Does anybody else hate the person they have become?

Trying to be perfect is a perfect recipe for hating yourself.

Don't try to do things perfectly. You'll always fail. Do the best you can and let the chips or packages or recipes or whatever you are trying to do perfect fall where they may.

I know of what I speak. I've always been a perfectionist. I think I inherited that quality from my Mom who I took care of imperfectly. In the end, all you can do is the best you can.

Like that old stupid saying goes. Don't hate the player, hate the game. In this case you are the player( in case that didn't go without saying. )

I know exactly how you feel. I am tired of the demands, negativity and manipulation. My husband and his sister decided 10 yrs ago his parents would come and live with us. I told them no but they promised to be here every day to take care of them. That lasted 4 months then they promptly left the state. My husband has had heart issues for 12+ years so I ended up being the one to pick his parents of the floor. Etc.. anyway lots of details you don’t need to be burdened with.

I decided I wasn’t going to be treated that way anymore. I push back big time now and they think I am being mean. I told them if they are not going to be positive and part of the solution I don’t want to hear it? Those that are able can wash there own cloths. I made a list and stuck it on the fridge. I would find someone to go have coffee with but after 10yrs of care giving I don’t have a list of people I can call. So I go on my own. It is very hard and lonely and frustrating but I want you to know that you are not alone.

Contact department of aging and ask ask them for help. They can arrange for someone to come in and help to give you a break. They can also arrange for care so you can have a vacation even if it is a stay vacation. They have been a lifesaver for me.

and I just want to say thank you for your service.

I think you're under a lot of pressure, (from different areas), which generated some anger & disappointment. Life is messy, & being unable to get things done 'perfectly' has been a problem for me, (& maybe you 2). Can you let things slide more, do only the things that really matter to you, & check around for some helpers who could maybe clean? (I agree with other repliers; that you're not obligated to handle those postal duties: with stupid gifts ect). Just put it aside, & if it builds up, too bad. (Stay RELAXED if your family asks about the gifts), & say: "I haven't gotten to it yet, lots to do". (((No debate))). You're being too demanding of yourself, but maybe that's normal for military folks, idk. Just my opinion, & I'm Hoping the best 4u.

I didn't like where I was at almost a year ago which is when I found this site. When I say that I am referring to how I felt within. I don't think my feelings ran as strong as you describe yours but I was down,frequently worried,stressed,overwhelmed etc. I just wanted to lie in bed. Flash forward to now and I feel much better even though my life situation has not greatly improved. In fact I could be more worried because we finally got our house ready to be put on the market and it is sitting despite a number of price reductions. I knew the market in our area was depressed but it has proven to be worse than my husband and I thought. YEAH right! Somehow my attitude towards life has shifted. I think visiting the AC site has helped a great deal. My doctor also doubled my dosage of Effexor. I think that helped. I am working on going back to my original dosage even though I don't recognize side effects. I think my personality,relatives,the past etc has shown me at almost 63 I am best being on antidepressants for life. I can accept that. I am not implying that a pill can solve problems but if the right one is found for a person it can help with our perceptions. I still have alot to worry about. Along with the house my husband now has a cancer diagnosis which can be treated but will have times of struggle. My mother in AL is of course getting older. There will be more financial concerns there as we feel her LTC policy will be ending soon. We are too afraid to really know when but it is coming. These are not minor issues but I know they are not catastrophic. Insert knocking heavily on the wood coffee table near me right now. I did not mean this to be a reply to you that is all focused on me although I can see how it may seem that way. Rather I am stating that while you cant change all that you hate in your life, you may be able to deal with it differently if you seek some help. I know therapy and medication may not be for everyone but short of winning the lottery I don't see how you can emerge from the mental anguish without some outside help. If you so choose this path,it may take awhile but I would think in time you might feel some hope. Something is better than where you seem right now. I lean towards sadness rather than anger when negativity gets a grip on me but either emotion feels awful. I hope you can get some help for yourself somehow.

"I am caring for my mother, living in my home with mobility problems." That's why you are burning yourself out? Because your mother has mobility problems?? To me that doesn't sound like a good enough reason to be trying so hard to please her especially not when the result is that you hate yourself!

