Do I or don't I? How can I move mom from her home?

My mom doesn't do anything for herself either. I agree with disgustedtoo. Look for Memory care. They are popping up everywhere, up her around Clev, Oh. Private pay, does not go to Medicaid though.

CaregiverL - there are just plain AL facilities, and then there are Memory Care AL facilities (the place we found for our mother was newly rebuilt and they made three different facilities in one: IL, AL and MC. She was NOT a candidate for AL, despite being able to still take personal care of herself and walk unassisted.)

From your statement it sounds like your mother needs a Memory Care Assisted Living place. Putting someone with more advanced dementia into AL is no better than leaving them in their own home really (except they can get help with their physical needs.)

Our mother's MC unit has higher functioning dementia patients along with those who need walkers, a few wheelchairs, and a lot who also need physical assistance.
Check around more and see if you can locate a facility that has MC.

You also mentioned agitation - has the doctor tried prescribing anything for this? I prefer not using medication whenever it can be avoided, but even a little something like lorazipam (sp?) just to take the edge off might help. From what I have read, it might require trying different meds/dosages to get the right effect (calm down, but not zoned.) I think they actually Rxed this for our mother when she first arrived, but I manage/order all her meds, and they have never requested a refill, so again, a little just to get over the hump may help!

I wish my mother was a candidate for AL, but they don't admit dementia patients who are agitated and cant walk or do anything for themselves.

To Kindnessand love. It sounds like you have the same arrangement. What made you go with it?

This website is so. Wonderful. Thank all of you. I know it's time to rap up house now. Just have to decide between residential, or NH, for future medicaid. Mom has dementia 88, but no other issues.

Close is important so you can keep track of her. Good luck. We are on the same fence but haven't found the right place.

This facility is an actual house. Crock pots going in kitchen, recliners in den. Bedroom, deck off of the den. Caregiver ratio 1 to 5. 13 mins from my house. Same cost as memory care AL. My mom receives Aid and Attendance as well. I would rather have this setting for her. More personal. I'm afraid she'd get lost in a real AL, behind the doors to her room.

I haven't heard anything yet. Maybe at the end of this month.

Ihave1now: I implore you to to take care of YOU, which goes along with losing the guilt. You cannot hang onto guilt and have well health. You already know that your health is affected.

To clarify, home care homes are Assisted Living facilities, they are more of a home then a large facility but offer all of the same aid, also, I found one added benefit, my dad can stay, if he chooses, in his room until he passes. This was not an option in larger facilities, he would have to move to different care wings/floors as his needs increased. They also allow him to keep his dog, no additional fee and the patient caregiver is 1 to 4. So until you completely understand, do not try to make any of us feel guilty with our situations, you do not know all of the dynamics involved.

I forgot to add another thing......if your dad was a veteran and saw combat you might look into veteran benefits for your mom. I know it helped us so much with mom's care as she got worse and needed more care.

Excellent answer FreqFlyer! I was going to say the very same things. After my mom went to dem/alz facility after dad's heart attack (and he got better) He could have lived on his own but I didn't want him to for the social aspect of it plus meals, cleaning and house upkeep. He has also never looked back especially since he got money for his house. Now, my mom......it took her (with the demetia) a couple of mos to adjust but eventually that became her "home". She was there for 7 years before her passing but had good care and of course I saw her several times a week to check on her. I also had guilt at first but it HAD to be done. She would have NEVER allowed a home aid to be there in the house all day.....nope.....wasn't going to happen. She was ugly to the housekeeper that I had hired to clean the house that she said she cleaned every day......NOT! Anyway, #1.....you want your mom to be SAFE and well cared for (I'm sure she is with her aid but still). #2.....she does need stimulation and social time even though some others might not be on her level. I have no regrets (as hard of a day as it was taking her because I had to trick her....long story) except one, that is I didn't know about daycare. A lot of facilities will let you bring your mom for the day. In my mom's case I would have had to tell her they NEEDED her to help out in the office. She would have loved that. That way my dad and I would have had some rest knowing that she was being taken care of and watched. You might look into that. It could be an easy first step for her (and you) so that when the time does come she will be acclimated to the place. And finally.....I always tell my friends that are going through this that there is no guilt. Guilt implies that you have done something wrong on purpose. You haven't. You are doing the best you can and trying to make the right, safe and loving decisions for your mom. Take it from someone that has been doing this a very long time, not only do you have to do what is best for your parent but what is best for you and your family. I am wearing down after 12 years (with in laws... passed, sister who passed a few years ago, mom passed last year and now 95 year old father). Good luck and may God Bless you in your decisions.

