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Second one rubbed back of first one as they watched me with my bad shoulder stir with my left hand. I said, "Gee, I"M the one who could use that, since I cooked all day yesterday, got up with Mother all night, and am now fixing you two lunch."
Second one smugly said she didn't want to distract me from what I was doing. First one--loser male--just glared at me.
(I just noticed this is my SECOND response. Oops--guess it really pissed me off. LOL) Carry on!
ljk: "a large dose of forgivness" would not be necessary if all sibs pitched in to help. You can do things, both big and small, to help whether you live in the same town or even across country. At the very least, contact your parent on a regular basis, offer to come stay on a monthly or even yearly basis, call the caregiver and ask (not tell) what you can do to help.
Marcella owes her family no excuses or even "diplomacy" if they are rude enough to insinuate themselves on an already brutal situation. All armchair family members need to become FULLTIME caregivers, with all it entails, for a LONG period of time before they can judge anyone's actions.
Those that came for Thanksgiving were directed to help Ma with whatever she needed (since I was "busy"), then they ended up eating either standing up, or on the back porch (it was about 60 degrees). Nobody stayed long afterwards, and there has been NO mention of being here for Christmas.
I may not win any awards for being the best Martha Stewart type hostess, but my priority is the comfort of one little 94-year-old (who doesn't remember these other people) and the 2 of us who care for her 24/7 (whom she also doesn't remember sometimes). The others can "get over it", as it works for me.
Good luck and Peace.
It sounds as if you plan to hold your ground. Good for you. Caregivers by the very nature of the word are "givers." So we nod and say yes to even the most unreasonable demands just to "keep the peace." For me, personally, it is making me more resentful and short-tempered. I used to be this laid back person...now I do not even recognize myself...it's just exhaustion.
Maybe the answer is to draw the line in the sand and not let anyone cross it. If they become upset with you...they will get over it. Also, as many have said above, tell them, "oh, Mom would love to visit with you, when can you come stay with her?" Then listen for the sound of crickets in the distance.
Sorry if this note is a little "edgy" but I was just regaled with my Mom's praise of my no-where-to-be-found sibling. And you, my dear, have heaps more on your plate than I.
In light of the upcoming holidays, I wish you (and everyone here) some respite from these dark,stressful days.
Peace,
Lilli
I feel your pain. My 89yr. old dad has only been with us for 3 weeks but it feels a lot longer. My 3 older and 1 younger sisters have seen him 1 time since then. I had the same issue for Thanksgiving, my sister and her daughter decided to stay to "help" (by the way they only live 30 minutes away). Some help, my sister didn't lift a finger, left my son's room a mess with newspapers all over the floor and my niece was texting the whole time she was here. What I would say to your family is, "it's very nice you want to spend time with Mom, so I will give you all the time you need and I'll make the supreme sacrifice and go to a hotel for the night!" Believe me, they will think twice before they pack an overnight bag. I hope you enjoy your holidays.
The key is to keep away from attack language "you make me angry and stressed out with this unreasonable expectations." That puts someone on the defense right at the get go. It is better to own your feeling by speaking in first person, I, "I feel angry and stressed out by your expectation to stay in my house" (that is stating facts and feelings without evaluating what kind of expectations they are.) Even my first sentence from an earlier post changed a bit, "Your expectation to be house guests does not make me happy." is not a direct attack. Just tell them factually what you feel and factually what you will and will not do, period. Don't let them through you into compliance with guilt trip words like you ought, you should, you could, ect. Naw, tell them I will do this and I will not do that and I shall chose what I am going to and not going to do. People are surprised often when they don't expect it and someone says to them "I will, I shall, whatever instead of "I guess I could or would or should or ought to, but I'm really not up to it" That sounds softer, but it's weak and what people who spout tons of dense F.O.G., i.e. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. I wish you well and I am proud of you for standing your ground and if you want to quote me to them, you have my permission.
I explained in great detail, still very selfish behavior.
I am done..I am standing firm. I would really love to have said what you had written. To top it off, when my mother is stressed she breaks out with the herpes virus. I am already dealing with dementia, cancer, prolapsed rectum, and bladder. Just a simple bath turns into a nightmare sometime.
Thanks again, Thank you for letting me vent! And yes my sister knows exactly what I am going through.
What is your situation? Who are you caregiving for?
What a great time for you to escape to a local hotel, take a nice hot bath, and let the relatives both give respite care for your Mom and prepare you an amazing Thanksgiving feast! Show up just in time for appetizers. Thank them profusely for offering you this vacation, and let them in as you are walking out with your bag. Of course, this is probably a fun fantasy - but what if you could pull it off!!!! :-) I'm amazed at the insensitive behavior of family, sometimes.
Ruth
Who are these intrusive, boundary bashing relatives? They sound like the type that I would not want in my home anyway relative or not relative.
Stand firm with your boundaries.
christmas. I was so exhausted I could hardly think! The family showed up for Christmas eve dinner, my brother, his new wife, mother in law, my sons. After they left my brother was apalled at the mess the house was in , etc. No one even offered to help me the entire time I was struggling to take care of my Mom. All they did was complain.
This year, I'm not having christmas dinner here. It is sad to lose the family gathering but for now I know I can't pull it off . They can stuff their own turkey !Time to change the Christmas arrangements!
They do not live with me. 3 family members want to stay over for the Holidays. I can barely think for myself. They are still aware of my situation and insist on coming. I said I am sorry I can not put one more thing on my plate. They are offended.
My mother has cancer and dementia. Just getting through the day is a miracle in itself sometimes. I have been her caregiver for over 6 yrs. I am plain and simply burnt out.
Thank you for responding.
I read on one thread that your mother lives with you.
I have had to kick family out from every sleeping in or visiting in my house again. My wife did not like this at first, but I let her know that it was either me and the boys or her mom would have to go.