Do I visit my mother in a new memory care facility or wait?

Perhaps the doctor and facility want you to wait a bit if there were any new medications. New meds can really throw an elder into sometimes a hallucinogenic state depending on what it is.

There is a balance needed - if you are there to help with every meal & most of afternoons then she won't intergrate with her new companions thus loosing the window to make a smooth transition into her new routine -

There are recreational activities that she will miss because you are there - unless your mom wouldn't go on her own - there usually is a way to check with the rec dept. - I have occationally jointed mom for live music, bingo, art projects but she was already participating

You will have to balance the above with still giving a sense of family loving & caring for her because you don't want her to feel abandoned either - check with the geriatric phyc people as they know her, her abilities to adapt to change & can give you the best way to proceed so her transition is easy on her

Thanks so much for all of you input! Luckily, the facility said that they just want families to do what we’re comfortable with, so someone has visited every day so far (since Wednesday). She seems to be transitioning very well and other than asking to go home with is when we leave, which I anticipate will be new norm.

The rationale for waiting to visit is to allow the elder to "settle in" at the new facility. As one person noted, sometimes residents become very agitated after a visitor leaves; it causes them a lot of confusion in terms of where they are "living" now.

It's a bit like sending a kid to kindergarten that first day. The absolutely worst thing a parent can do is to stand there sniveling and making a big scene when they say goodbye to their kid that first day. What I'm hearing from some of the posts is that the frequent visits were really about the adult child's "emotional needs" - guilt and all that - and not really in the best interests of the elderly parent.

It is often better just to PHONE daily for the first week or so to let the elder settle in - and then pay regular visits on a routine schedule. Been there, done that.

PS - As an aside - on my first day of kindergarten, my father walked me to school. (I was still 4 years old.) He reported that I walked into the room, saw the other kids playing, turned around and said to him, "Daddy, thank you for walking me to school; you can leave now." He said he was emotionally crushed - but he knew I would be just fine in the world after that point.

I agree completely with Christine73. The advice from staff to not visit makes it easier for them, not for your mom. So what if your mom gets agitated for a while after you visit? She'll calm down. It's better that she get to see you sometimes and know that she is still loved than that she remain constantly calm. I also agree the point that monitoring the staff is important. No matter how well intended the staff, I have yet to see a facility that is adequately staffed. There are always things that fall thru' the cracks and family or advocates need to draw attention to them. Not visiting is you have any option to do so is, indeed, cruel. I live 11 hours away from my mom and still visit as frequently as I possibly can. We talk on the phone three times a day. One of my brothers talks to her at least once a day; the other sees her once a week.

Definitely visit! My mom has been in a NH for 3 years and 3 months. I've seen A LOT. Your mom will get better care if you are there regularly than if you are not. You need for them to know that you will be around NOW, while they are still developing her routine, so that they do the right thing from the beginning. Not visiting is cruel. But easier for the staff.

I stayed away for 8 days when my 80 year old husband was admitted to Memory Care Facility. Big mistake. He was coming from our home and used to my being with him every day. When I went to visit him after the 8 days away he was in tears and kept holding me and saying “I missed you so much” over and over. He has been there 5 months and has now adjusted so I can not visit if I don’t feel well or need to do something and he is fine.

I agree with the answers saying to do what is right for your heart. My Mom also went from a hospital to a dementia facility. The wonderful staff told me to stay away for a bit so that she could learn to trust them. They called me everyday to let me know how she was doing. After a few days I was told a brief visit would be ok. When my Mom saw me she got up and walked out of the room. She told the director she was mad at me. Before long I got into a pattern of spending a few hours with her every afternoon. People often suggested I skip days but I had more serenity being with her everyday. I’m so glad I spent as much time with my Mom as I could. Prayers for all.

