My mom's doctor just called to tell me that my mother's latest blood test results are very worrisome. She has a UTI - the 6th one in 10 months. Every other time, they gave her oral antibiotics and they did not work, so we called 911 and whisked her off to the ER. She stayed in the hospital for a week each time - one time with septic shock in the ICU. They brought her back with IV antibiotics and fluids, but she has had a very limited quality of life and the UTIs keep happening and the cycle continues. She is 85. She told me the other day that she will not go back to the hospital under any circumstances, which I fully understand and respect. Yet she refuses to admit that the alternative is she will die. She never will. She will receive hospice services at home now, though she has no idea. She is pretty out of it. I'm scared and not sure how to go about my daily life with this constant massive knot in my stomach. I have to do something besides worry about her, right?? Silly question, I know. On top of it, people keep telling me I should be there a lot, but I'm getting more scared to go. I see her 2-3 times a week and lately she has not engaged at all and even asked me to please go and let her rest alone. So it's not like she's asking for me. People say "be gentle with yourself," and to me this means not forcing myself to see her die. She has incredible aides who will see her through this. I'm not saying I refuse to go right now, but I think when they tell me "it's time," I might not be able to go through with that experience and I don't want to feel obligated to. She would not want me to be traumatized more than I have been already.