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Or read Margaret Atwood's "The Robber Bride"??

Shesmom, I feel for you. Live-in elderly parent and live-in-ish caregiver.....how suffocating. Do I think the caregiver needed to be at your T-giving table? No. She's an adult and she can figure it out. Life isn't a Norman Rockwell painting -- as she knows darn well from the line of work she's in.

As for the other issues, have you considered quietly/constantly interviewing new caregivers while this one is with you....however long it takes....then make the switch when you find a good fit?

With the frustrations you had w/the other caregivers (which are depressingly common, apparently), I can see why you're hanging onto this gal. But big picture -- she's poison. Her disrespect for you is galling. She ignores your instructions, and she is thoroughly inappropriate with your husband. Whether he's the type to take the bait or not, the caregiver is sending a huge message about how little she thinks of you. And even though she's OK with the tasks and (so far) not a thief, how can she be properly invested in your mother's care when she treats you and your husband like a joke? Very unprofessional.

And honestly, I suspect that something worse lies beneath her surface emotional immaturity and iffy people skills. She's 40 years old, has no car and her apartment is 40 minutes away? What the heck?? I know she doesn't make awesome money, but really...no car? She'll soon become comfortable asking hubby (never you) to drive her to Target, Walgreen's, etc. (Or is that happening already?)

She's 40 years old, dresses like a 20-year-old and can't get through the day without cooing over a married man in front of his wife? She needs to take her sick sh*t elsewhere.

You are in a crappy spot right now. I feel for you. But I think you know deep-down that the longer she works for you, the more she'll ooze unneccesary drama. If you have the stamina to keep shopping around, get on it.
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Shesmom, we're just kidding, don't mean to make light of any suffering you are going through, hope you're not afraid to come on back. What is your next question, how can we really help on a more permanent solution for you and your family?
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Ever see the film The Hand That Rocks the Cradle? Hmmm
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Put that in a to go doggy bag, please.
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Do we need to have a caregiver at Thanksgiving table?
NO, only as a side dish.
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Oh dear, our advice and the dinner including the caregiver must have taken a turn for the worst, the caregiver is holding them hostage and has tied the entire family up with the cloth from the new scrubs, or something like that.

Or, Shesmom decided to cook the caregiver and burned dinner.

I am hoping nothing bad happened.
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Thanks Rainmom, Sendme and Ladee.

We are ALL sitting down to dinner in a few minutes.

I am thankful for everyone who took their time to reply. Will check back later...
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Happy Thanksgiving, this has been such an encouraging thread. Good question!
Good result!
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I am a paid caregiver. The last place on earth I want to be on Thanksgiving is setting at the table with those that I see everyday....
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Happy Thanksgiving to you, shesmom! You do the pilgrims proud!
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Thank you everyone. Good thoughts and ideas all the way around.

There is no jealousy, I gave that up long ago. Her comments and behaviors were inappropriate. We spoke with her and she is scarce-not following my husband around.

We have decided to include her but I like the advice of telling her that Christmas is family time and she has the day off. She has an apartment with a room mate in the city and friends in the city too.

Whereas she is on call 24 hours it has never happened. She works a total of 4 hours a day-does my moms laundry, makes her eggs and toast for breakfast, simple lunch and simple dinner. She stands in the bathroom while my mother showers herself. She walks in back of her or next to her when my mom is using her walker. That is the extent of her working. She does not drive. She eats either with my mom or in her room so she can Skype her mom who is in another country. My husband and I eat very late due to our schedules.

My mom would not have the patience for puzzles but we suggested a simple card game, talking about not too personal life experiences but they have cultural upbringing differences they could share, etc. We also have a few relatives that can visit while we are at work.

I like the idea of scrubs.

Thank you for understanding that being direct is not being mean. It lets people know where things stand, the expectations and when things are going well too. My employees and patients all prefer directness.

It is vey hard having a stranger in our home. Plus we never get one minute with the house to ourselves.

