Do I have caregiver's fatigue or depression?

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I've noticed that I tend to get angry quickly or have less patience with my mom. She constantly asks for help with minor things that she can solve on her own. My dad passed away 2.5 years ago. But she continually compares anything I do to him. I guess as a gauge for the way things should be done. All of this is affecting my decisions with my own life. Plus, I'm feeling quite guilty when I leave the house. Please help.

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My father died 4 years ago and my mother lives in an adult community, independently, but is dependent on me.....for everything including the remote for the TV. I have started to think of her as someone I care for instead of my mother. I realized that I cannot "fix" it, cannot make her happy or take my Dad's place. She lashes out in anger at me, when I am the only one trying to help her. It can be depressing and tiring. The emotional toll is huge. Remember you cannot fix it. Try to group your help to a schedule, this way you have some time to yourself. If you find she needs daily help, mover her to assisted living or hire someone to visit on days you take off. Sometimes caretakers get sick because they neglect themselves. You need to take care of you first, or you will burn out and not be able to help her. You're doing all that you can. This is a lot harder than people realize. I've been at it since 2010. Take care of you. I feel guilty too, even though I am doing all I can. My mother makes me feel guilty, which is manipulative. I have a schedule now and when I tell her, I'll see you in two days, she's angry, but looks forward to it. She'd have me there 24/7 to be with her, making me neglect my family. As a mother, I can tell you, anyone in their right mind would not want this for their child. Please take a break and take care of you. Again, you can't fix her situation.
Caregiver frustration.

You could say, "Mom, I know Dad did it that way, but it's easier (or cheaper, or takes less time, etc.) for me to do it this way."

Gotta' set some boundaries with Mom.
Get the book "Boundaries". You'll go crazy if you don't. 😜
I'd ask a professional--start with your own doctor...mine started me on a med that help me for years as long as I kept going to counseling. later I needed a prescribing psychiatrist. If your doctor thinks it's "just" fatigue, there may be some help for that. It might be your thyroid. See what tests you need.
Dear Will,

It is only natural to feel some of both while trying to help a parent. It sure isn't easy. Just know you are doing the best you can. Talk to your mom and let her know how you feel. Otherwise without more communication and boundaries, the anger and resentment will be overwhelming. Maybe consider hiring a caregiver part-time just to give yourself some much needed respite.

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