I think it all depends on the person. When my spouse first went into an assisted living place I did visit more, took him for lunch, walks, etc. but when his memory got to the point that he didn't even know who I was I did cut back my visits , I still went to check on the care he was receiving. After a short time he was placed in ALZ care in a great facility. He does not know me. My youngest son insists that his Dad knows him when he visits. The rest of the family do not get any indication of that. It is over an hour's drive to visit him so we try and take turns to visit once a week. There is no perfect answer for any of us.

My Mum was placed in MC at the Assisted Living facility where she was living because she became a flight risk and they 'lost' her when she went walkabout. They insisted she go immediately to the Memory Care ward that day. It was a terrible transition, actually no transition at all because she ended up in a respite room without any of her things until they could get her into an actual room a week later. There was the same advice to stay away and let her adjust but I am glad we didn't heed it. I live far away but got there in a few days. Mum was in a terrible state and the MC Ward was more of a jail than a place of care, no activities and nothing to do but wait for the next meal. As quickly as we could, we got her moved to a Nursing Home MC floor and helped her make that place her new home by being there every day. The AL facilities with MC floors may not be all like the one we had but my sense is that AL is not for people who need a place with higher level of care even temporarily. It has to have the means to provide a quality of life they can still appreciate. Moral of the story, don't be railroaded and spend plenty of time with Mum in her new place to make sure it is the best for her at this time.

When Mom was evaluated by the memory-community doctor, we were told that we needed to stay away for 3 weeks when she moved. I was shocked. Mom lived with us for 5 years and we took care of her for 10 total. She was extremely attached to us.

A week later, I moved her into the community and decided to visit her everyday at first.
I will never regret this decision, as I felt it was cruel to just drop her off and leave her alone for so long. My heart could not do that, no matter what the professionals told me to do.

I myself monitored the frequency of my visits. The nurses saw that I cared, so they also cared for Mom. After 2 weeks, I began skipping a day of visiting, to give her a better chance to adjust to the new schedule.

After 3 months, I began skipping 2 days, so that now I visit her on Wednesdays and Sundays for visits up to 3 hours. I started going with her to the afternoon group activities so that she could know she could go and begin forming those patterns on her own. Well, she hasn't, as she doesn't remember what she is supposed to go to, but her neighbors come by to remind her.

If my work allows it and if I am in the neighborhood on Fridays, I stop by for an hour as there are no afternoon activities those days and the afternoons are always difficult for her (she gets sun downers early if not involved in activities).

Mom has now been in the community for 9 months. Yes, she still prefers to be with us, as she misses us, but that cannot be as my priority had to be her best care, my health and my husband's health and life.

Now, I can better handle her repetitive question of why can't she come home, as she is cared for and loved at the community. AND, I have been able to take 5 day breaks every 2 months or so in order to take much needed rests and refocus my energies on work and other projects...a step at a time!

Bottom line:
This slow approach is harder and takes more time from me than just leaving her there with no contact to us for 3 weeks. BUT, it was they way my heart could do it.

I am very much at peace within myself to have taken this approach.

Take this from a real life situation that got me the moment of a lifetime. ..
All my adult life i was there for my mom when she needed ne and vice versa. Yes it got harder on me physically and emotionally but went anyway. In August she was admitted to rehab and in October admitted long term on dementia unit. I visited her every morning minus few days here and there for health or weather issues. Last week dr said she having stomach issue which she had often but usually corrected within few days but this time she didn't need to go to hospital because facility could do same treatment and see how she did later in day. My natural gut said go see her..this was in morning to make sure she was not in pain....i got there within 10 minutes and nurse was calling my cell as i walked in parking lot saying she didn't look good...i got there just minutes before she passed but got to hold her and tell her i love her and then she ket go...my point is that i went with my gut of what i felt was right thing by going when i thought she needed me and because of that i have our last moments together which gave us both peace. ..if i did what others said i never would have that..this happened last week so cery fresh thing for me but everyone on here please go with your gut and heart because nobody there can do that

Your post could have been written by me a few months ago when my husband was in memory care. I too struggled with their suggestion to stay away, and for 2 weeks, I came only every day. It was hard on me because I could not monitor how the facility was treating him. I learned later that he was over medicated and was not given a key to his room. I had a serious talk with the director about the medication issue because it was clearly against the law and I started to visit everyday after work. I lost trust in them. Keep in mind that the facility is there to make money, not to treat your mom like their own moms.