I will keep everyone posted on how tomorrow goes. I am really trying here. I don't have to ask "WWJD", I know.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
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Oh my! Flirting with husband=unacceptable!
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Yes NYD did good. I have never had to hire a caregiver but I have heard, in my area, its hard to find one who will work. Had a friend who was hired to get together aides to take care of her charge 24/7, my friend being one of the aides. She would hire one for the weekend. Once working would say she couldn't work the whole weekend. She had so much trouble keeping aides that she lives with the woman 4 days a week and an aide that was good,takes the other three days. Also, there always has to be a firm person. That would be me because my husband is wishy washy but he would stand behind me. Yes, I agree it can be the way you ound but she said the way the doctor wants it, that iss the way the aide should do it. Yes, I think she should wear scrubs. There are some cute tops out there. Really surprised the aids don't. They are comfortable and saves there clothing. Looks more professional. You are not her friend, you are her employer. Keep it that way or you will have problems down the line, like taking advantage. I guess it would be hard to tell her again to stay home. Actually, I can see your point though. Invite her this time but make it clear in advance (tell her after TG) that Christmas is family time and because of this you will be giving her the day off with pay. If done soon enough, she can't have an excuse. You rr between a rock and a hard place.
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Just curious - where does she usually have her meals?
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I worked in Eldercare and we were "issued" a "golf shirt" type shirt with the company's logo on it. I wasn't forced to wear that, (it was kind of free advertising for the company, IMHO) and my client HATED me to wear it..it made her look old :) I don't remember having to be told what I could and could not wear to work, but this is common sense that you dress appropriate to the job! Are you using a reputable agency or has this been a "classified ad" kind of hiring? I'd see my hubby in the same situation. He is a VERY attractive "silver fox" kind of guy and women hit on him all the time. He is totally oblivious.
Unless you cannot find better care, you will need to really talk to this person. It sounds like she really doesn't have enough to do in a day---would your mother do puzzles? watch movies? put together humanitarian packages? Or is she really just in need of a warm body to watch her?
As much as I agree with your concerns, I know I'd have her come to dinner. No alcohol, good idea, but unless you help her transport to someplace else and back...she'll sit up in her room and feel like a naughty child. (Which, kind of sounds like she is, BUT.....) Good luck with this. The scrubs idea was great, also. I wouldn't have minded wearing those!
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You do not need to have her there for the holidays period. You're home that day. She does not need pay for the day off. Don't be guilted in anything. She needs to respect you and keep her comments about your husband to herself. Saying anyone would flirt with your husband is plain out of place. I would get a new aide . Trust you will get the right one. You don't need a vulture on your plate ... The turkey is enough. What nerve ...
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I don't understand how you can have someone living in your house who is supposed to help you 24/7 on demand, and not include them in Thanksgiving dinner. Is that the case here? That sounds pretty unjust. I hope that is not the situation. Recognize that you are also experiencing some jealousy towards this girl. Jealousy always makes me crazy, and its a 'disrupter' to normal thought just as anger is. Maybe there is a problem with her flirting with your husband, but it can't be dealt with by sending her out to a restaurant on Thanksgiving.
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#1 You are entitled to have Thanksgiving or any holiday celebration as private family time WHENEVER YOU WANT.
She is a paid employee and not your relative. Hurt feelings or not she has been given the holiday off. Stick to your decision.
#2 FIRE HER. This has nothing to do with personalities, this woman has crossed professional boundaries with your husband and has admitted it to you.
Start looking for her replacement immediately and let her go before she does more damage to your family.
My thoughts are will you, Your instincts are correct about this woman. She is trouble.
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And now, I am the sorriest! To everyone! Loved the flip chart and four point seminar!

