I am having a conflict with my brother over scheduling matters. My mother had a stroke in August 2017. She was left with mobility loss / post stroke dementia.
She lives with me and my sister here in our family house which she still owns all on her own without anyone else’s name on it’s ownership with her.
The thing is since her stroke she has had various health challenges including urinary tract infections. She had SEVERAL in early 2018. One each month from February to July. Finally, she was placed on a preventative daily antibiotic. Things are better but she still gets infections. Two of them since the antibiotic started and the last one was just in March.
She has also had bowel concerns going on. She just went through TWO bowel illnesses this winter and spring. One in December / January and one that ended not too long ago… From February to March. They last weeks for her instead of only days. Then she has had experiences of sometimes just being over tired from what we feel could have been side effects from stroke medications as well. She has had chronic back aches with arthritis too.
The point is that since her return from in patient stroke rehabilitation back home my brother believes my sister cancels out on too many of his ideas about trying to see her in person either visiting at the house or cancelling on taking her out for some outing etc…. due to some reason of my mother’s... Like she’s ill again or tired again etc… He contacts my sister to arrange things ahead of time and then he says my sister tells him not to come after all.
Now, Please be aware, when I say “He contacts her ahead of time,” MOSTLY when he just wants to see her at the house that day, he phrases it, “I want to drop by and say Hi to Mom.” And he only contacts my sister THAT VERY MORNING anyways. My sister and I REALLY prefer that he contact us at least the night before if he wants to drop by the next day. But what can happen is that he’ll contact my sister at between 9 and 10 am on a weekend morning and say, “I’d like to come up around 12pm or 1pm.” This is not much notice at all.
So now, he asked our mother if it’s ok with HER ( our mother ) if he “just drops in WITHOUT calling first” to see her. He told my sister he believes he has to do this to see her when he wants to see her because if he contacts her first she gives him reasons not to come to see her that day. My mother says yes that IS ok with HER if he comes without any notice at all. ….. Even though I don’t feel she is really that into people ( even her children ) just dropping in without ANY notice herself. 😊
My brother lives an hour and 15 minutes away by car. He seems to be EXTREMELY BUSY with his business career. We appreciate how busy he is but that doesn’t change our mother’s various health challenges… AND the fact that WE are the ones living with her and helping her get through all of them.
It IS unpredictable. Dementia ALONE IS unpredictable since ANY DAY can be like a roller coaster. Then you also add on various physical challenges and that adds to how unpredictable the day can be too.
HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT A SINGLE WHOLE DAY COULD BE LIKE HERE. BUT WE DO. And having who knows what could be going on that day coupled with having to anticipate him driving in unannounced just doesn’t feel fair to my sister and me.
I feel we would like to advise my brother to actually at least contact us the night before to let us know he wants to come hoping for the best going forward since our mother is actually FINALLY improving lately with medication additions for challenges and with subtractions because of side effects.
Can anyone Please reply as to whether or not we are within our own rights to ask him to consider OUR wishes as well as our mother’s words… Considering how vital we are to her daily health and well being… Even if we don’t technically own the house?
THANKS SO VERY MUCH FOR ANY AND ALL REPLIES TO ME. :)