Do I have to have my mother over for Christmas every year simply because she prefers it to going to my brother's?

Simple answer. Make plans to visit one of your children/or have them stay over for Christmas and tell mom she is spending Christmas with your brother. And do that every other year. Just because she prefers to have it at your home doesn't mean you are obligated to host.

People don't realize how hard it is to host a holiday and be the one caring for the visiting elder too. I made the decision after Christmas 2019 to not have my father over for any more holidays. He could no longer use the bathroom on his own and it was literally a 2 man job to help him out(and I felt awful asking my son to help out). This is definitely something I was not comfortable with. And I swear he planned his bathroom trips at the exact moment we were doing something so I would miss out. I did feel bad about my decision but I was also mad my holiday was ruined having to focus on him 100%. Covid actually made the entire situation easier as it would not have been safe to bring him out. And I was exposed right before Easter so I had to tell everyone to stay home anyway.

I've skimmed your past messages. Do you set any boundaries with your mother?

Your health is being negatively affected by your mother. Even though she is in a facility, she is still the puppetmistress pulling your strings in a masterful way.

Instead of having her over for Christmas, can you (as a baby step this year) stop in very briefly on Christmas morning? I think she shouldn't be allowed to dictate where she goes for Christmas -- high time she started demanding to see your brother the Golden Boy.

You can't control your mother's making unreasonable demands on you, but you can control your response. You don't have to be her puppet.

You do what you want to do. Ask bro to take mom this year. What about the possibility of you going to the Xmas party at the AL this year? That would be mom's family gathering. You can leave when you want.

No. You’re quite entitled to have a holiday as you and your husband choose. While your profile states your mother has slight dementia, she chooses to refuse the AL dinner and your brother’s home.

helenb63,

I can't tell you how many times the 'not too much to ask' has been incorporated into my life as well and I know exactly what you mean.
Yes, it is 'too much to ask' that you have your Christmas holidays ruined by your fussy, narcissistic, demanding mother.
Perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask for you to have her for Christmas if you didn't also have the full responsibility of her life as well.
The family should try explaining to your mother that she is lucky that her son will have her for the holidays. She should be grateful that she doesn't have to spent Christmas at her AL facility because she has family to go to. Many seniors don't and they would be mighty happy if they did. If she doesn't understand this reasoning or refuses to, walk away. Let her spend Christmas alone in her AL then. You and your brother should not feel guilty if she chooses to cut off her nose to spite her face as they say.
Have a happy Christmas with your family and don't let your mother ruin it with nonsense.

We usually did a family party ay mom's NH the weekend befire or after a holiday.

We spent each holiday with our own family.

If you want to go away for the holiday that is your choice. Simply tell mom that you will be out of town this Christmas and that she goes to brothers house or she stays in the AL.
She makes the choice to "not be sociable" so if she eats dinner in her room that is up to her. I would think the facility staff would try to get her more involved but if they have tried and she still prefers to be alone that is her choice.
And...it is your house you can invite whom ever you wish to.
(personally I would not want to go anywhere where someone felt "obligated" to invite me, if I am not truly wanted I would rather stay at home)

Boundries should have been set when Mom first entered the AL. She has staff who can take care of her needs. 3 meals a day and snacks. She does not want to socialize, then that is her problem. You cannot be at her beck and call. What do you have to do for her other than maybe keep her supplied in Depends and toiletries.

If this is Brother's year than that is where she goes. I like the idea of having dinner at the AL and stopping in Christmas morning with a little something. If all Mom contributes to the get together is negativity, then I wouldn't have her. Or have the dinner Christmas Eve and have Mom over Christmas Day for leftovers.

Does Mom spend the night? Good reason not to have her, sorry girls and grands are coming home, no room.

I personally have to have boundries or I get overwhelmed. My Mom was easy but when she had to stop driving I set one day a week to shop, go to the bank and lunch out. Dr visits were done when I could do them, I worked p/t. We lived in the same town so picking up things, when I was out, was not a big problem. But it was, when u can.

I remember the stress of trying to coordinate getting my father from AL to my house on a holiday then back home. My son was nice enough to go and get him Christmas morning. He could not bring him back as he spent the latter part of the day with inlaws. So after hosting and cleaning up I had to chauffeur him home. I was exhausted. When my daughter lived home she would go and help but then she moved 2 hours away so could no longer help with this. I don't think they ever knew or appreciated the amount of work it really was to include them in a holiday celebration.

If you want to go away for Christmas, go away for Christmas. If you're having it at home, though, it would be hard for her not to see being excluded as a slap in the face - what other interpretation could she put on it? Would you have any way of explaining why she's not invited except that she gives you a pain in the neck?