To answer your question, just go. This is her final leg of life journey, so make it as good for her and you as possible. Once she is gone, you won’t regret the decision! Be her advocate and Go! Go! Go!

Everyone here seems to say go but...

Many places ask for the family to wait a month so that the elder can settle in.

Just sayin'.

Don't wait...go!! The home where we placed Mom said to wait two weeks, which we did but looking back, I feel terrible about it now. She was afraid and lonely and I so wished we had gone often during the transition. Do visit!!!

I visited my Mom every day when she was admitted. The activity director took me aside and suggested that I stay away for a while. I smiled and thanked her. AND I continued to visit every day. My Mom was calm throughout her 18 month journey in memory care. I agree with others, each case is different. Be observant when you visit and it will guide you.

My mom was visited by family on a daily basis when first going to memory care. Hubby in the same facility took her to lunch and dinner in the AL dining room. After a week of this the memory care stopped all visits, even from hubby for a week because of mom's level of agitation after visitors left. She was then taken to hospital for a geriatric psych assessment. They got her stabilized and sent her back to memory care. Did visitor restriction help? A bit. But mom was nearly constant agitation they had to try something. After that failure everyone had to return to their lives. Hubby was asked to just do lunch with mom because of sundowning behaviors at dinner time. He did not comply until some major issues with mom. She did a bit better with once daily visits from hubby. It is trial and error to see what works best for each resident. Let memory care take the lead and do as they request. They have seen it all and are the experts.

I waited a week to visit my Mom. She had a lot of changes in a short amount of time, and this was just one of many of them. What had been rather consistent over the years, was NOT seeing her but probably a handful of times each year since we lived several states away from each other. We were close at one point in my life growing up, but as an adult, we were not close in the sense that we didn't talk on the phone daily, or even weekly, and we did not see each other in person that often. While my Mom feels comforted around me, she also gets very angry at me for not "fixing" whatever the problem de jour is. I needed the week away probably more then she did, but I called and talked to the staff to check on her, and we joined her for breakfast and it was a fine visit. That gave me the confidence to know that I could take her out and bring her back without a huge meltdown.

Not about elder care, but kind of related ...

My son needed surgery as a toddler. I did lots of research on what contributed to the long-term success of this kind of surgery. The factor that correlated best with success was how much the child was separated from parents -- the littler the better. That was even more important than the skill of the surgeon! So as I called clinics I asked what their post-surgery policy was. One said they kept the child 2 weeks and did not permit parental visits. OMG. I did NOT select that clinic! The one I selected had no restrictions on visiting and tried to get the child home within 5 days.

If your mother was used to seeing you often in the psych facility, I don’t see why it would hurt to keep up this routine, especially as she still has cognizance. I have read on here how some people stayed away so the parent could adapt, and I see the value in that, but one of the biggest things I’ve learned on this forum is that every case is different. Talk to the facility. Get their opinion, and then do what you think is right for your mother and for you. If you see that your visits are causing agitation, then extend the time between visits at first.
While reading your post, it brought to mind the advice mothers used to get about letting their babies cry it out and not picking them up so often in order to teach them to not be so dependent or to learn to self soothe. As with that advice, every baby is different. I knew when to let them cry and I knew when to pick them up. I say use your intuition and the relationship you have with your mother to guide you.

I visited right away too and don't regret it at all. Dad was very high-functioning in cognition, and he would have felt scared and abandoned if I hadn't come.

I think waiting to visit is cruel (in most cases). When my mom had trouble adjusting, I came and spent nights with her (with the NH's blessing) until she started feeling safe.

"Experts" can have many different opinions. I guess we've each got to decide for ourselves.