I have mentioned this before, but my mother calls her house where I had moved in to help her. She calls from memory care morning, noon and night. It has been two weeks and I brought her some clothes and sweets and she saw me and thought I was there to take her away from the “horrible place” I put her in. The same things: food is so bad, she can’t understand anyone, she’s alone, I put her there to take over her car and the house…. The calling all day and lashing out at me makes me worried she will never adjust because she is very narcissistic. We explain we cannot bring her home and we are truthful about 1) the Dr advising MC 2) Social Services were called by someone so we can’t bring her home because of that. So our hands are tied. The place is lovely, clean and new. Do I just continue to ignore the 5,435 bajillion calls and stop visiting until she has “adjusted” or give up? (don’t want her to just give up.)
It seems from what you’ve said, that you may not be realizing that YOU are in control of what you’re hearing, and that at present, you’re still believing her when she criticizes YOU for doing the RIGHT THING for her safety and welfare.
The last sentence in your question states EXACTLY what you should be doing, for both HER WELFARE AND YOURS. Decide on a time of day when she seems most likely to be reasonable, answer the call, if she’s lucid and peaceful, chat briefly (as long as she’s pleasant) then after a minute or two, use “Oops, Mom”- “Oops someone’s knocking on my door, gotta go” “Oops the cat threw up, gotta go”, “Oops, my oatmeal’s boiling over Mom, gotta go” THEN HANG UP.
Another thought/question. What is it that you consider “giving up”? “Adjustment” to a new style of living CAN mean letting go of previous habits and adopting new ones, but doing so does not necessarily indicate a negative outcome.
You count in this equation. You’re doing what is the best you can on her behalf. Make SURE that you’re doing the best you can for YOURSELF, TOO.
This may be to stay away physically for a few weeks, but to keep in touch with cards, etc.
A visit from a geriatric psychiatrist may be suggested. Your posts hint at lifelong mental difficulties.
Mom may be adjusting just fine, but complaining to you. The social worker may have information about your mom's adjustment when you're not around.
Mom's inability to recognize her limitations is called anosgnosia.
Mom isn't "refusing" to adjust. Her brain is broken. It's not like she's doing this on purpose, although it can feel that way.
Think clinically and act kindly.