Of course! What gives you the right to think you have a choice in the matter? This is their CHILD who's died, not a friend or an in law!
When my mother had advanced dementia, in the last year of her life, I avoided telling her bad news. If her brother in law or sister in law died, or her nephew who suffered from brain cancer for 8 years, for example, I did not tell her. But, if her child died, I'd certainly tell her and bring her to the funeral as well. To not do so would be unforgivable in my opinion. If the news gave her a heart attack and she died a bit sooner than she would have, so be it. Then she would have been reunited with the rest of her family that much sooner.
You don't KNOW how the family member will react and you might well be surprised by the accpetance that they feel as they themselves are approaching death.
My paternal grandmother was dying, slowly, and her only daughter passed away from cancer. It was not a surprise, but still, very sad for gma.
OF COURSE they told grandma! She had every right to know about her daughter's death, and to mourn the life of this beloved daughter. It did not shorten gma's life, and if it had, so what? She was beyond ready to go!
People are a LOT stronger than we give them credit for.
This is a tough call - deciding who can handle WHAT type of info?
I once had several people collaborate to conceal some info from me due to I was pregnant at the time and they didn't want to stress me further.
Never did they once consider that NOT telling me was infinitely worse, since I am inclined to predict/speculate various scenarios and I generally worry a lot. Add that to a pregnancy brain situation (which can change one's thinking vastly) and I would have been MUCH better off knowing the truth.
This is rough. Please give the person some credit and ask yourself if there is any chance the person would be worse off by NOT being told. My experience has been that most people who ask this question are of the belief that telling the person would be worse than not telling.
Being blunt, I think it's presumptive to consider that you or other family member has information a parent has the right to know, but that you have made a decision on their behalf, w/o their knowledge or permission, to withhold critical information.
I would be livid if I were the parents and someone withheld information from me. It would likely terminate any relationship I had with the person who withheld the information.
Need more information on the circumstances. I do not fully understand how you would expect a bedbound person to be able to attend funeral services without a good deal of transportation expense. I also do not know why you would NOT tell a family member of a death. Can you explain for me? A celebration of the loved ones life at their own home or facility might be appropriate with talking about the loved one, sharing photos, scrapbooking an album of memories?
I was extremely angry at a beloved family member who refused to tell me my cat had died because, in their mind, it would be too stressful for me to cope with it. I really never got over my resentment at them making that dreadful decision for me, not even years later. I can only imagine how much worse the feelings of betrayal would be if it was the death of an actual child being hidden from me, rather than a cat.
It really depends. If they have Dementia, I may not do it. If they are competent than they should be told. Going to the funeral depends on if they are capable to get out of bed.
Would you want to know if your child had died? I'm guessing you would. I think more harm would be done by not telling this person than if you did. And if they can't physically attend the funeral, the family can always have it available on Zoom or the like. A parent deserves to be able to grieve their child, regardless of their health issues. And if it speeds up the parents leaving this world too, well then you can take comfort in the fact that they will be together for eternity.
dear OP, please tell your bedridden family member their child died. i would absolutely want to be told, no matter what. i would hate someone to hide that information from me. (in my case, i actually prefer to know the truth about anything: i don't want to live in illusions. but in particular, if my child died, i would want to be told, no matter how sick/frail i am).
Are you hoping that everyone will reply "no! For heaven's sake don't tell!"?
If your child had died, would you want to know? Was the family member aware that this might happen? How long since the family member's stroke? Did the stroke affect the family member's mental capacity? If the family member can't realistically be taken to the funeral, would it be possible to set up a virtual service that can be joined in the home?
On the one hand: If the child's death is sudden, came out of the blue; the family member's stroke was recent and his/her mental condition and mood make him/her emotionally highly vulnerable; there is not any means of facilitating attendance at the funeral; it is unlikely that s/he would find out from any other source... then the answer is probably "not yet."
On the other: If the stroke has affected the family member only physically, and the family member is aware of the possibility and asks about the child, and it will be possible to provide bereavement support including involvement in mourning... then yes. Look up guidance to help you deliver bad news gently.
When my mother had advanced dementia, in the last year of her life, I avoided telling her bad news. If her brother in law or sister in law died, or her nephew who suffered from brain cancer for 8 years, for example, I did not tell her. But, if her child died, I'd certainly tell her and bring her to the funeral as well. To not do so would be unforgivable in my opinion. If the news gave her a heart attack and she died a bit sooner than she would have, so be it. Then she would have been reunited with the rest of her family that much sooner.
My paternal grandmother was dying, slowly, and her only daughter passed away from cancer. It was not a surprise, but still, very sad for gma.
OF COURSE they told grandma! She had every right to know about her daughter's death, and to mourn the life of this beloved daughter. It did not shorten gma's life, and if it had, so what? She was beyond ready to go!
People are a LOT stronger than we give them credit for.
I once had several people collaborate to conceal some info from me due to I was pregnant at the time and they didn't want to stress me further.
Never did they once consider that NOT telling me was infinitely worse, since I am inclined to predict/speculate various scenarios and I generally worry a lot. Add that to a pregnancy brain situation (which can change one's thinking vastly) and I would have been MUCH better off knowing the truth.
This is rough. Please give the person some credit and ask yourself if there is any chance the person would be worse off by NOT being told. My experience has been that most people who ask this question are of the belief that telling the person would be worse than not telling.
I would be livid if I were the parents and someone withheld information from me. It would likely terminate any relationship I had with the person who withheld the information.
I also do not know why you would NOT tell a family member of a death.
Can you explain for me?
A celebration of the loved ones life at their own home or facility might be appropriate with talking about the loved one, sharing photos, scrapbooking an album of memories?
And if they can't physically attend the funeral, the family can always have it available on Zoom or the like.
A parent deserves to be able to grieve their child, regardless of their health issues. And if it speeds up the parents leaving this world too, well then you can take comfort in the fact that they will be together for eternity.
dear OP, please tell your bedridden family member their child died. i would absolutely want to be told, no matter what. i would hate someone to hide that information from me. (in my case, i actually prefer to know the truth about anything: i don't want to live in illusions. but in particular, if my child died, i would want to be told, no matter how sick/frail i am).
If your child had died, would you want to know?
Was the family member aware that this might happen?
How long since the family member's stroke?
Did the stroke affect the family member's mental capacity?
If the family member can't realistically be taken to the funeral, would it be possible to set up a virtual service that can be joined in the home?
On the one hand:
If the child's death is sudden, came out of the blue; the family member's stroke was recent and his/her mental condition and mood make him/her emotionally highly vulnerable; there is not any means of facilitating attendance at the funeral; it is unlikely that s/he would find out from any other source... then the answer is probably "not yet."
On the other:
If the stroke has affected the family member only physically, and the family member is aware of the possibility and asks about the child, and it will be possible to provide bereavement support including involvement in mourning... then yes. Look up guidance to help you deliver bad news gently.