Many of you have heard my story that has been going on for the past 2 1/2 years. My mother was diagnosed at a Psychiatric evaluation with Frontal Lobe Dementia and Delusional Disorder. She sent over $80,000 to an overseas scammer that she thinks is in love with her. I went to court to get Guardianship and even after shutting down her accounts, she sold about 90% of the furniture in her home to continue sending money to the scammer. I had no choice at that point to transfer my Guardianship to our County Department of Social Services so that they could quickly get her into Assisted Living and sell her house and car. She has been in AL for a little over 2 months and while she is settling in a bit, she is still very angry with being there and wants a new phone and wifi for her computer, which she cannot have because she will immediately try to contact "Freddie" her scammer. She even told her Social Worker that Freddie would come to the facility and get her out.
My question is this: She continuously not only is asking for a new phone and wifi, but thinks she doesn't need to be there and will be going home soon. I have tried telling her that if she follows up with the psych appointments coming up, that she might eventually be able to leave, although I fully expect she will be in there forever. My son says that I shouldn't give her that "false hope". She will probably never leave. How do others handle this? Are you truthful, even though your LO is angry and doesn't fully comprehend why they are there, or do you "stretch the truth" and allow them some hope?
I told him that Dr. S (neurologist) and Dr. L (his primary care doctor of 27+ years at the time) felt it best that he live there. (That was the truth, although I was close to the breaking point, and our priest also concurred with the decision.) Their opinions carried more weight with him than mine did. I visited daily at first and took him on frequent outings, too, which helped. But the look on his face when I walked away from that locked unit broke my heart.
I've handled these type questions with a little of both truth, stretching the truth, and a lot of re-directing their focus by changing the subject. I like what you told her; then change the subject. Try to re-direct her focus to things going on there that she might like, socializing, meals, anything else but the subject of when is she going home.
If she repeatedly brings it up in the same conversation, this is normal. She's still adjusting to where she is, too. I've said things like 'if this doesn't work for you or you're not happy, I'll find another home & come get you.' I've even agreed 'yes, we can all live together', but this will never happen. Sometimes I've said you can't leave because you wouldn't be safe & have 24/7 care. It seems to comfort them to hear that, like a mom patting a baby. Then, they forget all about it, and return to their new lives where they are, and seem happy.
There's still complaining, and there will be crying &/or anger when you're there or on the phone. Much of it you have to tune out, though it's hard to do. Give it more time, for her and you to get used to all the changes.
Her being “angry” is not part of your problem except in the fact that her anger may disrupt her sense of peace and comfort.
I could not make a promise that I would never keep and wouldn’t want to, but I COULD skirt the truth by avoiding a straight answer, and in fact that IS what I do. You have done well up until now with an all but totally unmanageable situation.
It is sad that she’s angry and unpleasant, but as I’m sure you’re aware, she was also angry and unpleasant while she was giving her funds away. Your job is no different than it was. Think safe safe safe. Ignore angry angry angry.
Gee, tough question. I hope that you find the right solution.
Sorry about the scammer. That’s awful.