Do I have reasonable expectations?

Well that fill in some spaces. So the two of you , wanting to be on the same page (very good) decided to move hours away from your homes to take care of MIL...in her home. Are the homes that you and your fiancé own near one another? Any chance of moving back and having her at one and the two of you at the other? If she was in a NH yes she would have her own room, but the do not let the residents just sit on that little room all day. The come out into public areas for most of the day, meals and activities. Really unless terribly ill, only in the room for sleep times. Does she need the intensive care a NH offers or just some little help that assisted living (AL) offers, or can she function on her own with just a bit of help? Lots to look at there...

Woah! I posted too early to have read the follow-up.

This is HER house? This is HER house??? I am slack-jawed. How dare you require her to be back upstairs in her bedroom before you get in?

How dare you.

Don't you think you'd better leave?

And as for this opening (I thought I must have misremembered): "My future MIL moved in 5 months ago when her husband passed away."

How dare you. Get out.

Well at the moment it sounds like everybody is getting the worst of all worlds. Your fiancé probably feels that his mother is made to feel like a stranger in his home, your MIL - widowed five months, which is really not long on the scale of things - no doubt feels like a leper, and you feel uncomfortable and, indeed, as you say, intruded on. This situation sucks for all concerned.

All three of you need to think again. Ideally do it together, and be generous to one another.

Whoa. I was expecting more supportive responses..not to be called self-centered for wanting private time after not seeing my fiancee all day. Anyway, yes someday we plan to get married. This is her house, although he and I own our own separate homes hours away. We are in her hometown to take care of her. We DO share our space all weekend long. It's not like I want her locked in a closet. Why is her room any different than being at a nursing home?

Well, I can say I am in a very similar situation...except I am 20 years older! FIL moved in with us 4 years ago after have one of many arguments with his 90 yo girlfriend. We had just a few months before moved into OUR new home and gotten the last kid out of the nest. No doubt my guy felt that he wanted to help out his dad and really how long would he be around anyway?? Well he is 88 on Saturday and now developing mild/moderate dementia, drives me up a wall...and we are all retired and home all the time, GAH! This is NOT how I wanted to spend my retirement. The caregiving , like most things when married IS a team effort and if you and he are not in agreement and willing to work that out BEFORE marriage, do not do it! You have every right to expect peace and quiet and a pleasant home life if that is what is most important to you. HOWEVER, he has the right to take care of his mother and the two of you have to get on the same page with that. Any chance he would allow her to go to AL? Any chance you would be able to make peace with the situation or could you move to another house with a mother in law suite? Please iron this stuff out before you say I do! Otherwise nothing good can come of it. The stress alone will do you in. We are looking at a move again and we have had to set some very firm boundaries and there are still issues. Not for the faint of heart.

I have the usual questions running through my mind. Whose house is it and when do you plan to marry? Does your fiance want his mother there long term? If her only problem is incontinence, I wonder why the decision was made to move her in. If your future MIL is going to be there long term, can you find a way to get behind your fiance to make it easier on both of you? Would it be possible to share your lives? I don't see how this can continue to work if she can't be part of the family. I hope you are able to build a better relationship with your future MIL, either living in the same house or separately. Good luck.

So are you pretending that she's not there so she has to be out of your sight and "disappeared" by 5:30? You sound self centered and selfish to me. What great sacrifices are you making? Why not just move out and see if you prefer being on your own? Maybe he can come visit you so you don't feel like you are being listened or someone is making faces at you. Really.

Clarify a little more. Are you planning to get married to each other?

Maybe I need to clarify: we've both been married before and our kids are grown.

Oh dear sounds like my EX mil! I feel for you, nip this in the bud now! And yes i know only too well the "looks" they throw at you! Hugs!

I notice you said "future" MIL. Sonny boy cannot bring himself to cut those apron strings. If he is in his forties, he never will. You are engaged to a man with a controlling mother who will never give him permission to marry.
Unless he is able to break the cycle of abuse, mom will continue to dominate his life and his future.