Does anyone feel resentful for caring for elderly old parent that resists doing what they need to be good? Lives with me full-time.

I see u have posted before and the one thing you have a problem with is Mom speaks Italian. Then you have that cultural thing, family cares for family. In hindsight, you could have told Rehab that if Mom is 24/7 care, that she needs to go into LTC because you need to work. If she has no money, then its Medicaid. If she has money, then Assisted Living or Memory Care, if she has a Dementia.

Burnt has a saying "Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn". Maybe you can use this on Mom. She needs to understand if she is not going to be cooperative then she is going to be placed. That you cannot afford to quit work.

Next time she's in a hospital, refuse to take her back. She needs to be in a facility, whether she wants it or not.

They all resist moving into a home, it goes with the territory. Me, I would never have a parent live with me, I have a life too and intend to live it without being abused by a self-centered elder who wants everything their own way with no consideration for anyone else.

It is not about what she wants, it is about what is best for both her and you.

You are not supposed to do anything you do not want to do.
Good Luck!

"Does anyone feel resentful....?" Yes, pretty much everyone on this forum. Try to get her an in-depth psychiatric and cognitive evaluation. This will help you decided what kind of care she needs.

I had a small problem with mine but not to this extent. But what would you do with a child? Do this or this will happen. She needs to treat you better or she goes to a facility that can help her. I had to use that one on my Daddy but he shaped up. Also, depending on where you are a group home can be another choice.

I can relate to being around the nastiness and someone fighting you at every turn. Boy, did I get mad as hell at times. I had a technique years ago and I still use it today. I call it the teflon pan method. It takes a strong constitution to ignore these behaviors, but people who work around folks with behavior problems are taught how to deal with this type of thing for their jobs.

I learned a method called diliberate ignoring. I grew up around drunks and had one as a spouse, so I learned how to tune them out in order to get things done. Unless they are hurting themselves or bleeding to death, there is no need to pay attention to them.

As far as mother goes, when she starts on her nasty tirades, you leave her in the room to cool down. Go shut your door, and do your work. Check on her periodically. Arguing with her is a waste of time. It only gets you more frustrated, upset and will run up your blood pressure.

If she continues on these tirades, assisted living or a nursing home placement would be your best choice. If this isn't a choice for you right now, look into respite care for yourself. My aunt had her mother living with her who had Alzheimer's Disease. Her mother was a very mild mannered and sweet woman before the disease ravaged her brain. She became beligerent and cussed like a sailor. Aunt T would have to place her mom in a facility for a couple of weeks to get some time away from her and catch up on things.

Check out the Department of Aging to see what type of resources are available to you. Have you checked into home care services?

However, judging from your explanation, it sounds as if you've reached a point of making a decision. If you feel you can no longer tolerate this woman in your home, its time for placement. You don't want to keep her around until the situation implodes into something you will regret later. Don't let her guilt you into extending the torment. It doesn't sound like this situation is going to improve without some sort of medical intervention and an eventual placement. Would she be open to a senior day program?

Carriebx, this happens so often, the parent/child dynamic is alive and not well when it comes to caring for our parent.

The parent will always think they are correct. We will continue to be the "child" no matter how old we are, and what do we know? And since your Mom lives with you, that makes it even difficult.

I remember my Mom wasn't always user friendly when it came to a doctor who was female, and Mom would say "what does she know?". Mom preferred doctors who were male because they were so much smarter. Mom at the time was in her 90's so that was part of her era where all professionals were pretty much male. Time to bang my head on the wall, but first I need to put on a helmet.

I also needed to put myself into my Mom's shoes. She had lost most of her hearing and eyesight. Gone were the days where my Dad and she could just hop in the car to run errands. No more 2 miles walks like they did not long ago. Dining out was difficult due to Mom's hearing. So many of their friends and siblings had passed on. Life was slowly slipping away. Dad took it in stride. Mom didn't.

When my Mom passed, my Dad sold his house and moved into senior living. The place was built like a hotel, had a restaurant style menu, weekly housekeeping and linen service, etc. Dad was happy as a clam being around people from his generation.

Wish I had better advice, but at least you know how the parent/child dynamics can change things.

You didn't fill out your profile so we don't know what health issues your mother suffers from. If dementia/Alzheimer's is one of them, the nasty/insulting/belligerent behavior goes with the territory and only worsens as the disease progresses. If that's the case, let me know & I can send you some good reading material on the subject.

You really cannot work full time AND care for an elder 24/7 at the same time, such a thing is not possible. Nobody is able to multi-task to THAT degree and be successful at both ventures. Each job performance will suffer; your full time work-from-home job and the caregiving job you've taken on for your mother.

Your mom may not 'want' to be in a nursing facility, but what we 'want' and what we 'need' as we age become two different matters. If you're already resentful, out of patience, and going out of your mind by taking your mom into your home, it's time NOW to consider placement outside of your home. Whether it's Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing cannot be said due to having no health info about your mom. But that's the only way to get your head straight again and your privacy back, etc. You say you are 'supposed to take care of your parent exclusively.' Who has made such a determination and why? What gives THEM the right to do so?? Let THAT person take care of mom full time instead if you don't want her placed in long term care or continue living with you.

Wishing you the best of luck finding alternate living arrangements for your mother.

Were you asking me "Any ideas on how to handle an uncooperative teen" I would tell you the same thing I am telling you now which is "No, I don't have a clue what you could do". The only tool left in the tool kit is the one to pry the elder out of your home (unless YOU live with her). You say she doesn't want this, but she is either unwilling or unable to comply with your requests, so it no longer matters WHAT she wants.
You will have to make choices now for your life. Your Mom has had her life. She either can or cannot live with others peacefully and safely. If she cannot it's time for placement.
Is this going to be without pain and tears for you both? No, it isn't going to be. But not everything can be fixed. Some things just have to be recognized as unfixable, and one must come to terms the best way one is able.
I sure do wish you good luck.

Was your mom cooperative in rehab? Did she complain about being there?

Have you considered that perhaps she would be happier in long term care?

I think sometimes fear (of falling, becoming ill, of end of life) turns into anger.

Is she on meds for depression?