats” as the longer letters would just trigger a ranging voice mail message. There was no point in direct contact for her and certainty not for me, for my mental health
She passed a month ago bi have no regrets on the no direct contact decision. Was grieving the loss while she was still alive and now able to grieve her actual death
All of this is terrible for any in the midst of the dementia journey. Best of luck with your journey. Working with a talented therapist can be very helpful. Hope you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I appreciate your response very much. We grieve our loved ones because they are no longer who they once were, and at times it feels like guilt. I have to believe I do not need to sacrifice my life for my father, it is my job to make sure he is well cared for, not to make him happy. This forum has helped me to look at things differently and has taught me a lot.
Donna, no-one is forcing you to visit F in AL If he ‘complains and yells’, he isn’t enjoying the visit. If you aren’t enjoying it, there really isn’t any point. Suggestions:
1) Talk to the AL staff. See what their take on it is. They may find that he is wound up by your visits, and they are suffering from it too. Or they may have other suggestions.
2) Wear earplugs. You want to “see him”, literally, to see how he is. You don’t have to “hear” him. Watch and smile, take him something he can look at and handle, and leave it at that.
3) Drop down the frequency of visits.
Don’t let yourself feel guilty if you decide that there isn’t any point in upsetting both him and you. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
He needs someone coming by to ensure his care remains good and he’s being properly looked after. If it’s on you to do that, please continue at a distance emotionally safe for you. Drop by at varying times, talk with the staff for an update, see him from “around the corner” or whatever way works where you can briefly put an eye on him without him seeing you to start the yelling. You’re still his advocate, but importantly caring for you as well. I’m sorry this horrid disease has put you both through this, it’s beyond cruel. Protecting yourself is always wise
I do make impromptu visits dropping off supplies, quick visits, etc. There are only about 25-30 residents where he lives and he gets lots of attention. Thank you for the advice! I appreciate it!
I also hate visiting my mother with dementia. She vigorously complains, makes me feel guilty for her being there, refuses treatment and medicines, and I end up feeling awful. I have to remind myself that this is the best place for her and that I am doing my best.
Exactly!! As I am driving to visit my dad my stomach gets in knots. I wonder which dad will I see today…my sweet, loving dad or the mean, hateful dad?!?! For several months now he tends to be very mean. He has not physically “attacked” me (yet), but he verbally lets me have it! I did take the advice of several by not visiting him as frequently. I remind myself he is safe, he is being cared for, and he has made new friends. My motto for 2024 had been “Let go and let God”!
My daddy did not have Lewy Body or at least he was never diagnosed with it. He did have ALZ and he yelled at me, cursed at me, told me I was the worst daughter ever, to top that he would tell others as we were in a doctors waiting room that I was the worst daughter ever! Did I hate visiting him when he was in a home? No, I loved him too much. I hated when he would yell at me or tell others but I just chalked it up to the disease and if he got really bad I would just leave. He wasn't far from me about 12 miles each way from me. I always visited him and somedays were good somedays were bad. Yes its hard - my prayers for you!
My uncle isn't in AL but I can definitely relate to not wanting to visit to only get complaints and yelled at. I've tried for a number of years, and every single time it's been a miserable experience, and I always left feeling that I made everything worse for him by showing up. I never once got a thank you for spending almost 24 hours on planes/in airports to get to him, on a way out I'd get something like "I'm going to die soon" followed by some version of "after I die, you'll miss me being a complete a** to you." Dude, we'll all die, we just don't know when. All the more reason to actually attempt to be kind. He's outlived many people in his life that he was convinced he won't outlive.
I felt a lot of guilt for not wanting to go visit anymore. A therapist advised me not to, and just to send thoughtfully written holiday cards. It sucks. I'm working on accepting that I have to grieve losing who he was while he's still alive, and it's very hard for me.
I decided not to go today. I stayed home and enjoyed my afternoon. I put a card in the mailbox to go out tomorrow. He has called my husband multiple times all afternoon and tonight, but never says anything. My husband has tried calling him, but he never answers. 🤷♀️
That's a waste of time.
Many will tell you to realize this "is the disease talking" and to go.
I am not going to visit "a disease".
I would be visiting a father, or no one at all.
I WOULD send lovely notes and letters, ALWAYS with pictures of people, places and things he MIGHT remember, so that the staff could read them to him if he's having a good moment.
That's it.
What sense is there in visiting someone who is ALREADY GONE. I simply don't get it, myself.
Your situation may improve when he forgets who you are. Most of the time my mother thinks I’m just some nice lady who pops by, but she can’t place me. So she treats me with courtesy. Although I have been subjected to hilarious stories about Ana, that daughter of hers!
She now thinks my brother is my husband.
This is one terrible disease. It is depressing to go there and stare at her, but we do to keep on top of her care. I go once a month and my brother does the same, unless we need to take her to a doctors visit.
This is sadly a common occurrence.
Consider limiting your visits to less frequent and/ or shorter time spent there when you do go. It will be healthier for all. And remember, the loved one with dementia will not remember if you were there,when nor for how long; hence don't bother saying I'll see you again on a specific day or time. Simply say, I love you, see you soon. This is not in any way uncaring; on the contrary it is very caring for the loved one and yourself. Sometimes dementia patients are actually more content and may have less anxiety the more " routine" their day is with the facility caregivers ; visitors, although needed and caring, may actually provoke unintentionally increased pt anxiety which is presented in many ways including anger
Take care of yourself !!
This does not mean that you do not care nor love the person. Do not let anyone guilt trip you if you make this decision.
Best of luck to you.
My mom was similar. Lashed out over and over. Tried to talk w/her to stop. Of no use. Limited/shortened visits and calls. Time between visits or calls got extended. Finally, went no direct contact. Dropped off a bag of snacks once a month w/a very brief note “you enjoy the treats” as the longer letters would just trigger a ranging voice mail message. There was no point in direct contact for her and certainty not for me, for my mental health
She passed a month ago bi have no regrets on the no direct contact decision. Was grieving the loss while she was still alive and now able to grieve her actual death
All of this is terrible for any in the midst of the dementia journey. Best of luck with your journey. Working with a talented therapist can be very helpful. Hope you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
1) Talk to the AL staff. See what their take on it is. They may find that he is wound up by your visits, and they are suffering from it too. Or they may have other suggestions.
2) Wear earplugs. You want to “see him”, literally, to see how he is. You don’t have to “hear” him. Watch and smile, take him something he can look at and handle, and leave it at that.
3) Drop down the frequency of visits.
Don’t let yourself feel guilty if you decide that there isn’t any point in upsetting both him and you. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
Thank you for the advice! I appreciate it!
I did take the advice of several by not visiting him as frequently. I remind myself he is safe, he is being cared for, and he has made new friends. My motto for 2024 had been “Let go and let God”!
I felt a lot of guilt for not wanting to go visit anymore. A therapist advised me not to, and just to send thoughtfully written holiday cards. It sucks. I'm working on accepting that I have to grieve losing who he was while he's still alive, and it's very hard for me.
He has called my husband multiple times all afternoon and tonight, but never says anything. My husband has tried calling him, but he never answers. 🤷♀️