Do I tell my boyfriend that his dad is dying now or wait to tell him after his final exams?

kallboe, please give us an update, as we haven't heard from you in awhile.

Kallboe,
Just because his dad is being placed in hospice does not mean he is dying within a few days. It is my opinion, that you should respect his mother's wishes, after all, she wants what is best for her son. It should be her place to tell her son. Telling him before his finals will only distract him, and could be detrimental to his studies.

since this post was started im
assuming finals
are over ?

I remember being very upset when a relative went against my and my cousin's wishes to tell my mom her sister had died

We had been to the hospital the night before and knew it was coming but it was my mom's birthday and I had bought tickets to a matinee at the pantages theatre months before and we had to decided not to tell her until after the play

Phone rang as we were about to walk out the door and of course mom ran to answer it - instead of having a little enjoyment on her 80th bday she spent the afternoon in tears

I have no answer - just admiration for the wise, well-phrased, non-judgmental responses posted here.

Do NOT tell your boyfriend, because it is NOT your place, ever.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this and understand this is very stressful. You are very thoughtful and compassionate to care so much however, it does not sound as if your boyfriends father is literally going to die in the next few weeks.
I'm a nurse and know many people who go on Hospice live many more months.
I'd recommend you follow up with your boyfriends mom weekly to show your concern and get updates. And as long as it sounds like his dad is not going to die that week, AND his mother is still not telling your boyfriend, then you need to keep the secret.
You can make sure the mother knows when your boyfriends finished all his final test so SHE can then tell him about his dad.
Sorry you're having to go through this but making your ? future mother-in-law hate you is not in your best interest either.

In defense of this poor girl, she replied to all the initial comments the first day clarifying her situation and indicating that she had listened to the advice to hold off, and that she hadn't realized hospice could go on for several months (and did not necessarily mean imminent death.) I didn't even know about hospice till I was in my 20s; these poor kids are just in college. This was potentially a lose-lose situation for the girl and it was thoughtful of her to look for clarification before she went forward.

Lol, cwillie. Plus, I doubt she's still here. So many OPs seem to abandon their posts when they don't like what their reading.

Is this going to be one of those threads that goes on forever? The original post mentioned one exam the next day and another in three days - today?
The son/bf know his dad is in the hospital but not about the decision to stop curative treatments. If he hasn't tweaked to the negative vibes in the house already then presumably he will be told very soon.

We didn't have a lot of the information when we first answered. I assumed that the gf and mother lived in two different places and the son had gone off to college. Kallboe called him bf, which could be anything. We later learned they lived together. Really, if everyone is living together, I don't know how there could be secrets for long. Since the mother and father are right there, it's not like there are secrets.

I am sorry for the impending loss, but I think the 21 y.o. Original poster is a bit of an immature drama queen which is why she keeps going on and on.

You asked for advice and that was what was given. You said up front you wanted to tell him. You didn't want advice, you wanted validation so you felt okay about going against his mother's wishes. Sorry, it is still not a good idea.

That was my other thought on the matter. MIL trusted you to help carry a huge burden, and specifically asked you to keep the confidence. This is a relationship you need to nurture by honoring her trust. It's just a matter of a day or two for a very good reason. You do NOT want to end up as the bad guy in both your BFs potentially damaging stress at exam time AND violating the trust and confidence of your mother in law. If your BF is upset that you didn't tell him the truth is the only reason you didn't us because your mother asked you not to. The decision not to tell rests on her, you were being a good friend by keeping her confidence. "Hospice" is a scary word but the truth is life is tenacious and odds are very great your BF will have time to square accounts and day goodbye after exams. 

As I said in my original post, I think the mother must have been feeling something akin to overwhelmed. I also said I didn't understand why the mom told Kallboe. My meaning was - why would she tell one and then expect that person to keep the secret from the other. It's a hard position to put someone in - not knowing the mom personally myself it's hard to say - but I would hope that's not something the mom would typically do if it weren't for the fact she was probably stressed and feeling - overwhelmed.

But I think it speaks volumes as to how the mom feels about her DIL - that she trusts her and values her as a person of compassion and caring. This is why most of my answer addressed not breaking that bond of trust. Everyone has probably had a friend - or themselves - who has a MIL who gets in between their son and his wife to work both ends against the middle - but that definitely doesn't seem to apply here. Just a mom dealing with a very ill husband - the father of her child - and facing the possibility that his time left is short. Yes - mom deserves compassion and her wishes and confidences need to be respected.

If the son gets upset at kallboe for not telling I would hope -"honey, your mom is hurting, she told me what she did because she needed to talk about it. Your mom didn't want you stressed during finals when there isn't really anything you could have done. Mom is scared and hurting - how could I have NOT respected her wishes on this. She trusts me" I would hope this would be all kallboe would need to say.

As for kallboe- perhaps having never lost a parent - or spouse- as most of us have - maybe she doesn't fully grasp how devastating it can be. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt - and that she can see it's not about how she feels, what she think, its about trust, respect and compassion.

