Do I or don't I? How can I move mom from her home?

There is a learned article - Pain Management in the Cirrhotic Patient: The Clinical Challenge - at ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2861975/. Unfortunately it's rather depressing, but does raise some possibilities that might be worth exploring?

I'm sure no clinician would endorse continuing alcohol intake; but then again I personally as a non-clinician wouldn't endorse taking all alcohol away from someone of 82 who feels happier for it.

Whatever works for her, I guess. Hope you can get someone to give it another think.

I am getting the gist of the answers. My question is: why a care home rather than AL. My mother is in AL & happy as a clam, as one other said. She is also becoming more demented and guess what- time has no real meaning to her. She can't remember her last home where I busted my butt having daycare and my "night" care for her. She can't remember her old furniture which was falling apart. I got her some nice new stuff and her room looks like a "college dorm" also. She can no longer read so forget the house full of books. My six sibs barely helped with her care. Now they can pop in once a year, stay in town for a week, visit every day and then go home & feel good about themselves. I wish they had done that when I felt stuck in the house by myself. (Forget guilt- work on getting over resentments!) The AL place will have a beauty parlor. Our place has a podiatrist who goes from room to room trimming icky toenails. I think you'd find a group care place will only replace half your own care for her. And an AL place won't give you time frames. Their business is filling rooms and then keeping clients happy once they get there. I'm rambling. Good luck.

Betsey

Excellent answer FreqFlyer! I was going to say the very same things. After my mom went to dem/alz facility after dad's heart attack (and he got better) He could have lived on his own but I didn't want him to for the social aspect of it plus meals, cleaning and house upkeep. He has also never looked back especially since he got money for his house. Now, my mom......it took her (with the demetia) a couple of mos to adjust but eventually that became her "home". She was there for 7 years before her passing but had good care and of course I saw her several times a week to check on her. I also had guilt at first but it HAD to be done. She would have NEVER allowed a home aid to be there in the house all day.....nope.....wasn't going to happen. She was ugly to the housekeeper that I had hired to clean the house that she said she cleaned every day......NOT! Anyway, #1.....you want your mom to be SAFE and well cared for (I'm sure she is with her aid but still). #2.....she does need stimulation and social time even though some others might not be on her level. I have no regrets (as hard of a day as it was taking her because I had to trick her....long story) except one, that is I didn't know about daycare. A lot of facilities will let you bring your mom for the day. In my mom's case I would have had to tell her they NEEDED her to help out in the office. She would have loved that. That way my dad and I would have had some rest knowing that she was being taken care of and watched. You might look into that. It could be an easy first step for her (and you) so that when the time does come she will be acclimated to the place. And finally.....I always tell my friends that are going through this that there is no guilt. Guilt implies that you have done something wrong on purpose. You haven't. You are doing the best you can and trying to make the right, safe and loving decisions for your mom. Take it from someone that has been doing this a very long time, not only do you have to do what is best for your parent but what is best for you and your family. I am wearing down after 12 years (with in laws... passed, sister who passed a few years ago, mom passed last year and now 95 year old father). Good luck and may God Bless you in your decisions.

I forgot to add another thing......if your dad was a veteran and saw combat you might look into veteran benefits for your mom. I know it helped us so much with mom's care as she got worse and needed more care.

To clarify, home care homes are Assisted Living facilities, they are more of a home then a large facility but offer all of the same aid, also, I found one added benefit, my dad can stay, if he chooses, in his room until he passes. This was not an option in larger facilities, he would have to move to different care wings/floors as his needs increased. They also allow him to keep his dog, no additional fee and the patient caregiver is 1 to 4. So until you completely understand, do not try to make any of us feel guilty with our situations, you do not know all of the dynamics involved.

Ihave1now: I implore you to to take care of YOU, which goes along with losing the guilt. You cannot hang onto guilt and have well health. You already know that your health is affected.

I haven't heard anything yet. Maybe at the end of this month.

This facility is an actual house. Crock pots going in kitchen, recliners in den. Bedroom, deck off of the den. Caregiver ratio 1 to 5. 13 mins from my house. Same cost as memory care AL. My mom receives Aid and Attendance as well. I would rather have this setting for her. More personal. I'm afraid she'd get lost in a real AL, behind the doors to her room.

Close is important so you can keep track of her. Good luck. We are on the same fence but haven't found the right place.

