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In 2012, when my grandma passed away, my mom moved in with my husband and I. Prior to my grandma's passing, my mom was my grandma's full time caretaker. After my grandma passed, my mom did not have the financial ability to live on her own so she moved in with me and my husband. Fast forward to 2017, she is still living with us and it is driving me crazy. We fight consistently and we both have said some very nasty things to each other. She has these unsaid expectations that she expects me to know.


She is 62 and I am 31. I don't know how many more years I can have her live in our home before I go crazy. Since I turned 18 and went to college, I have never lived with her. I love my mom but I feel that my love for her has turned to resentment. I can move her into a retirement home/assisted living but I don't know if that is the "filial" or "right" thing to do. She wants me to do all the work to find her the new place if it does go forward. I have a stressful full time job that requires me to sometimes work when I'm home. I feel like I have an adult child and as bad as it sounds, I sometimes wish she would just go away or maybe I can just pack up and walk away. Had I known I would have to take care of her to this extent, I wish she would have never given birth to me.

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Dear Libby,

I know you love your mom. And you are doing the best you can. You have a lot on your shoulders. And I'm sorry this situation is very trying. I hear you. Taking care of our parents as they age is very hard. It can lead to a lot of resentment and anger. Please try and tell your mom how you are feeling and have a frank talk with her about all the options available. I don't know if there are any community resources you could access. Perhaps a social worker can help you get some help. Or maybe some family counselling. Us, women try so hard to be the helpers to our parents. But it does take its toll. I hope you can find the help you need to make the best decision for yourself and your mom.
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This woman is in her 60's and hasn't been employed for years, she can't even say she has been caretaking for the last 4 or 5 since her mother died. I think it is unrealistic to expect she can just rejoin the work force even with a major attitude adjustment and career training.
I wonder if she is suffering from clinical depression, depending the level of care grandmother needed and the nature of her death she may even have PTSD.
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Your local unemployment office will surely help her to find a job, and or benifits for a displaced homemaker. There will be classes available, resume making courses and assistance too!

Senior Apartments are Awesome, and will also place her in with others of her same age group!

You are Way too young to be the caretaker of your young Mother! From the sounds of things,  you have yet to start a family of your own!  Don't let your Mom cripple your marriage and relationship with your husband!  Painful resentments will build, and sometimes can completely fracture a marriage.  Don't end up being a statistic!  Marriage is hard enough with only the two of you in it!

Once she's begun living again, and out from under your roof, I hope she will blossom, and become the friend/Mom, you always wished for!

Good luck going forward!
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You can move her into a retirement home or assisted living?

Really??? She's 62!

Your poor mother is also at the bottom of the deepest imaginable rut, by the sound of it. You don't say how many years she spent as your grandmother's full-time caregiver, but I know from experience just how much stuffing that kind of commitment can knock out of you, and quite quickly too.

So your mother ended up bereaved, broke, homeless and - this is harder to explain - feeling without purpose or use in life. And unfortunately your very kind (and filial :)) action in taking her in had the side-effect of enabling her to do nothing about her feelings.

Except bitch at you about them, without properly expressing them, obviously.

So. Your project heading is "how to get mother off her butt - and out of my HOUSE - in the nicest possible way." And I think you'd better find advice from outsiders in your area, because at this point I doubt if she'll take it from you. She needs: gainful employment; people to socialise with; her own nice place to live.

Discard any idea that you are being harsh to your mother. You are not. Helping her get her own life and her own personality back is the biggest favour you can possibly do her.

Look around your area for organisations who can advise you and help her. Adult education, employment agencies, volunteer groups are the kind of thing you're after. Any beginning is a start, you just want something to reawaken her interest in the outside world. Best of luck, and please keep posting.
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"Mom did not have the financial ability to live on her own." I can believe that. Caring for her mother could easily have depleted her savings and prevent earning money or putting any aside for her own old age. It was kind of you to take her in and let her get back on her feet.

But for heaven's sake, this is five years later. What has she done to improve her own financial situation? Did she seriously expect you to subsidize her the rest of her life?

If you don't really want to be in this situation for the next 30 or 35 years, act now to change things! It doesn't have to happen over night. You can probably wait for her name to come up on a waiting list (if it isn't too long). But start the process now.

And while you are not under obligation to find her alternate housing, it is more important to you than it is to her, and if you want it done soon (and you do!) doing it yourself will pay off in the long run.
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I would let your mother know that it is high time for her to find and get a job and move out. You can HELP her find an apartment but not find one for her. There are many seniors that work, one of my co-workers is 85 and works part time. Don't be afraid to remind her that she isn't 2 anymore but a grown woman that can do this on her own.
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There also are a lot of old people with big homes and empty nests who are seeking roommates to share the space and socialize with peers. It's like Golden Girls! It's very important for your mom to be around other people her own age. And it's even more important that you and your husband have the space and privacy to enjoy each other's company. Some people are very needy and clingy. If your mom is a needy/clingy person you must, gently, help her get a life.
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Just wanted to add, government related paperwork can seem overwhelming to someone who hasnt dealt with it a lot. Even a simple rental application looks hopelessly complicated by the time all the legaleze is added. Mom probably will need your help.
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Umbrella, so I'm 63 and I work. What about your Mom? Does she have a Job? Things to occupy her time? If not, why not?
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Do you know if her being disagreeable is something new or characteristic of her? If it's new, I'd question what is going on? Has she had a physical lately? Can she function on her own? Why are you taking care of her? Is she sick, disabled, immobile? Why is she being so difficult? Has she had a mental health assessment?

Since you brought her into your home to help her out, I'd try to help her get set up on her own, if she's able. Maybe, it's not your place and you are busy, but, once it's done, it's done. I'd bite the bullet and find her a place she can afford and like Wvavet says, in a senior building. If she has limited resources, she may qualify.
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I would sweetly and quickly help her find (probably HUD income based) her own apartment in a senior living building. I work in one and they are not bad at all. Research Hud, section 8 elderly complexes and get her on some waiting lists ASAP! I say sweetly so she doesnt feel she is getting dumped and quickly for your own sanity. Hopefully she will find a support system there before she gets older and depends on you for everything!
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