Long story short...my narcissist parents (dad 86 with stage 5 parkinsons ans mom 85 with cognitive issues/burnout/lifelong weirdo) still live alone. Refuse all help. I had gotten them night care and Part time day care (only because the state came and scared them). But now 1 of the caregivers quit, meaning they're alone too many days and at least 1 night alone. My mom is trying to carry my dad herself. Her emotional abuse is at level 10. He's no saint. They wont move and I actually dont want to deal with moving them. I called the state again last night. Do I let them fail? Or find more help? I dont want to enable them but I also dont want them to die super tragically (that could happen). They didnt even tell me the caregiver quit...I just texted her to "check in" and was shocked when she said she hadn't been there in weeks. My mom is beyond talking logically to. My dad, when I called last night, said their nights alone were "brutal." Oh and my sister found out they haven't been paying phone or cable bills. Despite all my therapy, I'm raging.
As Alva pointed out, if you are not their PoA then your ability to manage anything or make decisions when they resist won't be legally possible, anyway. Yes, it will feel really hard for a while... then the solution will happen,
" ...I also dont want them to die super tragically..." Most seniors do not die Hollywood deaths: pain-free and peacefully in their sleep. I've known lots of seniors -- and plenty in my own family -- and no one went out this way. You need to give yourself a reality check.
May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you wait for the solution.
What we can do is let them fail. Then a crisis has to happen and the state takes over. If your parents refuse to or are unable to understand the full scope of their situation and the dangers it presents to both of them the state will have to take over. They can't make decisions for themselves anymore. Now it's time for APS to come and for the police to start doing regular wellness checks on them both. Then the decision to place them both in LTC will be made by the state and against their will. Let it happen.
Call APS yourself and ask the local police to do regular wellness checks on them. This will be how they get placed in LTC.
Finding more help isn't going to change their thinking, and we know they don't want help. If you try to help them, you're not only stuck with facing a nigh impossible task, you are stuck with unraveling the mental issues of two emotionally and cognitively impaired people. All by yourself. You can't do this, and you already know that!
The best thing to do is to let them fail, IMO. That's going to be really difficult, but they've shut you down before, and they will do it again. I'm really sorry this is happening. You deserved better, and I understand why you are angry.
HOWEVER you have EVERYTHING to say about how you spend your own life.
I often somewhat teasingly tell people to move 1,000 miles away from their parents. My daughter lives three states away. I am 83. It WORKS. However, it is drastic to do if you already love your home and don't wish to move; it would be ever so much easier to set limits as to what you will do to attempt to intervene. Or would it?????
I do recommend a reading of Liz Scheier's memoir, Never Simple. While your parents aren't mentally challenged, as was her mother, Ms. Scheier's book makes crystal clear that attempting to intervene, even with the full auspices of the city and state's social workers, is impossible when the people you are intervening for aren't cooperative.
It's good to hear from you again, Peanut, and sorry things aren't going well.