Your grandson is 21. He's sort of supposed to be borderline useless. Does he have a full-time job? In addition to being gainfully employed, grandsonny boy must learn to become a man. Whose teaching him how to do that? Whose his role model??

Getting back to your mother. Recognize that the more you enable her to not do things for herself, the more you are disabling her. Of course you're tired. You're acting like her personal assistant. And that's a full-time job on top of the full-time job you have with the government, which provides you with good benefits and retirement? If you want to reach and enjoy retirement, stop forgetting about yourself, Forgotten, and *decide* to put yourself first for a change.

Stop asking for suggestions for meals. Cook what you want. If the others don't like it, they can learn to do for themselves.

Stop buying groceries for everyone. Buy what you need. If the others want groceries they can learn to do for themselves. Most grocery stores have online ordering and delivery.

Stop acting like the USPS. Your mother has plenty of time on her hands and so I don't understand why you're doing these things for her.

Stop being her personal shopper. Can she use a computer to browse online retailers? If not, there are a *ridiculous* number of catalogs she can browse for gifts and have them shipped to her out-of-state-children.

Stop finding containers. Show her the website to the Container Store, where she can find the right container for every single purpose. If they don't have it, it probably doesn't exist.

I know this may seem as though I'm making light of your situation but really I'm not. Your situation sounds to me like it's exhausting. You may be asking yourself "How the heck did I get here"?? You're wondering if someone will understand. And I do understand, along with so many other people on this forum.

I also know that the longest journey begins with a single step. Your journey to remembering who you are, what you want, and how you want to live your life begins with a single step: doing something good for yourself. And today, that may have been asking your question on this forum, where you will get lots of support.

I am not the kind of person who wants to be admired and applauded. Caregiving to the point that you have reached, is unhealthy and, in my opinion, that is nothing to admire or applaud.

As 1954 wrote - "keep posting". You are not alone. We care.

It sounds like you are trying to do a lot of things. That can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. I think that I might check with my doctor for a checkup to see if I was physically ok. Caretaking can take a toll on your health. I'd ask about depression, to see if you need help with that.

I think I'd inquire about getting outside help for your mother. Most people who work fulltime jobs need help at home to care for a LO. See what's available and what she can afford. And, get some respite time. It's important to have time for yourself to go out and relax and enjoy yourself. I ended up attending a school reunion and reconnected with some of my old classmates and we now stay in touch and get together for drinks, lunch, movie, etc.

To me, when you devote your time, energy, affection and care to a LO, it demonstrates that you are a good person. I'd try to take solace in that and how it means that you are a person who should be admired and applauded. I hope you give yourself some credit and find peace.

Okay. First. Please find a professional to talk to. If you can.

Or just keep posting here. Really, just keep posting.

As far as hating yourself, and your life, and everyone else?

You are not going crazy. And, admitting to feeling "hate" is just fine.

I feel the same way sometimes.

Please, understand. It may be your nature to believe that if you try hard enough then you can solve all problems, and that if you run into insurmountable roadblocks, you feel you failed.

It's all based on lack of control. Lack of being able to make things happen and get past incompetent people.

I have had increasing self-loathing since my mother became very ill and now is in a nursing home.

I think I understand what you are asking.

It probably feels like hate, but maybe it's extreme frustration from not being able to control what's happening, and feeling as if you should be able to make it all better, or at least not worse.

My totally uneducated guess is that you worked very hard on your education and getting a job you liked, and then....BOOM....at some point, family issues came in like an asteroid and blew up your world.

And, that's okay. It happens to a lot of us.

I'm really not trying to diminish your concerns. I have to take my mother to outside doctor appointments in a wheelchair with oxygen attached, and a secondary rolling oxygen tank. Not exactly physically easy.

Every time, when I can't handle the wheelchair and get a doctors' office door open or bump her into a wall, I say.....because there are always people there.... "I am sorry, I really suck at this." I don't know why I say that, because mostly people try to help me. But, I feel as if should be able to handle it on my own, and I feel like a failure when I cannot.

That's....I think...maybe....what you are feeling. It feels like self-loathing, and maybe it is, at the time.....but it's really being overwhelmed with being asked to do what we cannot do, on our own, and not being used to failing......not being used to being not in control.

I think that I understand. And, I'm just a regular person.

Keep posting.