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My mother has fallen a lot in the last 3 years. She shattered her leg, broke her elbow and her shoulder all at different times. She lives in an apartment for independent seniors. They do not want her to stay there because of the problems and liability. We are meeting with the doctor tomorrow. He has told us she cannot live alone anymore and he will not discharge her from the nursing home. My mom says she is leaving anyway. She lived with me (her daughter) and my family for a year and hated it. She has lived alone since dad died in 1983. She has moved 5 times since I brought her here where I live. She is very stubborn and gets mad and then we end up moving her again and again. She is her own power of attorney. I am the only child she has left and I was power of attorney, but if I didn't do what she wanted when she wanted she would tell awful stories which led to an investigation of me. At that time I took my name off the power of attorney. I am afraid if the doctor tells her this she will try again to get me in trouble. She has done this several times. She cries every time someone talks to her about this. She said she will not stay. What happens if she refuses. She is a pain sometimes and has hurt me deeply, but she is still my mother and I love her. I don't know that I have the strength to force her and I'm afraid she may just give up and choose to die. She is 88 yrs. old now. I was told she cannot be forced to stay there unless the doctor can prove her incompetent and goes to court. If she chooses to leave, where does she go? She won't stay with me and where she lives now wants to terminate her lease. What do I do? and what rights does she have? I have no employment because I had to quit my last job because she keeps getting hurt. We are struggling to keep our house and I need to get a job, but it is impossible right now. Stress level at an all new high. I don't want my mother to die because she is so unhappy but what else can I do? Where could she go?

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Unless she is cognitively compromised, I think legally she has the right to leave even if physically she needs to be there. It's my understanding that the only way to get around it is by having her declared incompetent so someone else would be given legal rights to make decisions for her. And yes, she can fire her doctor. My daughter is an internal medicine doc and just got fired by a patient because she couldn't in good conscience signe off that the patient was ok to drive- patient was confused and had physical problems that would cause her to black out occasionally. It wasn't safe for her or others for her to drive...
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I went through the same thing with my dad, very independent and head strong, would not accept help. The doctor tried to get him to allow a nurse to come in once a week and check on him he wouldn't hear of it. It took him falling and laying there for twenty four hours before i found him to get him in a nursing home. He has no choice now, he can not live alone, he can't stand by himself and I have to work. He hasn't complained much but I had no choice. I feel for your situation it is hard.
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I agree Maybe an attorney and seek legal gaurdianship .It sounds like as independent as your Mother wants to be she dosen't recognize her limitations putting her health and well being at risk. I'm sure its difficult to to deal with your Mother and her temper. Get a copy of her medical records and show your attorney. I know she may be difficult but what would be worse her temper and her threats or something happening to her and you didn't didn't take a firm stand. Document everything and if your Mother does make accustions make sure you have a witness all the more reason you shouldn't be taking care of her. I really can't believe someone would believe her over you what proof does she have?
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Your Mom is experiencing the most fearful thing any of us can possibly face. A total threat to her independence and control of others over the remainder of her life. If that does not make us panic , what will...be gentle , empathize, seek possible alternative solutions , and seek an objective mediator to help all parties come up with a solution
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I agree with madge1 and krandallmsw: you are dealing with a selfish person. Like my mom, she is so afraid of losing independence she is risking her health and causing others to lose sleep over her. I had a come-to-Jesus moment with my self about this concerning my mom-- I decided I made my wishes known, and she was free to choose. After that, I had no concerns. I want my mom to be in senior living, but she is a huge narcissist and can't get along with people for very long. I offered to find places close to me, or let her into my house when she was ill-- nope; not good enough for her. She wants what she wants. If my mom told lies about me to generate an investigation I would do just what you did. You could get guardianship when she is incapable-- and this may be the time. As someone said previously: where's she gonna go, a hotel?
The most important thing is to know you've done your best for her each day.
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She sounds alot like my mother. Mom thinks she will be able to stay in her home until she decides to go to a nursing home. Then they will meet her at the door with silver trays and white gloves, because they are there to take care of just her. And she can drive forever, she needs no POAs, has no Medical POA, doesn't want us to know anything about her financial business. Never goes to the doctor, they are quacks. And will make all decisions for the rest of her life until the last breath leaves her body.

