Ok, so here it is:- my sister in law has ghosted me and ignored me for the last 4 years. - she won’t even say hello but I until recently still tried to be friendly. She holds me accountable for her being unable to purchase a house when she wanted to have moved out of our house before her baby came. Unfortunately my husband ( her husband’s brother) was not able to help with the deposit like he had promised to. My brother in law was very understanding but my SIL says the incident traumatised her because she had to move into a rental place with the new born. We did not ask them to move out. We thought we had provided them with a loving and comfortable home. Within a year my husband was able to give them money for the deposit and they bought their house. However SIL has never been grateful and feels she cannot forgive us but her hatred and coldness to me is extremely painful to bear. It has taken me many years to overcome the reality that actually this person truly hates me and openly shows love and friendship to my other SIL and relatives. My brother in law feels sorry about the whole situation and respects us a lot. He has tried everything to get his wife (my SIL) to be respectful/ kind / friendly but she said she can never change her feelings. I decided to stay out of her way for last 4 months and it’s been very good for my mental health but now she has invited us (blanket general whatsapp invitation) To her son’s birthday party. I really don’t want to go but my husband says that our kids have nothing to do with this animosity and therefore should attend. I don’t want my kids to spend time with her but my husband says that she hasn’t done anything to my kids and so I am depriving them of the whole ‘ extended family’ experience. I don’t want to hurt my brother in law’s feelings. What should I do?
I have done the stiff upper lip all my life and been brainwashed by MIL and husband to be the better person. But I am struggling emotionally and I can’t discuss this with anybody. Do I not attend the party ? Will this mean I am openly declaring war on her? Will she not come to my children’s parties? I want to do the right thing. I feel like I’m always playing chess. What is my next move ? Please help
I have been married 39 years. In that 39 years, I have never figured out why my SIL doesn't like me. Oh, she is friendly enough but there is always that "snarky" remark. I choose to ignore it. She uses being the middle child as her problem. So is my DH and he is nothing like her. She has even had a family intervention and she still didn't see how she is. Her kids are great. I am closer to the daughter than the son. Recently, she wanted us (other brother) to all meet in AR at the National Park. 8 hrs for them, 12 for us. I checked it out on the internet and found it not a place I would stay at more than a couple days or spend 2 days to get to. TG by the time arrangements were made between the 2 brothers and SILs, we had made plans for a cruise. Nope, didn't miss going. I know what would have happened, we would have been the 3rd wheels. Happened before with her. Invited on a cruise with them and another couple, and we were ignored.
If your goal is to make her feel worse than she already feels, you probably won’t succeed in doing anything but fueling the already unmanageable fire.
Anyone who states “I can never change my feelings” whether you or she, is denying the fluctuating capacity of human nature.
I spent many relatively comfortable and pleasant years entertaining a very DEAR relative who had mothered a nasty little snake. I knew that she’d never understand why I didn’t want him or his malignant wife in my house, so to enjoy HER friendship and company, I’d cordially entertain the whole package.
When she died, they left me in the lurch, just as I'd thought they would. No loss, no surprise.
Sounds like BIL and his children may be worth your attention. You decide where you want o be and how you’ll want to feel, after the 3 hour party is over.
you can abide your sister in-law for a short time. I don’t mean ignore her, nor confront her. Just a pleasant hello and move on. Focus on the niece you came there for.
or, if you do not want to do that...just send a nice gift, of offer to take your niece out to some place she would like on another day.
but, do as you want.
Personally I would go. Seems like she is the one with the problem not the rest of the family.
These relationships not only hurt young children, but it hurt my grown children, as well. Youngest was in late 20's when all of it started as a result of the twisted sissies (TS) thinking I was financially exploiting my mom and called in APS. I was investigated, found no exploitation and case closed, me completely innocent. That wasn't good enough for TS's. Then the court battle to get payment for care I had been providing mom, who had assets. Extensive audits, etc. But, twisteds had something else in mind, their inheritance.
TS1 then kept talking with my three kids about what she thought I was doing. This created quite the rift as then I wanted my kids to have nothing to do with them. Two of my kids came around, one, the oldest has always been a people pleaser, wants everyone happy and to get along. She has no clue.
