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Mom has been in NH for 6 months. Got a call that hospice needs to come in. Just need some support for myself and also need to keep from bashing my brother who has refused to visit his mother in over 30 years. She is lifelong mentally ill, he is seriously damaged from alcoholic father / family. Yet I am beyond furious that he abandoned her and will not visit her or attend her funeral. She did nothing wrong. Father was abusive alcoholic. As stated, I am dealing with all this on my own and just need support to get through whatever comes next.

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My mom had 2 cardiac arrests while doing dialisis..they sent her to hospice where they kept her sadated and drugged up..i took her home where she died 4 days later.my mom wanted to die at home.i do not recomend hospice unless you are willing to watch your loved one just slip away and die.they took her off all her meds and her condition got worse.so i took her home and gave her the meds she was taken..she died of total organ failure due to her kidneys shutting down...
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So much support here that I am so very grateful for. Thank you all so much. Isn't it funny that this scenario plays out countless times all over the world yet when it happens to us we feel so very alone. Thank you all so much for giving me strength.
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My mom went on hospice in late February. Sometimes when I visit I wonder if she'll make it through the night, other times I think she'll out live me. I have an advantage as I am in contact with my two brothers. I asked them each about how they wanted to be notified when the end is truly in sight. Both said they have said their "good-byes" and I can wait until she actually passes. If you can get ahold of your brother, do so - and ask him the same question.
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You can't force your brother to feel anything but what he feels. Look at it this way...your father was an abusive alcoholic and he suffered at his fathers hands. He may see that his mother did nothing to protect him and may blame her too. You can't change that. Just inform him of the milestones (hospice starting, and eventually her death). Don't expect anything from him...he has his own reasons for how he feels.

Angel
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M209, I remembered one thing my sig other said any time we visited my Mom in long-term-care. He said the odor on that wing was making him sick. I think there are some people who just dislike visiting a nursing home setting for a variety of reasons. They just don't like seeing others in those various medical conditions, the odors, the noise, etc.

I told my sig other that I will take note of his findings, so that when the time comes for him to be in a nursing facility, no one will come to visit. I know I shouldn't been so harsh with him, but I was sooooo tired of the whining :P I admit there was an odor on that wing, but it was to be expected.

My ex was the same way, he hated to go into a hospital because of the smell. Smell? I do volunteer work at a hospital one morning a week, I have yet to notice any type of smell. I don't know, maybe this hospital is the exception.
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You will get through this. I went through this recently where my brother is MIA and I called him every time mom was admitted to the hospital and then when she went on hospice. He is her son and my conscious couldn't live with him not knowing and being given the chance to say goodbye.

It's just tough like that sometimes, but we do what we must and you clearly are doing that for your mom and did with your dad. My dad now has some form of dementia, which has gotten worse with her death, and my brother has visited once, which was the day she died. Mind you, the AL is about 8 minutes away for us both, so it's easy to get to.

Do I feel my brother is a jerk, yes, but still I know I did the right thing telling him. I have no other siblings either, so it was and still is on me to handle everything. Thankfully I have an awesome husband that helps me a lot. Hang in there honey, one step and one breath at a time. Just know we're cheering you on.
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I am so sorry you have to go through this and without your brother's support. We are here to listen and support you. I hope you find the hospice experience to be helpful for you and your mom.
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We're all here for you, M209.
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M209, we got your covered. Come here anytime. Many of us have been through Hospice with a loved one.
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Thank you both. Susan I have been in therapy for half my life - thank you for recommending I will address there but also need support from those on this site.
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M209, oh gosh this is tough for you. If I remember correctly you live thousand of miles away from your Mom, correct? Tell us a bit about your Mom and what are her medical issues, as I can't recall. This will help us understand more, and be helpful for you to write it out.

As for your brother, let him know what is happening with Mom.... call him, don't rely on email as email can get lost or accidentally erased. You don't want him to tell you later that he didn't know. Are you sure he hasn't visited Mom or called [if your Mom can get calls] only that Mom hasn't been able to remember to tell you?

Some people can't handle seeing someone aging or being seriously ill... they want to remember that person the way they were from years ago when that person was young and healthy, and when their life was happier.
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M209 -

Do the right thing in this situation, which is to inform your brother that mother is going into hospice and may be passing away soon. Then when she does, inform him that she is gone. The rest is on him. You will have done your due diligence in informing him. The choice to visit or attend is his. Don't take it on yourself to worry about whether he does or not.

Those of us who come from severely dysfunctional families have to learn that we are not a "normal" family, and that everyone deals with the dysfunction differently. It appears that like many of us on this site, you have chosen to be the responsible one who cares for your mother until her passing. Your anger at him serves no purpose now - it won't matter to him, and it won't do anything but eat away at you. If you can, try to talk to a professional (therapist, counselor, even a priest or minister) to vent these feelings and let them help you work through them.

Trust me, many of us have been in your shoes...and many of us still are. Feel free to vent away here if you'd like, but do try to find someone locally that you can talk to - someone impartial that can offer an outside view of it and help you work through this anger and deal with the emotional damage caused by your family.
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