So you see, you are not alone. I have had some of the same problems with mom that you are having. I finally decided, let her do what she wants BUT don't do anything for her. You mom expects to be bailed out when things don't work. You have got to stop moving her and jumping when she says how high.

These types will use you up and spit you out. They are selfish.

Keep her in the nursing home if you can.




I know you love her, but parents of this sort are beyond selfish. I would never dream of inflicting this sort of pain on my girls. Let the doctor keep her in the Nursing Home!!!!!
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Millory my heart goes out to you. The toil elderly care takes on our personal lives are unthinkable, unbelievable and unbearable at times. We deal with it hoping for a better and brighter day for our loves ones. We try to make their lives better while at times our own lives go for worst. But I've learned the hard way to deal with the patient and not the parent. God bless you in all that you do. Whether your mom can sign herself out of the nursing home? I really can't answer that question.
My heart goes out to you peeweedeb and my condolences for the lost of your mom. I lost my father (35) years ago. But, I don't know what it means to lose
a mom. I know it is very painful. "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" both of you
for God never sleeps.
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Sounds like a mess! However, if your mom is constantly getting injured, then no, she is not able to live alone safely. If you are not willing, or able to take her into your home, than yes, she needs to stay at the nursing home where she will have round the clock people to care for, and watch over her. Falls at home are a major concern for the elderly. Your mom is 88 years old, and without any other problems she may have , her balance is not very good, and her vision is also poor. I'm sorry to say, but the doctor is correct by not allowing her to go home alone. You must dedicate yourself to caring for her by either bringing her into your home, or figuring out some way for her not to live alone. Also, be thankful that she is still alive. I lost my mom in May and we did live together. My mom was very ill, and I took care of her. She was 80 years old, and I cry everyday because I miss her so much. Maybe that will give you something to think about. Good luck.
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Mallory, forgive me, in re- reading your post I see that mom's situation HAS taken a severe toll on you and your life. Please, put yourself first. Take care of the caregiver ( YOU).
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So sorry to hear about your dilemma. First things first, if your mother has not been diagnosed with dementia or a debilitating psychiatric illness she is in charge of her own life and able to make her own decisions. She could theoretically sign herself out against medical advice. Is she organized enough to make her own discharge plans without your help? As a licensed clinical social worker, to me the issue here is not so much your mom, but rather, you and how you respond to this difficult decision. You don't mention what toll this has taken on your own family, work or even financial burden to yourself? Think about limit setting for yourself, draw a line in the sand and allow mom to organize her discharge.
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Mallory, how was the visit with the doctor? What is happening now?
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What a dilemma.
It sounds like she values her independence above all else. including family and her safety.
If I were you, when you meet with the doctor and your mom, play up the aspects of assisted living that actually allow her to be independent: the aid is there for her when she needs it, but she isn't necessarily going to be hovered over, and she doesn't have to go eat in the dining room or go to activities if she doesn't want to.
Most people, from what I hear, resist angrily until they get there, because the imagine it's like prison, but once there, they love it.
Keep her pride intact and don't emphasize that she can't take care of herself. go with the positives. Best wishes.
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It sounds like it is time for Mother to consider assisted living. Would that be sufficient supervision/monitoring for her? As geewiz says, talk to the social worker -- much better any suggestions come from a professional than from you.

She can't go back to IL -- they won't have her. The doctor will not discharge her until she has a place with a suitable level of care. That isn't going to be your home. Even if she even if she signs herself out against medical advice, where is she going to go? A hotel?

Maybe the social worker can get her to see that she has to have some kind of practical plan before she leaves, with or without the doctor's blessing.

I am sorry for the stress you are experiencing.
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Mallory, speak with the social worker at the SNF/rehab where your Mom is now. He/she may have some ideas and will know the local options. Does your Mom have financial resources that can be used for aides? Assisted living?

Is thee any home sharing groups in your area? We have one non profit that matches those with homes and needs with those that can help but have no home.

I hope all the participants on this site are making their own plans and realizing the cost/time/worry involved with care giving, POA and Medical decision makers. The stress is unbelievable. Sorry I can't be of more assistance.
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