I am getting the gist of the answers. My question is: why a care home rather than AL. My mother is in AL & happy as a clam, as one other said. She is also becoming more demented and guess what- time has no real meaning to her. She can't remember her last home where I busted my butt having daycare and my "night" care for her. She can't remember her old furniture which was falling apart. I got her some nice new stuff and her room looks like a "college dorm" also. She can no longer read so forget the house full of books. My six sibs barely helped with her care. Now they can pop in once a year, stay in town for a week, visit every day and then go home & feel good about themselves. I wish they had done that when I felt stuck in the house by myself. (Forget guilt- work on getting over resentments!) The AL place will have a beauty parlor. Our place has a podiatrist who goes from room to room trimming icky toenails. I think you'd find a group care place will only replace half your own care for her. And an AL place won't give you time frames. Their business is filling rooms and then keeping clients happy once they get there. I'm rambling. Good luck.

Betsey

There is a learned article - Pain Management in the Cirrhotic Patient: The Clinical Challenge - at ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2861975/. Unfortunately it's rather depressing, but does raise some possibilities that might be worth exploring?

I'm sure no clinician would endorse continuing alcohol intake; but then again I personally as a non-clinician wouldn't endorse taking all alcohol away from someone of 82 who feels happier for it.

Whatever works for her, I guess. Hope you can get someone to give it another think.

Imb, you might also want to check on the NSaIDs. Acetaminophen is hard on the liver. My understanding is that Ibuprofen is not. Please check that out with mom's doctor.

To be fair, while of course I agree that not everyone is able or, frankly, willing - and why the heck should they be? - to provide 24/7 care in-home, that doesn't mean IMBabci2 isn't right to punt it up there as an option. It IS an option, one that deserves thinking through.

And when you do think it through, for most standard families in our age it isn't going to work for all sorts of practical, financial and sometimes deep-rooted emotional reasons. Still! - that's not the same thing as ruling it out unconsidered.

EmandEm what a brilliant, brilliant response to the "I don't want to be in Assisted Living" argument. Yes indeed, very often the person already is! Love it.

IMBabci2 not everyone is cut to be a caregiver. And comparing someone helping you out after a divorce is nothing compared to 24/7 care giving that could go on for many years. An extra bedroom is not the only requirement needed in this case. Not all of us can give up our jobs to care for someone else. Then who will support the caregiver? It is a hard enough decision to make, throwing more guilt on the OP is not necessary.

IMBarb; I'm so glad that you have a home that is handicap accessible and large enough for another adult. And that your mom can get all her socialization and medical needs met in your home.

Some of us are not so fortunate and have found that our parents thrived in care centers that are well run.

Caregiving for elders is NOT a one size fits all endeavor!

My mom most decidedly did not want to leave her home in an isolated suburb, no sidewalks and no public transport. She lived at the top of a hill. During an icy trip to her home on slippery, hilly and twisty roads, I spun out and my vehicle was nearly hit by an oncoming truck. When I got to mom's house (fortunately, she was not home), the automatic lock was broken and a tree had fallen on her house.

I took this as a sign from somewhere that the fact that we had moved her into an Independent Living facility the month before had been a good idea.