This website is so. Wonderful. Thank all of you. I know it's time to rap up house now. Just have to decide between residential, or NH, for future medicaid. Mom has dementia 88, but no other issues.

To Kindnessand love. It sounds like you have the same arrangement. What made you go with it?

I wish my mother was a candidate for AL, but they don't admit dementia patients who are agitated and cant walk or do anything for themselves.

CaregiverL - there are just plain AL facilities, and then there are Memory Care AL facilities (the place we found for our mother was newly rebuilt and they made three different facilities in one: IL, AL and MC. She was NOT a candidate for AL, despite being able to still take personal care of herself and walk unassisted.)

From your statement it sounds like your mother needs a Memory Care Assisted Living place. Putting someone with more advanced dementia into AL is no better than leaving them in their own home really (except they can get help with their physical needs.)

Our mother's MC unit has higher functioning dementia patients along with those who need walkers, a few wheelchairs, and a lot who also need physical assistance.
Check around more and see if you can locate a facility that has MC.

You also mentioned agitation - has the doctor tried prescribing anything for this? I prefer not using medication whenever it can be avoided, but even a little something like lorazipam (sp?) just to take the edge off might help. From what I have read, it might require trying different meds/dosages to get the right effect (calm down, but not zoned.) I think they actually Rxed this for our mother when she first arrived, but I manage/order all her meds, and they have never requested a refill, so again, a little just to get over the hump may help!

My mom doesn't do anything for herself either. I agree with disgustedtoo. Look for Memory care. They are popping up everywhere, up her around Clev, Oh. Private pay, does not go to Medicaid though.

Well the girl from the residential home called. There is an opening. Notified sibling to come and check it out. I think I actually started to skip. Now, three days later my mind is wandering. Has this turned into "it's about me"? I'm so excited that I won't have to buy groceries, or give breaks, driving 60 miles 3 X's a week, shovel snow, reprogram tv unclog toilet. Those seem like such minor things. Going forward it has been 4 years, 20 plus pounds, disassociated from family, that I'd like to forget. I will still keep my same schedule with my mom, but a closer location is nice. Now I'm feeling quilty. What are you really suppose to do ? If I don't move her, it all just stays the same.

My dad wants out from under the burden of keeping up the house.. My sibling wants to force mom into AL..she adamantly refuses.. Can we just drop her off?

She passes the mini mental in her yearly checkups..although just barely.

Ihave1now - What are you supposed to do? Move her!

No it is not "all" about you, but it is about you to some extent, and also about your mum getting the care that she needs. There is nothing wrong with someone else doing some of the things you have been. You have been carrying too heavy a load. Time to lighten it up, and be able to be just a daughter to your mum and not a slave to her needs. It's nobody's fault - just the load becomes too much sometimes.

Ann - some people have taken a parent to a facility and, prearranged with the staff, left them there. You would need to discuss this with the staff at the facility. I see from your profile that your mum has Alz. Looking after your mum and a house is becoming too much for your dad. Have you found a facility where mum and dad can be together? A little more information would be helpful. Starting your own question might bring you more responses. Click on the three white bars upper left on the blue banner, then on "Ask a Question".

Ihave1now , It sounds as though you should not let this opportunity slip through your fingers. The care Mom needs and gets will probably be the same it is just a question of where she gets it. As she has dementia once she settles in she will probably not know the difference. The facility may request that there are no visitors for th first few weeks to allow her to adjust and become familiar with new people. I know this sounds harsh but these people are very experienced and know what works best for new residents.
Don't feel guilty because you are the one being released from prison. You have served your time and deserve it.

Golden I hope no one drops me off at MC. iIwould be tying my sheets together and climbing out of the window. Maybe I can "neutralize" a CNA and steal her uniform. Although maybe someone would notice a CNA using a walker. "Oh I was just returning it to Mrs X' Now where is my cell phone? I hope someone plugged it in. I remember the # for the taxi it is ### taxi, that one was easy. The other one is 911 when I want those nice young men to visit.
Another resident just told me if you do manage to escape they hunt you down and bring you back. I wonder if they use Bloodhounds, I love those long silky ears.

Well I guess if I stop peeing in the waste bin and clean the bathroom walls they may think I am fit to be discharged. Mustn't bite the med nurse either or throw my dinner tray out the door. My new years resolution, well next year, will be to only use swear words silently. Be careful the deaf one can read lips. Time for a nap I hear PT in the hall. Why do they have to shout all the time. That old man isn't going to do what they tell him even if he can hear them, he"ll just blow his whistle.