I really don't think his mother did something terrible in telling her DIL and not telling her son immediately. What would be the reason not to tell kallboe? She lives in the same house. She is considered part of the family. There is a logical and compassionate reason to postpone telling the son. But kallboe is not taking exams. It would seem to me natural to want to tell those who love Dad the outcome of the hospital visit when you return from the hospital.

I would also not fault Mother if she had chosen to wait and tell both son and DIL together.

Those of you who were told there were no more treatments for your husband to try and you had to decide to use hospice care -- how calm and rational and able to think ahead were you the hours after that decision? This is a big care milestone. It is big when it is your parent going on hospice and huge when it is your spouse.

I think kallboe's MIL deserves our compassion, whether she made the same decision we would make/made or not.

Just reading the question, without looking at the answers (opinions) my very first thought was, and still is, do NOT say anything to the boyfriend until his finals are over.

I just want to say that I personally was involved in a situation like this ,, my own husband was dying and had decided to go on hospice at the beginning of December 2015. My sons were headed for finals in the next few weeks. All I told them was that their dad had decided to stop treatment but that I would care for him and I wanted to make sure they focused on their finals. So I did all the caregiving along with hospice so they could focus. They had several weeks with him after finals to say their goodbyes and give him love .. if you know that he still has some time,, its best to let your boyfriend focus at least for the next several days on what he needs to accomplish as hard as it may be. ,, my 2cents ,, after all it was my husband that said quite clearly "life goes on" .

From recent experience, don’t tell him. Wait until exams are over and then arrange a meeting with the two of you and Mom. Let her tell him and as his partner be there for both of them. Time for you to be strong.
My BIL was given a cancer diagnosis just before thanksgiving, he and his wife let the family know that Hospice was being called and he had a few weeks or months left. Youngest sister, her husband and 7 yo son were due to leave on their dream vacation to Disney days later. Sister wanted to cancel and lose all they had saved several years for. BIL would not hear of it and insisted they go as planned. Unfortunately SIL was so upset she cried daily, upsetting her special needs son and no one enjoyed the vacation. There was nothing SIL could have done to stop the quick progression of his illness. He did not suffer long and had both his wife and son with him at the end which was all he wanted. Had he waited to tell his youngest sister she and her family would have been able to enjoy their experience and then dealt with this passing when they returned home. There was certainly enough other family and friends there to help him through his final weeks.

Not your place to tell him and certainly not now. Unless his father is going to die in the next day or two, let him finish his exams then let his mother tell him and you just be there to support and love him. There is nothing he can do to fix it so why risk being the reason he fails his exam because you felt the need to tell him just to one up his mom...which is exactly what you are doing. If you truly love him, relax, help him study and keep your mouth shut.

In retrospect, I'm glad my mother shielded me from bad news until I was in a time and place where I could deal with it effectively.

I don't agree with any of the advice that has been given to you. I must be odd.

First of all, mom should NEVER have put you in this position! You are caught between a rock and a hard place.

My sons would be extremely upset with me for doing this to their gal and for not telling them, immediately, what was going on. I speak from experience. My father was ill, several years ago, and I opted, on more than one occasion to "not burden" them with pertinent info. Maybe my family is different? But they wanted to be in the loop! I have learned and do not withhold anything, anymore.

Should YOU tell him? Perhaps. You know him. He has already asked you if you know more. But should you confront his mother and urge her to tell him? YES!!! I guess it's a crapshoot, either way, but I'd rather err on the side of truth. His mom did you no favors. She could have kept it to herself. Best of luck! I completely understand how you are feeling.

I would honor his mother's intentions and allow him to complete his semester unburdened. It's only a matter of a few days, and the loving thing would be to allow him to bring his hard work to completion before he faces his father's illness. It sounds as if his father has been in poor health a long time.
A friend of mine recently had this experience with her father who lived some distance away. He suffered with congestive heart failure and end of life care/hospice went on for several weeks before he passed. She made the difficult decision to make a visit then return home to take care of her own life needs.
I think the kindest thing you can do is respect your boyfriend's need to concentrate on completing his studies and honor his mother's request.

The mother, like you, also wanted her son to focus on his studies so she chose to talk to you about this family situation. I think it's wonderful that she feels so close to you with regards to this difficult situation. You are a comfort to her.

His exams will be done soon. If there's a severe crisis during hospice, then I know the mother will contact her son regardless of his exam status. College professsors will work with students on completing their final exams when there is a medical crisis.

Don't worry too much.

Ask yourself what dad would want for his son. You know mom wants to wait. If it were me on hospice and my kids readying for final exams, I would not want them told until after the exam.

In college, just like having a job, they make allowances for a family crisis.
He can ask his instructor if he can sit for the final at another time, and go to his father's bedside now.

Or, at great personal risk to you, you can help his mother out by being strong and silent for 3 days.

I agree with other's advice to make yourself scarce so he can study.