Mom made friends, joined the Stock Market Club and went to everyone's religious services. There was a geriatrician onsite several times a week; he gave her his cell phone number so she could discuss her BP (which went up and down with a mind of its own) whenever she needed. There was a geriatric psychiatrist who called in; SHE got my mother's anxiety under control and insisted that mom have cognitive testing done, which showed that she had developed MCI, the result of an old stroke that we knew nothing about. This finally put an end to my POA brother claiming that everything wrong with mom was "what she's doing to herself"--having a pity party. Nope. Not.

I'm glad that having your mom living with you continues to work. If it stops working, be assured that good care facilities exist. Do some research now.

I'm quite surprised by all the comments in support of putting your Mom in a care facility. Maybe I missed something in my reading? When my Mom could no longer care for herself properly; home maintenance ignored, too many bank loans, drinking too much, health issues being ignored, etc. I discussed with her coming to live with me. In my case it was a very difficult decision as my Mom was a 72 year old alcoholic, with no intention of quitting. And the reality is this has been a very difficult 12 years. Yet still, this is my mother, who did not forsake me when I needed help with college, with my sons, with my divorce, with a health issue, etc. In time, I grew to have a comfortable life...and it was with her help. Now, I help her through her hard times. She was a long term cigarette smoker, quit now, but smoked for 60+ years. She suffers from COPD. She is also a long term drinker of all sorts of alcoholic beverages, now limited to 6 drinks throughout the day of wine and beer. No, she does not get drunk anymore. The wine and beer serve to alleviate minor aches and pains from arthritis as she cannot use NSAIDS pain relievers due to Cirrhosis of the liver. At 84 she is entering mild dementia. She gets confused and yes, she complains to me and about me, regularly. This is life. This is family. If you have an extra bedroom, why not take your mother in to live with you? it will not be easy...but it will be the most loving thing you will ever do.

Money comes and goes. Take yourself and monetary concerns out of the equation and think what’s good for your mom and Do it. That way, you sleep better!

We moved my MIL to AL 1 week ago. She is 74 and has Alzheimer’s. She was absolutely insistent that she stay in her home alone and refused all help from anyone by my husband and myself (he is an only child). It was to the point that she refused to bathe, wash her hair, change her clothes, or eat anything but junk unless we were with her. We tried to get her to go along with the change, but in the end we had to just take her there, move her furniture and clothing in, and tell her that she was staying. She was upset off and on for 4 days. And then...she suddenly became very happy and thrilled to have friends, good food, and helpful staff around her! We thought any kind of change would take weeks so we are pleasantly surprised!
I see it as making a decision for someone who cannot- as if you are making a choice for a child who cannot understand the situation or ramifications of staying alone.

Teri...I had to laugh at your comment "the Lord will provide....but actually it's me providing." In a similar vein, I've noticed that the only people who say, " it will work out," rely on others to do the work.

Took me four months to talk mom into moving and now she loves the place she is in. She loves the fellow residents, the staff, her room. I'm going to have to go through it all again when her long term care money runs out in a year and a half. You're better off not putting it off. My mom says, "oh, the Lord will provide!". I am a very strong believer, but it's actually ME that's providing in this instance.... Mom doesn't want to consider that her actions have consequences for me....

My mom was at home sleeping all day too. Wouldn't get up until 4, would eat the wrong stuff, would fall and wouldn't take a shower more than once a week. Most days she didn't get dressed. Once she had to go to rehab and then stay at nursing home until Medicaid assisted living opened up, she really changed. She was mad as heck, but now she gets up and dressed every single day. Literally the best I've seen her. She is now in assisted living and is much better. Do it.

I don't know where your Mum lives - however Park Lakes in Bargara it, still has a few government placements - just pay from pension ... It is a magnificent facility
Certainly worth visiting and having a chat - they were wonderful when my friend and I went there. Alison

Just do it! Your mother will never get 'better' - so move her while the opportunity presents itself. Why are you guilty? You are doing what is best for her - and YOU.

