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I have a feeling my boyfriends father is faking some of his dementia symptoms to get away from his wife. He has this goal of living til hes 92 and always says shes killing him due to the fact that she has limited mobility due to parkinsons. He has advanced copd, kidney failure, breathing problems etc. While visiting him yesterday, the daughter in law and son were there. The staff asked asked if he knew who people were he said his old worker who was also visiting were his bosses and the other to were just ok. He was acting a little confused. The minute everyone except me and his worker left, he became normal and said look and make sure theyre gone i dont know why their here when they ignore me any other time. Then he got excited told us he was going to nursing home rehab and said now i can get away from house and my wife whos killing me. The bad part is now the family thinks its in the best interest to put the two of them in same rehab facility for a month.

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I'm not certain that Alzheimer's or any dementia would allow him to "fake" symptoms, however the stress of so many people could make him worse for a time. Also, as was mentioned, clarity comes and goes. Some of what he exhibits could be paranoia. However, I agree that if his caregiving has forced him into this self-protective role, there are serious underlying problems.

I don't know that they'd need a separate facility but separate rooms in a care facility for sure. There are many couples - even quite happily married - that prefer separate rooms in a care home.

You are right to say that he shouldn't be "dropped off for the weekend." He needs to stay in the facility. It sounds like the facility staff is put between the different siblings and they aren't sure what to do. It's a difficult situation for them, too.
This is too complicated for you to try to handle alone. I'd talk with the social worker and see if he or she can help you work this out.
Please update us when you can.
Carol
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For the past five years, I have lived with FTD/LBD (I don't suffer from or deal with, I have dementia).

I have a little trouble reading and comprehending/interpreting meanings as well as literal words, so if I have missed something in all these knowledgeable posts, forgive me.

I do have trouble remembering things. I have almost lost the ability to make even simple decisions (like what to have for dinner), I have lost all track of time (I couldn't begin to tell you how long I have been working on this post, plus lately every day is Sunday), my short term memory is shot and my ability to multi-task said bye bye years ago (this morning I made coffee by talking myself through the process, step by step).

So I frequently 'fake it'. I fake understanding what is going on around me; I fake understanding what you said or what I read; I fake not being confused or overwhelmed until it gets to a point of not being able to take it any longer, then I mentally and/or physically withdraw. I recently did not know who my 10 year old granddaughter is, so I faked it by playing a game with her about who she is.
Tacy022 is correct, "Even a two year old will fake a memory loss when the cookies disappear". I'm way past two year old, but so can I (especially if cookies are involved).

So, let me be honest: I fake it all the time, but not for my own gain.

I think the main point that has been missed in all the posts is this--none of the dementias, other than final stage and possibly not even then (Ill tell you for sure when I get there) -- none of the dementias are constant. We all have good days and bad days. Day before yesterday was so foggy I wasn't sure of anything, including myself; I could barely function, and spent half the day napping. Today is rather fuzzy by comparison. If you saw me day before yesterday and then we had coffee today, you might well think I had done some acting, some 'overdoing' or manipulating a couple of days ago. Granted, some attention seeking people do (and there are a lot of 'poor me's in this old world), and dementia will allow that, to a point. But all of us vary from one day to the next. There is little 'consistency' as consistency is usually thought of.

Before jumping to 'faking it' or 'manipulating', consider the person, what he/she is actually doing, and whether the day and even the time of day may be different from a few minutes ago (fog and fuzziness does come and go without warning). It is extremely important that you, who are without dementia, no matter who you are--doctor, nurse, technician, caregiver, family member, loved one--it is of paramount importance that you try to enter our world, to see the world as we see it, then make decisions about us; don't try to bring us into your world, for your world is so different from ours.

Just my 2 cents worth.
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I don't know about faking symptoms but I do know that people with dementia can also be manipulative at the same time. I think it depends on their level of mental acuity along with how people around them abet their behavior. My entire family will say that my mother, who has always been manipulative and nasty, now has dementia. But then, in the next breath, after telling about some shocking thing she has done, will talk about something like how my dad just bought her a new car and she cannot figure out the push button starter! She has always been sort of 'flaky', never had a job and has been babied all her adult life by my father, who she married at 17. No one would dispute she is narcissistic and probably bi polar. In her case I would say she 'is becoming more of who she is'. But there is no doubt she is also displaying some issues with confusion, memory, etc. So what is it? To me, it is who 'she is'. Dealing with her is always difficult and frustrating and always will be. As long as my father is in denial and as long as the rest of the family decides to think this is somehow amusing I am staying out of it. But yes, I am sure she knows how to work it, work it. And 'fake it'? Probably yes.
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I don't know about faking dementia, but thought I'd share this for a laugh. I am never sure just how " blind" Mom really is, but all her life she has milked any illness for attention.
The other day I was visiting and in emphasizing how bad her sight is, she stated, " I can't see that you are wearing stripes." ( which I was ) Hope that gives you a smile in the midst of your problems.
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Thanks everyone. Actually, im good. They are all crying now but i cried during the suffering so im not upset now. I knew he wouldnt die if i was home which is why i left. No one told me when it happened because i was with my friends and the roads were bad so i wouldnt drive back. It is for the best.
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Wow! My biggest concern here is why he would have to fake dementia to get some respite. Obviously he has alot to handle with his own health. I would not let them put wife in the same room. If he is her caregiver, and he goes into rehab, she should be eligible to go to her own room too. When/if they come home, I would make sure that he is not her primary caregiver. Maybe get the medicaid ball going to get her some help. Or search out assisted living for them. He obviously trusts you, by seemingly letting you in to his "secret" so please help this man.....its a cry for help.
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Thanks veronica and lucy. The drama got pretty bad last night so i recorded it all without the family knowing and sent it to the sister. So at 3 in the morning i got a text from her saying shell be here tomorrow. I finally will have an ally.
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Mrranch that was a wonderful post and so brave of you to put yourself on display. Thank you so much
I am slowly plodding along at 77 having recently become seriously ill and now slowly recovering. I hope i don't have dementia but who knows. What has happened is that i have become able to see things more clearly from a seriously ill patient's point of view and it has really been an eye opener. Please keep in contact
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I do think dementia patients can run an agenda on you. They can get an idea of what they want from someone, and change the presentation intentionally. Of course this is not the advanced dementia patients, but the ones who are showing more in the range of cognitive impairment and executive dysfunction can decide that the reasonable thing to do is to manipulate a situation or persons to get the thing that they want. They don't lose everything.
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The thing that concerns me about this situation actually is your involvement Tacy. I am worried that all kinds of HIPPA laws are being broken or circumvented by everyone concerned. Unless YOU have POA for your boyfriend's dad no one from his medical care team should be telling you anything. Now it is fine for "dad" to be talking to you and telling you things and naturally BF can share with you and listen to your advice. I know you have the family's best interests at heart so can you try and step back a little and see things from everyone's point of view?
As far as both parents going in for respite to the same facility, I don't think it really matters as long as they are not forced to share a room,
Dad may or may not be exaggerating his condition , again it really does not matter he has advanced illness in several areas of his body and be at or close to qualifying for hospice care. If you remember leopards can't change their spots. What he can no longer do is cover up what he is doing with the same skill because his memory fails him.
Mom has Parkinsons and that brings numerous other problems and in some cases also dementia so both of them need custodial care in one form or another together or separately unless the whole family can commit to 24/7 care in the home with or without paid help.
This is a very complex situation and I applaude you for your caring and involvement and while supporting BF is the loving thing to do it is really a family responsibility. Blessings
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