Golden send me a post card when your sister commits you and I can help you escape too.
Love you all.

veronica -you may remember having read here that some have "dropped off" a parent. I am not advocating it, but simply stating that it has been done. The poster asked "Can you...?" The answer is yes, if prearranged with the facility staff.

I am sure my sis thinks I should have been committed somewhere years ago, but I would never appoint her as POA, and in any case, she would never do the work involved. Blood hounds - lovely!

Go back and re-read what Blackhole and Emandem wrote. I always wavered between guilt and the knowledge that there was no other choice. I'm so glad I logged on tonight and caught this thread and read their posts. Both are certain reminders that there was no other choice. Bless you as you walk thru this.

After four months of trying to convince my mom to move into her lovely assisted living community she is now reluctant to leave it! I am giving up my job and retiring early so that I can move across four states to take care of her. I will move her in with me. And then last night on the phone she's bemoaning leaving her lovely AL apartment! Ah, the irony of life.....!

Dad passed. I'm keeping eye on home mom is in. 50 years, basement celling starting to fall in. Old tiles. No big brother. I'm not dropping her off. Plan to keep my same routine.

Visited residential home. Sister, daughter liked it. Don't really know if mom will fit in. Next step reserve spot, lunch with mom for evaluation. Now I was up all night worrying about mom. She has mentioned her sister, and cousins by name(all deceased). If I knew it was a year away, I would just keep her home, but I also have the financial end of this to worry about(long term). This room may not come up again for 2 years(waiting list).

Pending lunch, just grab it while it's there.

Even, let's say, just supposing, if there is a breakthrough in diagnostic technology in a few months' time and someone waves a wand and says "lo, we have the answer. Your mother, may she be comforted, will pass away at half past four on the morning on Friday next."

Should that, or anything similar but far likelier, come to pass, you will always have the option of engaging hospice at home IF it still seems like a good idea.

But you already know how long you'll have to wait before a place as good as this comes up again. Try it. If God forbid it's a disaster, your mother won't be held prisoner and if push comes to shove you can always have a rethink.

Get an early night tonight! Hugs.

Of course you won't just drop her off.

But you will take the spot, because your mom will be much more "in the swing" when around folks of her age and activities that include lots of cueing, as opposed to her having to figure it "what do I do?".

Make this move for mom.

Thank you, Countrymouse, and BarbBrooklyn.

I have’t posted in awhile. Today is moving day for my mom. It has been a tested week. I did all prep work to get to this point. I even tried an LoPrestor on my mom to see how she took to it. It wiped her out. Is this what it boils down to. Also, after 4 years of running and asking for help, my sister, and brother-in-Law, took off a day of their precious jobs to move my mom. My sister just wants to make sure she gets in. I hate all of this. I really am going to have to bite my tongue. I do hope this works out for my mom. It sucks to get old and alone.

Is this comment "It sucks to get old and alone." about your mother? If you are moving her to the place, then she will not be alone anymore. Still old, but we're all getting older, every day (and yes it is starting to suck - although my back limits what I can do, this is NOT how I saw retirement for me! Up to HERE with paperwork, bills, juggling money, more paperwork, phone calls, dr appts... My needs and desires are on hold for who knows how long.) There will be others there with her, both "peers" and staff, and you will be able to spend more time WITH mom instead of taking care of things.

Although the move might go smoothly and all will be well, usually there will be bumps along the way. Do not lose heart - it sometimes can take months for the adjustment, meanwhile there can be some misgivings on your part when these bumps happen. Keep in mind that most go through this, so no guilt pangs!! It is not because of what you decided. Better that there are a few bumps vs some big emergency at her home.

If/when she asks about going "home", make stuff up - getting some repairs on the house done, repainting, what ever works. You said the place is old and some things are falling apart/down, so this is a plausible "excuse." Then there is always the doctor excuse - doc says you need to get stronger/better/whatever fill in the blank. She can keep her hope to return, just feed that hope!

My client/friend disliked her AL for over a year; until some of the others FINALLY began to talk to her and sit with her at meals. This small town is very insular, so it was typical that it took so long, but now I get to see her interact with other people when I visit her, and it's so good.  They have little jokes together and tell each other the happenings; even guide the ones who can't see much.  Don't worry if it takes a bit....