About a year ago TS2 had her 60th bday party, invited all my kids, not me. Oldest daughter was hurt that I wasn't there as she wants everyone to get along. I was hurt because daughter had a new boyfriend that she was quite smitten with that I hadn't met yet, twisteds did at this 60th bday party. I told daughter that was hurtful to me because I had not met him. She then said she was hurt because I did not attend the party. Well, it is kinda hard to attend a party that you don't even know about.
Nephew had a stroke at the age of 22 that I found out about through the grapevine. That hurt. It goes on and on.
Attending the party is for your relationship with your nephew, remember. Not for the SIL. If it is that difficult for you to attend, then don't. I prefer to keep my distance and my two kids have come to understand that and have also chosen to go minimal contact be cause they recognize it for what it is. Oldest, nope.
What else was going on with your son on his bday that he was so concentrated on the one auntie that did not show? Very unusual, indeed for a child with all the bday goings on to be so focused on one person that did not show. Maybe she had something come up that she had to take care of?
"This hurt me deeply especially because they moved across the road from us and she couldn’t even come and wish him happy birthday. On his 9th birthday he cried his eyes out waiting for her as she said she would pop by but.."
I am exceptionally fond of my nephews. I have enjoyed a warm relationship with both of them since they were wee tots, and I like to think that they like me, too; not only as an aunt but equally as a person.
I cannot imagine any nine year old boy, of his own accord, in the midst of the excitement of his birthday party, giving two hoots about whether his dear old auntie was there let alone crying his eyes out about it.
Now, why would he have been so focused on the importance of his aunt's "popping in"?
I'm not sure what it would be best for you to do, but I really hope you are NOT sharing your feelings about this with your young children.
For the time being, perhaps it would be best for your husband to take the children to the birthday party, while you arrange to be busy doing something else. And make sure you are. That way there'll be no offence intended or given.
Love to know where ur SIL is coming from. You allowed them to live with you and your husband gave them a deposit for a house? How generous.
Your DH is right, its not your nephews fault. Its important for your kids to have cousin and Uncle time.
my fiends tell me my SIL was putting on an act whilst living with us with no responsibilities. But once she learnt how to cook and been introduced to all the wider extended family she had no more need of us. My MIL was always meant to move in with the BIL and SIL so MIL went for about a year then SIL started ignoring MIL and isolating her. Both SIL and BIL started arguing as she wanted MIL out. We always said MIL can come back whenever she wants as she had a share in the house. My MIL begged to come back as the environment became toxic. So effectively my SIL made her leave. Throughout all of this I feel no one has ever taken my side. The two SIL’s sided with each other and they are happy MIL is back with me. In 20 years marriage I only got one year of living independently. The other SIL’s are happy they are independent. Living with MIL has been challenging, ups, downs, boundaries being crossed but we made it work. Ever since the SIL’s came into my life, it has been very difficult for me. They enjoy their independent lives and not ever once think that perhaps I might like some private time with my husband and children. Even on holidays they will not invite her, so it’s left to us. My MIL would say negative things to me which she wouldn’t to the others and when the new SIL started disrespecting me, I knew this cannot go on. I tried talking to SIL to resolve her issues and at that point it was all about MIL moving out of her place. So even after fulfilling that wish of hers as MIL is with me, apparently SIL still can’t forgive me or my husband because of the trauma she went through ( I.e having to move with her new born to a rental for 6 months and then to the new house) and that was purely her choice ! Which I did tell her! I told her to be patient and relax, to stay with us longer if necessary but she was stubborn and stopped talking to all of us in the house and stayed in her room. It makes me so sad to think we will never have that friendship/ relationship we had in the first 3 years. My BIL says I have no place in her heart and so I should just ignore her behaviour and not feel any emotions. But this has never happened to me before and what upsets me is that for 3 years I didn’t know the reason for her coldness. It’s now in this last year that my BIL has said that SIL has it in her head that we gave her trauma ( for reasons given above). But I need to heal as well.