Wow BlackHole! Your post should make most people who are wavering about making this move think long and hard! Although not as drastic, but certainly had the potential to be deadly - Just days before we had scheduled to move a recalcitrant mother, she injured her leg and did not have enough sense to have it checked or tell one of us (her neighbor told me.) It was cellulitis and could have killed her if left untreated! This delayed her move a few days, and gave one brother excuse to write up a "letter" from the hospital social services that she needed to move where we chose or they would move her to a place of their choosing (she, like Salisbury's mom, lived alone, couldn't drive. In addition, she kicked out the caregivers we hired one hour/day AND was adamant to the end and beyond that she was FINE and INDEPENDENT and could cook!) That letter annoyed the hell out of her, but she reluctantly went and spent the next 9 months trying to get my younger brother to take her back to the condo. It's been a little more than a year now, and several months ago the requests to take her back have focused on a previous (23 years ago) residence and/or a ride to her mother's place (gone about 40 years!)
So, no guilt. As others have noted, sometimes being with peers and/or caregivers who can work magic can draw a person out and get them more involved with activities, which is good. This does not always happen. You say she sleeps all day, except for those activities you provide. This may not change, it may be the stage she is in, however looking at the same 4 walls with nothing really to do or anyone to really "hang" with, maybe she isn't motivated. At least give it a try, and it should be for a few months - just one month may not be enough for transition.
The other benefits are less stress on you, and more time to visit with mom instead of juggling all that other stuff. No guilt, this is not about guilt, it is what is best for everyone involved!

I can tell you I am glad I moved my mother to AL before dementia progressed. She wasn't happy but she adjusted and she knew the routines and staff before things started going down hill. The longer you wait, the harder the adjustment. Now my mother gets upset if I move a soap dish three inches. I helped my mother in her house for 16 years before moving her. She had some mental illness so it was initially difficult to sort out dementia from her usual behavior. Guilt is a normal feeling. It doesn't mean you are doing wrong, just that you want to do right.

Seeing your consternation makes me smile---oh, I know it isn't the sympathetic response you may want but my 91-year-old husband told me about two years ago that he didn't want to go into assisted living. I told him that he was already in assisted living. I, a ninety-year-old, was doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and driving. In a few months, we will move into an independent living facility which makes him unhappy but will take some of the load off me. He would have to go into assisted living or a nursing home if I were not able to take care of most of his needs. I feel empathy for him but no guilt about making this move. Your mother is already in assisted living---just in her own home because of your involvement. Time to think what benefits both of you, not just what plays to her whims. Do I sound too hard-hearted? Life is that way sometimes.

Do it, Ihave1now. Don’t hesitate. 

My mom unwisely clung to her home. 40+ years of deferred maintenance and....

Mom could barely navigate the steps.

Hadn’t used shower/bath for 6 years cuz she was too proud/paranoid/whatever to let someone into her home to adapt the bathroom for elder safety (she certainly had the $).

Used the stove as a filing cabinet and only ate microwave food.

Many, many falls.

Could no longer write legibly, yet had a gazillion bills to pay every month. (Don’t even mention online bill paying. Mom firmly believed that “that internet” was the work of Satan.)

And so much more. All of it heartbreaking and infuriating. Mom had decent assets AND long-term care insurance.

But Mom would not leverage any of these resources when the time was right. The only resource Mom was willing to leverage was ME.

Interspersed with belligerent out bursts of I’M FINE I’M FINE.

She wore me down. She wore me out.

And voila, Mom’s unsafe living environment was her undoing. Her last fall was her LAST fall.

The postal carrier noticed that mail was piling up. Postal carrier called the police to do a welfare check. I’m 35 miles away (where I live) running errands, and my cell phone starts blowing up. A string of unfamiliar & unidentifed numbers. Turned out to be the police, the EMS and the coroner.

Get your mother into care while you have this opening. P*ss her off, risk the hard feelings, whatever it takes.

At this stage of the game, it’s nothing but feel-bad moments for the adult child. Might as well feel bad AND have your Mom be safe.

Big hugs. These years suck.

Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We understand. We’re here for you.