Do you dread going to the NH to visit?

When my mom was very advanced and mostly non verbal I found it easiest to visit during meal times or when there was a recreation event going on, sometimes I'd take her outside for a walk or I'd just push her up and down the halls - we could be together without having to come up with conversation.

I think it's an unwise idea to write things down on paper for your mother who is now beyond comprehending such matters, and causing her frustration as a result. Visits don't have to be about 'communication' using words, either written or verbal, but about just sitting with her and holding her hand. Body language is often able to communicate more than words anyway! Rub her forehead, run your fingers through her hair, tell her "I love you" and smile when you say those words, so that the smile is relayed THROUGH your words. She'll understand your message. The important things, besides the basics like food and care, is that she knows you're there with her and for her, and that you care about her. Whether dementia is going on or some other disease process that prevents your mom from understanding/communication, it doesn't really matter. Stop applying your needs to these visits, and focus more on touch and gesture while you're there: that makes a stronger statement than any words EVER can. Bring a snack for her to enjoy for later on, or to eat while you're there if she's interested. Towards the end of my mother's life, she'd even turn down her favorite chocolate chip cookies when I'd bring them to her during a visit. So we'd just sit together out in the sunshine and enjoy the weather together, she in her wheelchair & me in a lawn chair.

I too dreaded the visits to her Memory Care b/c it's very difficult to witness the decline of our parents who we love. I don't think it denotes a lack of compassion or understanding, or the need for a geriatric psychologist to guide us through b/c nobody can DO such a thing! It's an individual path we all walk alone, in reality, and one we have to figure out ourselves, too. And while we are all headed towards old age, with God's help, we're not all headed to nursing homes with dementia and the inability to communicate. The support and tips we find here on AgingCare from others who walk this path is often MORE helpful & useful than the 'expert' advice we pay through the nose to get, then scratch our heads wondering WHY we took that route to begin with? That's been my experience with the 'professionals', anyway.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. And I also wish you compassion and grace for YOURSELF as you walk this difficult path which takes a huge toll on us, the children of these elders.

Omg i could not have read this at a better time, as I lie here procrastinating going to the NH to see my dad. I dread it now, and go almost every other day, sometimes daily but he has declined so much and is so confused all the time, it makes it excruciatingly hard. I am depressed, and I am on only child so just me dealing with this. I have no advice, just that I relate so much and wish I didn't feel this way but it hangs over my head daily as a big dread. My dad is 90 with advanced Parkinson's, CHF, T2 Diabetes, incontinence, can't walk unassisted, kidney disease etc etc. There's no quality of life left with the recent severe decline in his cognition. I am just so burnt out and grieving the dad I used to have who is no longer this person.

My mom has vascular dementia. I go out about twice a week if I can. I go at mealtime because otherwise she is in bed sleeping. She is always glad to see me - especially if I take the grandbaby with me. She can't hear at all and can't process language very well anymore even if she could hear me. On good days she smiles and talks to me but it's word salad because she has Asphasia so most of the time it makes no sense and I just smile and nod. It seems to be enough. I dread going every single time and I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to go back for a few days after I go. But I'm glad I do, because my brothers are MIA and I'm the only one. Since I go regularly, she remembers me and almost always knows who I am - or at least that I'm someone she loves. So at least she gets some feeling of love and familiarity from my visits. My brother went the other day after not seeing her for a year and she didn't know him. Also, as someone else mentioned, it lets the NH staff know that I will be coming regularly at some point and so I feel that makes a difference in her care. But yes I hate it and then I feel guilty for hating it. It's a horrible cycle. Hang in there. We are all in this together!

I just returned from visiting my mother in her NH and I couldn't agree more. She has been there 3 years and is very, very slowly getting weaker, more forgetful, frustrated and difficult to deal with. She always wants to leave and believes that my dead dad will be there to pick her up whenever I visit. She never wants to leave her room as she can't hear. She will be 90 next month but I am sure she has many years ahead of her, continuing to decline.

