My spouse is in memory care. Brother has been non supportive and a bully to me since my husbands illness. What are my options? I know it’s considered emotional abuse if not allowing family to visit, but are there exceptions?
No one can bully you unless u allow it. Don't take his calls. Ignore him. You do not need to keep him up to date. Some people get things in their heads and you can't change it. By now BIL should be aware that his brother has ALZ. Does he think you should be caring for DH at home? You know what your doing is the best for your DH, don't take any stuff from the brother.
If he does not agitate your DH when he visits, then let him visit but inform the facility that he is not allowed to take DH out of the building. If he agitates ur husband then ban him.
I try to look at it from the perspective of their happiness. Does seeing your husband's brother bring him joy? If it does, then just look at it that way. When my sister comes to see my parents, I just put on a fake smile and act "cordial" (which was my therapists advice, and the best advice I think I've ever had). I tell myself, "anyone can be cordial for a short period of time." I get through the visit, don't say much except what's necessary, and then it's over and my parents are happy and I can move on with life.
If you are your husband's POA, you can advise the Memory Care admin as to who is and is not allowed to visit DH or who can/cannot take him out of the building, even for so much as a walk around the grounds. And you can stipulate the situation under which the visits must be conducted; in an open public area, for instance, vs. in his room, etc. I'd be quite careful about forbidding him to see his own brother, however, because he's 'been a bully to you since husbands illness.' That situation has nothing to do with his brother, just you......and should have no bearing on their relationship. It irritates you, yes, but I don't believe the two brothers should be prevented from seeing one another due to a strained relationship between the sister-in-law. With AD, your husband's days are numbered as it is, should he not be allowed to see his own brother before he leaves this Earth? I agree that your BIL should be kind and supportive towards you in this situation, but I also feel like the brothers should not be punished b/c he's not. People can react very oddly when dementia enters into the picture.
Was/is he a bully to your husband? What has their relationship been like? During the decline your husband has had and before his diagnosis? The reason I ask is my response would be different depending on your answers. If brother (I am assuming his is your BIL not YOUR brother) and your husband have had a good close relationship and brother has been or had been close to your husband I would allow visit when you are not there, or at least in the room. BUT if your husband gets upset then the visits stop immediately. If on the other hand they have not been close then there is no reason to start a "loving or even cordial" relationship. If your husband is asking to see brother then I would allow it as long as it is not upsetting.
If you do allow visits I would request that brother call in advance and your husband brought to a common area rather than the visit be in his room. This way there are others around if the visit gets upsetting for either of them. If you want you can be at the facility but you can remain in your husbands room or stay in another common area.
If your husband didn't have dementia and could decide for himself, what do you honestly think he'd want in this situation?
You can consider a "supervised" visit as the only option given to him to make sure he doesn't misinterpret something your husband says in the case that this brother has no understanding of what ALZ does to people.
I believe you can have the final say in who can and who cannot be allowed access to your husband. Do you have POA for him? If so, use it and keep the bully away.
If he does not agitate your DH when he visits, then let him visit but inform the facility that he is not allowed to take DH out of the building. If he agitates ur husband then ban him.
Best of luck.
What has their relationship been like? During the decline your husband has had and before his diagnosis?
The reason I ask is my response would be different depending on your answers.
If brother (I am assuming his is your BIL not YOUR brother) and your husband have had a good close relationship and brother has been or had been close to your husband I would allow visit when you are not there, or at least in the room. BUT if your husband gets upset then the visits stop immediately.
If on the other hand they have not been close then there is no reason to start a "loving or even cordial" relationship.
If your husband is asking to see brother then I would allow it as long as it is not upsetting.
If you do allow visits I would request that brother call in advance and your husband brought to a common area rather than the visit be in his room. This way there are others around if the visit gets upsetting for either of them.
If you want you can be at the facility but you can remain in your husbands room or stay in another common area.
You can consider a "supervised" visit as the only option given to him to make sure he doesn't misinterpret something your husband says in the case that this brother has no understanding of what ALZ does to people.
I believe you can have the final say in who can and who cannot be allowed access to your husband. Do you have POA for him? If so, use it and keep the bully away.