Do I back off from my Mother or completely walk away?

That sounds like a very difficult thing to deal with. If your mother is indeed a hoarder, which is what your description sounds like, it's a mental issue that even professionals find challenging to address. I have heard professionals say that it requires a willingness to change and get to the root of the problem when dealing with this and unless your mom wants to do that, she's not likely to change. I think it's reasonable to seek out any help that is available, if she is suffering and her health and safety is at risk.

You also say that she is experiencing memory issues. Some of the descriptions that you give about her forgetting things, making excuses not to go somewhere, etc. sound familiar to when my LO developed dementia. At first, I thought it was intentional on her part, but, eventually, the dementia became clear. Sometimes they remember some things, but, other things they forget, so, they aren't always making things up. They may suffer from delusions too.

Plus, you say that she is 95 years old. It's rare for someone that age to be able to live alone or take trips easily. I'd try to lower my expectations, prepare for what may be a situation that you may have no control over and try to find peace. If you think that she's incompetent, you can communicate with her doctor and also consult with an attorney to see what steps you need to take. I'm not sure that I would want the responsibility, because then it would be on you to get her housing in good shape and that may be very difficult. I might start looking at options, like AL. I'd be concerned that she could suffer a crisis living in all that mess. A fall and fracture could be a reason she'd have to go into a facility.

Needhelpwithmom you have been so wonderful to me. Always encouraging me every step of the way, always defending me to other people on this forum. Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. I have been following your story also. You have come such a long way and I am so proud of you!!! It hurts so much because I use to be very close to my mother. I could never imagine my life without her. But her demons and her gambling addiction, and her hoarding and her drinking have taken over her life and I don’t even know who she is anymore. When I am at work she will leave a voicemail that is pleasant and literally 3 hours later leave another voicemail drunk, slurring her words saying I’m not going to the doctors. You can’t make me go!!! Stop making my appointments for me!! I never asked you to make the appointment!! Etc, etc, etc. The funny thing is she never drank before in her life. My father was an alcoholic and her father was an alcoholic and she always told me her father was a hot head when he drank so she made a conscious decision not to drink. She never drank. Ever!! Well now that she can’t drive and gamble every day she turned to alcohol 3 years ago. So now I understand when someone says they go no contact with their mother. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I completely understand now.

RUN DON’T WALK! She will never change, but you can. Live your life with people and activities that make you happy.

I have a 88 year old mom who has had very high expectations of me my entire life, who by the way is an only child daughter with no children of my own. I have a loving husband, who I make sure that I don't burden him in any way. Up until last year, my mother was a vibrant, active 87 year old, until she had a bleeding ulcer that caused her to faint and be hospitalized for two nights. It did her in. I guess she is suffering from depression, loneliness, and post traumatic stress. When my husband sees my mother, which is about 1 time a month, he says to me that she looks fine to him, and that it may be my exaggeration. I told him that he had no idea what I have to deal with, and I left it at that. I go visit her every other day, taking her food, meds, etc. There is nothing wrong with her memory because she reminds me of stuff I need to do. She is very lonely and the so called friends she used to talk to alot are dead. The ones that are left behind have their own little twosome. When I do something for her that doesn't quite work out, she will begin to complain. You see, I work, and I call her throughout the day to check on her or give her someone to talk to for a minute or two. All she does is complain that she needs me and my husband. She wants to move in and I have told her countless times that that will not happen. I will continue to go to her house and make sure to visit every other day, and make sure her needs are met. She is afraid to go to the doctor because she thinks they will put her away. All I want is for her to try to take some meds to calm her down in one since, and perhaps make her more content on the other.Since I hear her complain all day, throughout the day, when she complains about something I have done wrong, or even if the bank or insurance company has done wrong, I absolutely go CRAZY on her. I am a VERY patient person, and I have always been a daughter who is respectful and kind, but I'm telling you, when she is critical of me, with all of the stuff I do for her. I can't control myself. I hate it, but I guess my anger stems from when I was growing up, I was always trying to meet her expectations. When you are a kid, you know you can only say so much. For example, I cut her shrubs to try to save her a little bit of money and it was a disaster for she and I. I go to DMV to put my name on her old car, like she asked me to, and that got screwed up and she basically blamed me. etc, etc, etc,
My father died 14 1/2 years ago from Cancer, and I thought that was bad. He has suffered from multiple health issues for 30 years. I was use to the physical health problem, not a broken brain problem. It is much harder.
Thanks for letting me spout and I understand your pain. Sometimes both my mom and I say we feel like we are the only ones going through this.

Elaine, I want you to Google the term "grey rock". It's a technique you use with folks like your mom.

The deal is, she likes stirring the pot, she enjoys the drama and the feeling if power she gets from it.

You need to not give her that control over you.

You respond neutrally to all communication. And you simply leave if she becomes abusive. No comments, no screaming, just get up and leave.

But do look up the term and get the full run down on the technique.

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

I do not talk to my mother, she is a horrible person who abused me all my life, when young physically & verbally, as an adult verbally. She used me for both my time & money. During my adult life I went no contact four times, 2yrs,4ys,9yrs and now it has been 8yrs. I will never go back, she is the Golden Son's problem now, she treats him better because he is a male..her thing, men, always first.

Personally for me, she died 8 years ago, I grieved then, when she dies the next time, I will not give it a second thought.....she also never once apologized to me. No one else in the family except my brother speaks to her, her brother hasn't for 35 years. She has no friends as she has burned all her bridges.

Now she lives alone with her nasty self, refusing to budge from her home in the mountains, she is 94, my brother just waits for something to happen to her, although he is the chosen one, he can't stand her either.

She will not change, it is up to you as to how much of your life you will allow her to steal.

I wish you the best, this isn't going to be an easy journey.

NHWM is absolutely right. She’s been to hell and back with her mom and knows what she’s writing about. Listen to her! (((Sending hugs)))

Elaine,

I’m so sorry. It is not easy dealing with a parent who holds grudges, is insulting, has their own frustrations, takes things out on those who do the most for them.

There is a limit to what you can take.
Please seek help from wherever you can get it and take a break without any guilt. You need it. You deserve it. Your mom will survive.

I am in the situation that you are describing. My mom did stop speaking to me. It hurts like hell. Grieving and she is still alive. I can’t do a damn thing about it but accept it.

My brother is dealing with her now. I have done more than my share. He hardly did anything so now it’s his turn. Guess what? She never hired help for me. I was the servant. She will hire help being with him. He can’t bathe her. So be it.

It gets very confusing and complicated, doesn’t it? A shame when families are so contrary, argumentative and so forth. I feel your pain!

Let us know how you are coping. Vent anytime. Big hugs for you!