You will do fine, whatever you choose.

Good advice, Stacey!  You have a great family that knows how to stick together!

Kalboe, yes, your partners Dad has some very serious health issues, but Hospitalist and his Dr's can do Amazing things with medications, to keep him comfortable, and to pull the "fluids" off his legs heart and abdomen, to make him much more comfortable, and his breathing much improved. Once the have him stabilized, the option for Hospice, and bringing him home will make more sense, and then, once those stressful exams are over with and your boyfriend will then be able to fully engage in his Dad's care as his role of helpful caregiver, giving his Mom some much needed back up, and probably you too.

You are in a tough spot, there's no doubt about it, but I truly believe that you are doing the right thing in not telling him the heavy details right now, but of course that all could change, should his Dad take a turn for the worse. Let you conscious be your guide on this, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders! You will know what to do when the time comes!

I do wish the best for your boyfriends Dad, it does sound like you are very close, and that's a good thing! It takes a village of loving caregivers when a patient goes home on Hospice. You take care!

You have, in my opinion, been 'set-up' by his mother to carry a burden of secrecy that you have said, goes against the grain with you.

Looking at this carefully, you have been placed in a position to be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. I can hear it all now:
"It's my Dad, how could you not tell me?"
"I told you NOT to tell him!"
etc. etc. etc. Is this only the first time his mother has tried to undermine your relationship with her son?

My advice is to go to the store, leave a note that says: "Call your mother".
Don't say why.

I believe it is her role to tell him about his father. Think about it....why would she tell you and not him, ask you to keep a serious secret from the man you love? Stop talking to her until this is settled.

Notice just who is suffering here....it's you, right?

You have already said he knows how ill his father is.

"Honey, have you called your mother?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Just to see if she has plans for Mother's day this Sunday?"

Is his mother narcissistic, a control freak?

Kallboe you are correct most people on this forum are much older and definitely more experienced, mature may be another matter. We all react in times of stress that don't seem very mature thats human nature.
If your boyfriend has any kind of connection with his father he already knows deep down that the end is close BUT and this maybe part of honoring his father that he has to concentrate on this exams.
Now can you be the strong partner your BF needs and keep your feelings under cover for three more days. I would even suggest keeping out of the house maybe helping out a friend with a move just something to keep you busy. There is never a right or wrong answer to this type of question so don't make it more difficult for everyone else by expecting your own feelings to be met. Of course you are upset and hurting and crying is a good thing but so is being strong for the other people in your life. You want ot roll up in a ball and curl into your boyfriends arms but for this brief moment he has another battle to fight and that is to secure his and your future. His mom knows that even with her great loss so help her all you can.

@kallboe, let me try my answer again, now that I know more:

You have the right to give your partner this news, but I don't think under the circumstances it would be the right thing to do until after his last final. His mother has a more mature and considered approach. Dad is dying, yes, and he will still be dying 3 days from now. Announcing it now might be very detrimental to your partner, without being beneficial for any one.

You are speaking to a much older audience. I am 72, have 5 adult children and 12 grandkids (all of them older than you are). I have done caregiving for two loved ones with dementia. Both have died. My mother was on hospice for 3 months, my husband 5 weeks. I don't know how mature I am, but I am certainly experienced.

I imagine that some of the other older posters have the same reaction to "boyfriend" as I do. To my generation that conjures up a caring and possibly temporary relationship. I've seen my grandkids have one boyfriend (or girlfriend) one month, and a different boyfriend the next month. I imagine dates at the pizza parlor and romantic walks along the river. In other words, "boyfriend" is not a very serious relationship but it could lead to one. Our answers might make more sense when you understand where we are coming from about your "boyfriend."

Only later did you explain that you are living together, his family considers you part of the family, and you are partners. Ohhhh. That paints a different picture.

I think you have the same status as a wife, and you don't need parental permission to tell your partner anything you want to. BUT consider that his (older and wiser) mother thinks you should wait, and so do the people who've responded here.

BTW, My son is living with his partner. She is certainly more than a girlfriend. I asked him just last week how I should refer to her. He shrugged. "Special friend, significant other, partner, ??" I have a grandson who has bought a house with the woman he loves. I haven't heard them talking about marriage at all. She calls me Gramma. We've all taken her in as part of the family.

So I don't judge you at all for choosing not to marry. In my first answer I thought you were just a girlfriend. That's different.

If he keeps asking you can tell BF that his dad may need a few days in hospital and that they are working at a care plan to help him be more comfortable, which is nothing but the truth and isn't breaking any confidences. I imagine that deep down all of them have known for some time what these serious health conditions were leading to, part of the coping mechanism is to take life one day at a time and not dwell on worst case scenarios. Take some time to read here and on the web about hospice and end of life, (and please avoid the hospice-is-murder sites that will inevitably show up, you don't need to see that now), the more you know the less frightening and overwhelming the coming weeks will be, and the more able you will be to stand strong beside BF and his family.