Or, you tell her that brother expects her to make an effort at least one year in three and will be hurt if she doesn't join his family. I assume this is approximately true. Is it???

Frankly, when you get to your mother's age, Christmas can be any day in December or thereabouts. Just because you aren't there on the 25th, doesn't mean you aren't having "Christmas" with her.

You pick a date, call it Christmas, and that's the day you spend with Mom. Then you do Christmas when you want to with whomever you want to.

I decided after my marriage ended in divorce I was going to spend holidays with people who I liked and who liked me. I do not worry at all about other people's expectations of what I should do for the holidays.

I do not spend them with either of my parents. After decades of criticism from both of them, I have no interest in listening to it anymore. If I were to serve anything other than turkey all heck would break loose. Well you know what? I don't like anything other than the thigh meat and would rather have a nice roast for dinner, or better yet, brunch, the spend the day reading my new Christmas book all alone.

Helen, you have every right to spend Christmas any way you like. Do not feel any obligation to have someone who does not like to socialize anyways dictating how you spend the holidays.

How about telling your mother that your brother would be incredibly hurt if she didn't stay with him this coming Christmas and that it's very important to him that she spend the time at his house...and it's really important that you all respect his wishes! How could she say no to her own son! Just explain that he's really looking forward to it - so it's already arranged !

Maybe it's all in the delivery of how you present the info to her - you can spin it to make it positive! :-)

Warning ⚠️ Gut response a-coming..

No. You don't like it Mother? Diddums.

(I'll be back when I have read the other replies).

God help us one and all, here we go with yet ANOTHER blasted Holiday Season to stress out over and it's not even Halloween yet🤐

This year, we've invited ourselves over to my stepsons house for Thanksgiving. Christmas may be a pot luck at my house, MAYBE, where I'll provide the dinner rolls, the kids can bring the rest of the meal while I recline and get served.

Since my mother is in a wheelchair and too large to haul around, we visit her to celebrate the holidays a couple of days before the real holidays and bring food in to the memory care to share with her. Just Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving she eats at the MC and Christmas day dinner as well. Done and done.

If you want to go away for Christmas, tell mother you're going away and she can either spend that holiday with her son or at the AL, her choice. I'm an only child so it's me or nobody. Use your brother as your equal partner in sharing the burden of your difficult mother. That's what I'd do. Now that my mother's dementia has greatly advanced, it's actually gotten easier to get in and out of her MC with less fuss than it used to require when she was more lucid and demanding blood from me.

Wishing you the best of luck doing things YOUR way this year

Yes--your mom's had her chance to dictate how you spend your Christmas for 87 years. And I'm guessing not just how, but with who and when. Head out and have your own holiday :)

This one troubles me. To be left alone for Christmas, and feel no one wants you, is painful. I understand your perspective, but from hers she likely was a good, loving mother who is now being shut out because she is old and inconvenient. I am not saying that is what you think, just what it would likely be for her.

You, your brother, and your mother all live very near each other, so is a combo Christmas celebration somewhere possible? At her assisted living, ideally (if your local Covid restrictions allow), or some other neutral ground like a community hall or restaurant? Could it be on the 24th? Or 26th? You certainly don’t have to have her stay in your house to include her in some of your Christmas gatherings. Can any of your adult children be her transport for your gathering? We used to celebrate Christmas with my grandparents at their nursing home, brought in some easy-to-transport food, and gifts. There would be 20 of us there, at least, from half a dozen households with two hours about the longest drive away for anyone. It’s not the setting, nor the table, nor the food that makes a Christmas gathering, nor even the specific date. Each of our families also had Christmas gatherings in our houses, or at in-laws, outside of this one at the nursing home. Are any such alternatives possible?

Has or will Brother invite her this year?

I think if he is willing to take turns - make that the plan this year.

No need to convince her. Brother's or AL. These are the only choices on table - SHE picks one.

A few strategies for you.

#1. Open. Mother, it's great you will get to see Brother & XYZ at Xmas this year. Yes, you have been invited there. Mine? No, that was last year. It's only fair we take turns. Honest & positive.

#2. Covert. Work behind the scenes. If Brother is inviting, then that is the plan. Let NOTHING deviate from this plan. Never bring it up. If she does, minimal response.

Mother is acting like a Queen Bee who has powers to dictate who will serve her.

Her motivation may be fear of being alone, fear of not being loved or wanted.

So if you do want to play her games, or smooth her feelings - ramp up how much she IS wanted - at Brother's this year, yours the next.

If she goes next level into Dictator Mode: everytime she says she IS coming to your home instead. Say, "YES. 2022. Be great. See you then". Every time.

