Do I tell mom in memory care that I’m selling her house?

No, of course you shouldn't tell your mother you're selling her house to finance her care in the MC. Nor should you be feeling 'guilty' about this whole thing, either. For what reason, exactly? Because you're providing your mother a safe haven to live, where teams of caregivers will be seeing to her every need 24/7? Where she will be fed 3 meals a day and 3 snacks, entertained and given activities in accordance with her capabilities? Is that why you're feeling guilty? Memory Care Assisted Living is not free. This level of care comes at a great cost, for those fortunate enough to be able to afford it. Your mother is fortunate enough to have the funds to be able to afford this level of 24/7 care by selling her home. The only other purpose those funds serve is to be left as an inheritance to her family members. Would there be less guilt on your part if the proceeds of the house sale were left to you as an inheritance? No, I don't think so! These funds are hers, and to be used accordingly; think of it that way.

My cousin helped her elderly mother sell her home many years ago, and pocketed the $175K herself. Gave some of the $$ to her daughter to put a down payment on a house for herself, etc. Took her elderly mother into her home for a 5 year period until the lookback period was over with, then applied for Medicaid to get her mother placed in Skilled Nursing on the taxpayers dime. Now THAT is something to feel guilt over, in reality, not that she does. You, on the other hand, have absolutely nothing to feel guilty over b/c you're not doing something 'wrong'. What you're doing is taking every opportunity to properly care for your elderly mother and that is a commendable thing.

With dementia, we have to learn to tell 'therapeutic fibs' when necessary. It's for their benefit to keep them calm and not work them up into a state of agitation where medication is required. I say this from first hand experience with my own 94+ year old mother who has advanced dementia & lives in Memory Care AL herself. She sundown's something fierce and I have to tell her all sorts of stories to keep her from going off the deep end in the evenings. Some days she's 'riding the bus to go visit papa in NYC' 3500 miles away. Naturally, 'papa' has been dead since 1942. Other days she 'has no idea how she'll get to your house to watch the children.' Sigh. Naturally, the truth is not always the best remedy to these matters. Other times it is. When she insists on getting her dead sister's phone numbers to call them, I have to tell her they're deceased. Otherwise, she'll spend hours on the phone trying to get a hold of them and that will create a gigantic mess and a huge level of frustration for HER. See my point?

Do what you have to do to keep the peace and the CALM with your mother. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being and I'm sure you do too. Rest assured you're doing the right thing by your mom and God bless you for all of your efforts. Good luck.

If there’s no outright “advantage” to telling her, why would you consider doing so?

I had to sell a home that had been in the family for about 150 years. It very nearly killed ME to do it, and I’ve no doubt if I’d told my LO, who’d been born in the back bedroom upstairs, she might have died of mourning for that loss.

LO has been cared for beautifully during her stay in MC, and is doing well now, having recovered from Covid TWICE. She rarely mentions “going home” now, although her original adjustment was fairly tough, and she’d made a few attempts to leave.

Covid certainly made things far worse, but in about a week I’ll be back to my schedule of dropping in every few days and I’m hoping we’ll restore the comfy schedule before this horrible year happened.

When we talk, I stay with HER conversation, knowing that in her dementia she has flashes of memory but very little focused in-the-moment thought. I sometimes throw in something about the virus or Church or local history, and she enjoys that.

You are responsible for the sale. Do what you need to do and let her think, if necessary, that you’re taking care of everything at the house and everything is fine. Stay with generalities about the house.

You are a loving and loyal child to realize that the “truth” would be too painful for her to bear. You have no reason to be guilty. Nor, as I learned as time past, did I.

IMO go with whatever provides both of you with the smoothest waters. If she’s going to get very upset, don’t tell her, or resort to what I call ‘selective truth’. You might have to wing it with what you tell her...

For example I had to take my mom’s car and will soon sell it...she was a fantastic driver so the situation is a huge bummer. The thing is, every day is different. Some days I tell her the car is being taken care of by former neighbors ( actually it’s a cousin but I don’t want mom calling them incessantly! ) and act kinnnnnnd of like she’s going to see the car at some point. Other days she realizes she can’t drive so I tell her the car is safe and taken care of at a good neighbor’s home, and they are using it themselves. It really depends on the mood du jour.

Maybe for your mom, some days you could say, oh, sorry she can’t go there as there are some repairs being done....or roadwork out front...or try to change the subject completely...you get the idea. Unfortunately with dementia these topics get revisted over and over and over so we get a lot of practice.

The guilt is definitely relatable. Best of luck to you!

So I know little to nothing about medicaid but if there is a chance that the rest of her income is small, it's possible that selling her house to pay for care is not the best move financially... but that assumes that the memory care place would take medicaid. You might talk to them at the memory care about your options should you not want to sell.

You need to sell her house now?

You know your mom best. If you don’t feel that she can handle it, then don’t tell her.

You may feel like she deserves the truth, but what she truly deserves is the best care. You are providing that. It’s completely understandable that you feel badly that you are no longer able to tell her the truth about issues. You miss being able to be honest with her.

It’s sort of like when parents shields a child to prevent confusion. Children don’t understand complex issues. Issues are explained in child appropriate ways or delayed until the child is older.

It can do more harm than good to give children information that they can’t process. This can hold true for the elderly also, so trust your gut on this. You will feel horribly for not revealing the truth. Later on though, you will feel better about not telling her something that she couldn’t handle properly. It’s sad for any of us to lose independence but stay focused on the bigger picture. which is to keep her safe and cared for.

Believe me, I was the child who could be made to feel guilty. But when I became the one who had to make decisions for a Mother who had Dementia, I did not feel guilty for things I needed to do.

Your Mom now needs care and that house needs to be sold to help with that care. Its no ones fault she contracted a desease that effects her mind. If you don't sell her house, it will just sit there and rot. Her income should go to her care not the upkeep of a home she can no longer live in. If my Mom had not had a house, I would have had 18,000 more a year towards her AL. Thats almost 4 months more of care. If she had sold it when Dad died, she would have had a nice sum to put away for her care.

I so wish I had talked Mom into selling when Dad died. She put so much money out on upkeep.

There is no reason to tell her. Particularly when
1. she will not be going home
2. the information will upset her
Take pictures. Inside and out.
When she talks about "going home" reassure her that she is home, she is safe. Tell her that the doctors said she can not go home right now but you have pictures.

Oh heavens, no.

What value is there in telling her?

None.