People often say, "You are lucky she is still alive." Personally, I don't think the life she has is "living" and she is just a husk of the person she once ways. So "Yes", I dread going to the NH.

My mom had a four year stay in a NH and I dreaded every visit. She couldn’t communicate well due to stroke damage, making conversation tough, often one sided, and feeling forced. I continually had to remind myself of the importance of the visits, she desperately needed the company, and the workers needed to see that she was someone who was loved and cared for. We know without a doubt that it made a real impact on her care. Never a bedsore, never a fall, never a bruise in four years. It’s a fact that when people see you involved and caring, they step up and care more also. That doesn’t make the visits any more fun. I often took mom outside in a wheelchair if the weather was good, I talked about the plants we could see. I went during activities, her ability to participate was nominal, but both of us did our best and it was a distraction. Sometimes I just held her hand. The visits were long and awkward for me, but the life there was excruciating for her, to be away from her home, her family, and be robbed of all her abilities—not sure any of us can imagine until we live it ourselves. I truly wish you peace in this, knowing it’s so very hard

My dad was the same in the NH, and it was so hard to see. He often didn't even wake up. But the last time I visited him, he did, and he said, "I love you, honey." He died the next day. That was a gift you might not get, but it might be worth the difficult visits. The fact that she wants to sleep so much could be a sign the end is coming. Hugs.

I’d say go without expectations, and keep the visits short. Just tell her you are there and that you love her, and sit with her for maybe just 20 minutes, even if it took you longer than that to get there. Take this as time to breathe, to just “be” with her, even if nothing is “accomplished.” You and I have no idea what is going on beyond the seen - maybe something significant, maybe not. Whatever the case, this time can be a gift for you.

Also be sure to speak with staff a bit each time you are there, not with an agenda but just to ask after your mom or after them. It is important for them to know that you are there and take an interest, and this can make their care more personable.

Holding you in the light, along with the many others going through this difficult season-
Lois

I was lucky at Moms NH. A woman who knew her would visit with her husband, his stroke made him not to be able to do anything. She was a talker like me so we would pass the time talking. Mom was in her last stage so not really doing much but this lady would bring her into the conversation by saying "what do u think of that Peg?" Did the same with her husband. I never stayed real long. Just long enough to say I was there and make sure Mom was fine. Talk to the Nurses.

I think ur once a week at this point is enough. You know we do this more for ourselves then them. They have no idea we have been there after awhile.

Yes. Seeing my dad was so depressing. He stopped talking. A lot of times I watched him sleep or talked to his roommate if he was up.
I used to take him a small McDonald's shake occassional. But then he started to have swallowing issues.
I never knew he had a horrible bed sore that contributed to his death. I didn't find that out till I got his death certificate. I used to go there and he was always on his back. They are supposed to turn them every 2 hours. He never even had extra pillows on the bed, so now I know they never turned him.
You could go and take some reading material, or cut the visits short. It's hard to sit there and stare at them sleeping. I would also talk a little, but not sure if he understood. He had magazines I would comment on and just show him the pictures. He would nod.

Check her back and find out if they are turning her. There will be 2 extra pillows on the bed. Pop in at different times. Ypu will see if she is being turned. That way you know. Bed sores are horrible, and hard to stop once they kill off some area skin.
Id pop in and take a flower, or dress up her shelf with a dollar store seasonal items like a pumpkin, or a card. That type of thing.
I would stay an hour, but I'd have to read or look at my phone. Maybe you can wake her up?
Chat to the staff. They take better care, when they know the relatives and they aren't complaining. You can ask them how your loved one is doing.
If she is sleeping, then cut the visits 15mins if she wont wake up. I had to drive an hour and a half to see my dad so I stayed longer.
Matbe you can pop in at lunch/meal time and feed her,or see if she is eating ok. Take her something to eat, if no eating issues. Meal times are usually social times. Stay a half hour if she is awake.
Your gonna feel guilty if you stay or not. Take care.