After thinking on it, if this is a live-in caregiver, and she is home, there would be a problem in not having her at the table, imop. So, I guess you have to decide if you want this person in your home after that. Does she still have a home, or is this it for her? That would be a whole other issue. Keep posting until you all figure this out. You could treat her as an employee and ask her to help with the dinner and clean up. You could have her cook for Mom and you go out with family, leaving poor Mom with caregiver? There are so many possibilities.
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Okay, now I'm sorry that you're sorry! Lol - it's all good! I guess none of us would be here if we weren't the type of people who try to help others.
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Sp. Contributing
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Rainmom, you said nothing wrong, and your advice was generous, not too broad a range. It was me that over-reacted, the chaos brought into this womans home by the caregiver just pushed a lot of buttons for me. I was wrong to put it in such a way that made you or anyone else contibuting excellent advice appear wrong. I apologize, so sorry. Thank you for generously explaining your thought process to me. You and everyone else are great, it's me, not you. So very sorry.
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Sendme - it is a work environment to the person who is paid to work there. However to Susan it is her home and her family. That's why I said this is an interesting one - a complex one may have stated it better. The advice I gave was a way for the poster to try and correct the situation in a professional, direct manner IF she felt this caregiver was worth holding on to. I did state that it seems that a level of inappropriate behavior had been going on for a while and that changing the behavior of this woman would be an uphill battle. I totally agree that direct doesn't equal meaness - which is why I discouraged any warm fuzzies. The employee needs to be clear on the fact that this is serious and the employer mean business. In re-reading the original post I now realize Susan did not ask how to correct the caregivers behavior so I am guilty of over advising. Susan asked if it would be rude to not include the caregiver in the Thanksgiving meal. I suspose I could have just said "yes" or "no". I guess it is my own assumption when someone posts at this site they are looking for a broader range of answers. Susan also did not ask what any of us would do regarding this caregiver but she got plenty of that as well. So I guess the risk you take when posting a question is getting more advice than you want along with advice not quite in line with your concern. You pick through, take what you need and leave the rest, I guess. BTW - I also have a needy single lady living next door - always asking to borrow something, asking hubby to fix something, chatty with him while I get an occasional "hi". Makes you nutz, huh? Needless to say my talk with hubby did not follow my four-point seminar and defiantly no flip-charts were involved.
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A person's home is NOT a work environment.
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Have re-read the entire post, and see that I had only read this last page. I see that you did receive support, and provided feedback to the forum. Maybe I did over- react since we have a neighbor just as you describe. Her behavior was never corrected, she was very needy, she only took from us, increasing her neediness and the things she needed us to give to her, until it was causing a rift between my husband and I as she tried conning him out of another possession. She could not relax unless she got his attention-then felt free to criticize him. Of course, the whole neighborhood got an earfull from her viewpoint. She also shared gossip about other neighbors, so we ended the neighborliness. Thanks for letting me get that out, but the caregiver's behavior reminded me that even a uniform would not change the behavior of the person who acts/dresses this way, imop.
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I agree with Veronica.

Wishing that it is me jumping to conclusions, reading something that is not there into the thread, wishing I am wrong.
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Susan, you are on the losing side of this situation no matter what.
-Since when does 'being more direct equal being mean?'
-Talking about professionalism in employers, since when is an employee wearing tight yoga pants and flirting your with husband professional?
-I agree with Garden Artist, that maybe the caregiver would do well to volunteer at a soup kitchen on that day if she has no where to be on her day off.
-the caregiver sees herself as 'close' to your husband and not so much with you?
Because something is 'wrong with you?' What does any contact with your husband have to do with her caregiving your Mom, let alone becoming 'close?'
-You say your Mom has noticed. You have noticed. Your husband has noticed.
Where are you finding your caregivers? Why is there so much interaction with your family if the caregiver is there to caretake your Mom?
-Just the fact that you had to ask this question sends up so many red flags! Why are you doubting yourself?
I am guessing you came here for support. I don't see that happening here yet. Maybe some have jumped to conclusions?
Do not open the door and allow wolves into your home.
Your worries cannot be solved by becoming a better employer or closer to your mothers caregiver. Have your mom fire her. Before thanksgiving.
It's a full moon, I have seen this behavior on the threads before. Maybe there is something about you that I am not seeing, but the caregivers have been less than welcoming to you and your question. Just saying, because they are good people.
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I'd be worried more if she admired the husband in silence and secretly; if she did have intentions, she certainly isn't going to announce it.

She's also from a different generation; maybe that's accepted behavior in her age and social group. As has been suggested repeatedly, the OP needs to have some discussions with her to try to work out these differences. That's the way professional employers handle issues - achieving good working relationships doesn't happen overnight.

Personally, I would never be a caregiver b/c I wouldn't want to deal with amateur employers.
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Most people would like. More direct person? - um no. I get a lot more done with sweetness rather than coming off as mean. But I'd give her ( the caregiver) a great big dose of directness if she was flirting with my husband for sure. Look I'm 57 and no 40 year old in yoga pants better flirt with my man!
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I'm really finding it interesting and somewhat sad that this is occurring on a holiday for which we theoretically are giving thanks, originally to First Nation people who helped settlers.

There's a thread on one of the gardening forums I visit in which members share how they're spending Thanksgiving. Some are working at soup kitchens to help dish up meals for the homeless and needy. Before the holiday others are donating excess produce from their gardens to soup kitchens. One woman paid for a night's stay at a motel for a homeless woman.
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