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Dad passed a little over a year ago. My siblings descended. One helped a little bit. the other 3 not at all. The ones who stayed her and in a hotel near here went to dinner every night all together. never invited me or any of my family. of course noone invited my mom which she could not have gone anyway as she got diarrhea the night he passed and it lasted a week! she was SO sick!
so - i have less than no interest in repeating that scenario when mom passes. i want to have a service with my kids when I am ready. (we cremate so time is not an issue) that may be awhile before i am ready to say goodbye.
i have no interest in doing a service "because i should" and even less incentive to do it for my terrible brothers and sisters!
am i off the ranch here?

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You are under no obligation to have a service. This is a personal decision. Do what feels right for you. I recently pre-planned the final arrangements for my 96-year old mother who lives with advanced Alzheimer's Disease. I am a single, only child with no family of my own or with any close and caring friends or other relatives. So, I plan to bury my mother alongside my father without a formal service, without invited guests and without clergy. I would have probably done more had the circumstances been different but they are what they are. My minimalist approach is no reflection on how I feel about my mother. I have cared for her seven years and love her dearly. I The point is to feel comfortable with whatever you decide to do without guilt. I hope this comment helps.
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Memorial/funerals/graveside are really about those left behind! My siblings didn't show up for any preliminary planning of Dad's funeral they chose not to come to help Mom thru the ordeal of planning things, and yet when they came in time (to the funeral) to grumble about what was chosen, "took over" the program, changing things up (from pallbearers to flowers to who gave homily) opinionated about everything else including the costs...even though I was only following Mom's wishes!! The constant chatter I got (behind my back) was how controlling I WAS and that he WAS they're Dad too!! But they had no clue what Dad and I had talked about, cared NOTHING about what Mom wanted!!

Therefore, when Mom passes, I too plan to have my own quick, private service with family and close church friends.....and while I cannot exclude them from coming to memorialize their mother....my family and close church friends already know the situation and we plan to honor Mom in a quiet, fun way at Mom's fave restaurant!! My siblings can do whatever, at their own expense, and time, I do NOT care to be a part of their drama and will be long gone on a cruise somewhere!!!
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Have to have a service? Why?

Your sibs can certainly have a private service for themselves, or a public service if they want to organize it. That is their call.

And you can hold a memorial service whenever you are ready. You don't need the approval of your sibs.

My father did have any kind of service when his mother passed. I know that he was following her wishes. But even fifty years later I feel kind of bad that there was no kind of acknowledgement of her life. I was young and inexperienced with such things at the time -- had only ever been to funerals and never a memorial service -- but if it had come later in my life I would have organized a very simple low-key service for her.

I understand where you are coming from, I think. But don't cut off your nose to spite your face. I hope you will at least have a service for your immediate family and your mother's friends to celebrate her life.
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My mother also died last month. I am an only child and am unmarried with no children. I have two first cousins who did not return my calls or get involved during my mother's illness even though they live in the same city as I do.

My mother was a devout Catholic who told me she wanted a mass of Christian burial to be officiated by a Catholic priest followed by a traditional internment.

I knew that no family members would show up or even cared. But I wanted nothing more than to fulfill my mother's final wishes. None of this mattered to me. I carried out what my mother wanted. I could do nothing less after all she did for me.

My advice: do what your mom would have wanted. You will always regret it if you don't.
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I have been a hospice chaplain for many years....so my response is what I have shared with many loved ones. It is truly your call. The fundamental purpose of any ritual after death is to support those left behind. The gift in doing a ritual is to give voice to what we are feeling, to honor, or perhaps simply come to terms with what has has happened. It also is a way to acknowledge what you have learned from them even if it is what you don't wish to do unto others. There is no rush especially if cremation will take place. Who is invited to join with you, how you express and if/when is preference. Follow your heart; engage others who you feel will support you... for assistance. It doesn't have to be a big deal...a simple candle, a poem or prayer that fits for you, a meal with those who you choose to be with...all will help mark both an ending and a beginning to move forward. May you feel supported by me and others who are participating in the conversation. Peace be with you...Elle
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I am an only child as is my mother. There is no extended family, I have no children.The plan is for my mother to live out her life in my home, hospice and palliative care in the future. I will call the funeral home and they can take it from there. She has a burial plot next to my father in a town 3 hours from where we live now. My dad died in 2000 and I haven't been back to that town since then and I don't intend to return. She has no living friends, she out lived them and I have health problems of my own. I was there when it counted , when she was alive.
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I totally understand your dilemma here.
My mom passed in June after living in AL with dementia for 2 years. My two sisters chose not to be involved. At all. No help transitioning her from her home to AL. No phone calls, visits, nothing. Not even when I let them know the end was near. Mom always said, and urban written in her will, that she didn't want a servuce. She knew that I hate then and didn't want to put me through it with my nightmarish sisters. I am so grateful I didn't have to deal with any of it. I had her cremated (as she wanted) and I have her with me in a beautiful wooden urn. Do what feels right. You don't owe anyone anything.
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Do exactly what you want.


This whole caregiving experience hardens us all...

I often think about what I will"not" do for my Mom's service..Screw my no show siblings...
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if your loved one had special wishes, grant them, if not do what is comfortable for you or all involved. if you feel special acknowledgement is warranted, maybe make a donation to your loved ones special charity. you will know that something was done and may help you feel better.
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I am sorry for your loss, and no, you do not have to have a service if you cannot afford one, or do not choose to have one.
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