My dad is 96 years old, reasonably healthy except he has early dementia and a covert narcissist. Even before the diagnosis of dementia, he has been consumed with the desire to move to a city where he once was very happy. He keeps insisting that he wants his final days there. He currently lives in AL, just for a month now. He is actually thriving because he is being led down to the dining room for all meals which make him very lucid. Even the doctor noticed the difference. Yet, he keeps insisting we move him. He throws temper tantrums because he’s so frustrated that my sister and I will not move him to this city where he knows no one and we would be unable to live or visit him. What do I say to him when he continually brings this up? It’s been going on for three years! Although he’s in AL, I spend a lot of time, sometimes 3x per week making sure his every desire for products are met. If I don’t get him his requested item the same day, he calls me repeatedly until I do. He can’t remember to make a list. He will not participate in any social activities. He shouts, begs snd pleads for us to move him. Please tell me how to handle this. It’s so upsetting for him and me. Thank you.
Try getting photos of it blown up and hang them on the walls. As someone else said, decorate his room in a way that resembles the way his home there once was.
I totally get his feelings, and I don't even attribute it to the dementia all that much. Living in an unfamiliar place jangles your nerves and doesn't feel like home. It's especially upsetting when you're old and alone in that place.
My mother taught art to the neighborhood kids for years, including a boy in my class who grew up to become a major artist. My brother and I bought one of his pieces for my parents' 60th anniversary, and when we had to move Mom to a nursing home, her enormous painting went along with her. It went along to the next nursing home, too, and it made her feel at home. She had macular degeneration, and that huge painting eas big enough for her to see. Even when her dementia progressed to where she believed herself to be 16 and living in her hometown, she could switch back and tell someone that her painting was done by Matt, one of her students.
Make it your special gift to Dad -- working to make his space feel like home. Talk to him about what his room looked like (look for a similar bedspread, for example), what landmarks he remembers (get historic photos of those places), and what smells he remembers (potpourri that smells like his favorite apple pie).
He's in search of the feeling of a place, not the place itself. My mother was in her hometown in its 1942 incarnation, not as it is today, so taking her there wouldn't have made her happy, and neither would taking Dad to his happy place.
In the meantime as others have pointed out -- it is an unrealistic request so redirect the conversation, use distraction ("Dad, did I tell you about the goofy thing that happened to me yesterday?" "Have I showed you the latest pictures of your grandkids?"). If this doesn't work you are ok to hang up the phone or walk out of the room. You can't reason with him (it is draining) and he probably won't remember you did it.
When my MIL asks when she can move out of LTC we tell her as soon as she can show the doctor she can do all her ADLs by herself. This is simultaneously the truth, a timeline and a goal that puts the control in her court. It satisfies her in the moment, so she never asks again in the same conversation. She doesn't like this answer but she can't argue against it. I wish you all the best in finding a solution that works!
Wont it be great when we get there? What do you want to do first? What was your favorite thing to do when you lived three? Did they have a movie theater? What was your favorite movie? Did you have enough money for popcorn or just the movie? Where was the post office, church, hospital, school, grocery? Did you meet mom there? Who was your favorite teacher? Did you have a best friend? I see why you like that town, can I go with you?where is that doctor anyway?