I'd call that #3. Wear her down.

Two can play that game. But you will win (unless she can taxi to whereever you will be Xmas Day).

Best of luck!

There does not IMO be any "moral obligation" to have anyone visit your house at Christmas or any other time. This does not sound like a religious celebration of Christmas, but more like a folk custom, like Thanksgiving. I'd just do what you and your family enjoy. After all, mom can celebrate at her facility if she wishes. It is on her.

It's Christmas dinner....family.....peace.....love....dove. It sounds pretty certain that you don't want her to come. In my own opinion, there should be a sense of obligation to include a parent in a holiday dinner/day. If you already had plans to be out of town, my answer would be different, but you tossed that end at the bottom of this post.

Since it's two months away and you're already this worked up over it, call your brother and ask him to collect her to go to his house. And ask that he not discuss it with her until closer to the holiday. No point making her fret over it until then. Situation solved and she won't be intruding on your family day.

There may be a little more going on that what meets the eye on this post. Maybe you can calm yourself by putting her at brother's house - and then plan new years or another special dinner at your house where an old lady wouldn't dampen the mood of the day. I'm kind of scratching my head on this one.

Good god! Is it that much to ask?

I think you have done well up until now and now it’s time that you did what suits you I’m sure your mother will understand.

I would tell her sorry mom we are going to my brother's house for Christmas this year. They have asked us to come. I would also tell her this Christmas we have something else planned and we will be gone. Its time for your mother not to pick sides and put you in a bind. I would go with my family because you don't know what life with bring you in the end. Being at peace is priceless. Also I would tell her from this time on we will rotate Christmas's and there will be time for you to stay there if one of us decides to go on vacation somewhere. It won't hurt her to do this.

When I was a kid my uncle and father had a falling out and did not speak for several years. We used to spend all our holidays together. My grandmother was not content to spend one holiday with one family and one with another. My uncle did most of their celebrating Christmas eve so my grandmother would be there, we celebrated Christmas morning and she insisted on being with us too. Problem was my grandmother and uncle lived 50 miles away. So my father (who was conditioned to my mommy happy at all costs) would get up in the middle to the night to drive down and pick her up so she would be with us Christmas morning. My mother made the trek with him just once then put her foot down. She was not leaving the house at 4am to pick up her mother in law only to come home and cater to the woman for the rest of the day. So yes, sometimes it is too much to ask.

You are free to do as you like. You might want to consider "changing up" the usual holiday gatherings. Maybe go to her place for a short time with the family for cookies, holiday drink, opening presents... whatever you and the family can endure.

I would suggest that part of the problem is not the holiday obligation but her worrisome behavior. Please consider reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. With your spouse, come up with plans to deal with each of her problem behaviors - the books are really good at outlining steps to accomplish this. It might also help to book a few sessions with a therapist of counsellor to help with this process.

I can’t believe the selfish uncaring replies here !!! Of course it’s your responsibility to include mother for Christmas !!!!
how are you not even embarrassed
to ask ???
what an example you’re setting for your children … be ready for same
treatment when you’re there !!!

Boy oh boy do I get that. Unfortunately I have no choice because my mother LIVES with us. She's 93. What a dilemma. I feel for you, I really do.
UNFORTUNATELY..... most people do not have the slightest idea what it is to have to have a narc for a parent. I do. I would say, LEAVE TOWN. Just this once- tell her you promised the kids, whatever. You definitely need a break. Don't listen to people who say you are being selfish because with a parent like that, believe me, YOU HAVE TO BE SELFISH FOR YOURSELF because they will take everything you have and everything you are.

Nothing whatsoever is wring with going away with your own family once in a while for Xmas.
Your Brother can have mom over that year for Xmas or she can stay at the facility if she doesn't want to go to your brothers.

I do understand however if you children and Grands come down, tour mom would want to see everyone and should but just let her know she can't spend the night because there is No Room.

In healthy loving families, we have freedom to choose and freedom to have boundaries. Don’t listen to anyone who thinks it’s selfish or tries to shame you. You are allowed to have a life outside of your mother ( my daughter does and I’m so thankful).

I find this heartbreaking. As a mother and grandmother myself, I have spent many holidays alone. Mostly due to my children living across the country. One of my children does not celebrate xmas, which is fine with me. She has just moved to my area ( not to be close to me but a job ) The main thing I find as a senior myself ( 78) . its heartbreaking to read all these remarks and wonder how my children feel about me. Think about when your mother dies, at her age and with dementia it won't be long and you will be free of your mother. Sadly it seems she is a burden to you at least during a holiday. One day you will be old yourself, how do you want your children to feel about you?