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I am the sole caregiver for my grandparents who are in their mid 80s. Without going into details about how I know my grandparents are very sexually active. However at my grannys last doctors appointment she was told by the doctor that she is not healthy enough to have sex...she has numerous health problems and we can see that it is taking a toll on her. Sex is all they have left to do...its the one thing they can still give eachother so the emotional damage of not having sex would be great...but its killing her. Sometimes I think its just the wifely due and my papa being from the 30s demands it but then sometimes I think she is willing and if she is there is nothing I can do. Right?

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Galleryrow, we can't edit our posts on AC, and it's a trivial point but... I just wanted to say that the second paragraph of my comment isn't correct. I'm a full time caregiver, and brain has been on extra-scattered-mode lately. Just ignore that part and know that yes, gma having sex will contribute to UTIs. If she's getting them very frequently, there is a daily antibiotic for this purpose - of preventing UTIs in females after sex - but I don't know much about it. Also, straight cranberry juice can help. It's somewhat expensive and I can't even find it at grocery stores around where I live, I have to order on Amazon by the case.

From what you've written here, now that my reading comprehension has returned slightly, seems like you're doing a really job with them given the circumstances. :-)
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All I can say is "wow", "good heavens", "awkward", and good luck.
If both are mentally sound, then I guess you really can't intervene.
It makes endorphins....if that's a silver lining.
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Sex can contribute to frequency of UTIs if the female doesn't wash up, wipe down, urinate, do something to get the bacteria that's build up from having sexual intercourse out of urethra. Maybe you can put a container of baby wipes on the nightstand and lovingly instruct gma to wipe herself after sex?

It might seem strange to you what they are doing, and even dangerous to gma, but I have to agree with others that I don't see the need for meddling in this area. It is their lives, their choices, their way of connecting and comfort perhaps? I read your words, you don't see it this way. I don't think that you should interfere here. Good luck!
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galleryrow, the remaining spouse probably felt guilty. The remaining spouse would probably feel guilty if the other died from a fall while walking up the church steps or choked while eating in a restaurant. You can't change human nature.

Did the doctor mean "while you have a UTI" or "forever"?

Do you have any evidence of coercion?

The couple has been advised. I suggest you all sit down and have a good laugh at "Grumpy Old Men."
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Thank you palmtree for that response. My question is how did the wife feel about it after? Im afraid that if one of them died while in the act the guilt would overwhelm the other.
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My daughter is a trauma ICU nurse. Had a patient who was 85ish. Fell and hit his head......while having sex with his 85ish wife. The gossip was that they were having sex but my daughter didn't believe it UNTIL the wife confirmed it. Because in the end the old dude died. Well at least he went out doing something,he enjoyed! ;)
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I understand your concern, however if they are competent to make their own decisions and are aware of the possible dangers, then there's not much you can do. They have a right to make their own decisions. I think it's great they have each other and are still sexually active. I say let them enjoy what they can for life is to short to do otherwise.
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Um...more power to them! Not to be insensitive or to minimize your concern, or how difficult this must be, but, life is so cruel...if you're grandparents are in their 80s and still have each other, if they don't have dementia, and neither has HAD to go live in a nursing home, them they are blessed. There's not much more you can ask for at a certain point. And now their having sex to boot! I can't help that that makes me smile. I'm not an expert, but I don't think sex contributes to UTIs. Give her a shot of the unsweetened cranberry juice every day.
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This is frustrating. I had to pick up my granny from a fall Saturday night...bath her and put her into bed...and they still had sex. Really?
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LOL!!!!
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Honestly when I became their caregiver I did have to work through the gross factor (they are my grandparents) and then not resent the fact that they are not able to fix their own bowl of cereal in the morning but they can have sex the night before. I accepted all of that. Now it is strictly the health issue. I was the one who brought it up to the doctor ...granny had another UTI and I wondered if this could be a contributing factor. You are right...Ive said my peace...they have heard it from doctors. ...I told my cousin if they happen to pass away while in the act Im going to put clothes on them and take them into the living room before I call the family. :)
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Good heavens can't Grandpa snuggle with Grandma instead? Or do something other than going all the way to feel satisfied? For a woman when they reach a certain age intercourse becomes extremely painful because the tissues in that area have become paper thin and there is no moisture. I hope Grandpa isn't demanding something that his wife isn't physically unable to do any more.

My elderly Dad grumbles about his ED problem [something a daughter doesn't really want to hear]... then I look over at my Mom who is painfully frail and wonder if Dad has talked to my Mom about this. Even if he didn't have his medical problem, could Mom even participate? They both still hold hands with each other while sitting on the couch :)
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Be happy for them that they can still give this to each other. Why did the Dr who is probably young and sexually active make this decision. What kind of a toll do you feel it is taking on Grama. What are her health problems. many, in fact most people, in their 80s have health problems that would possibly kill them during sex but if it is still enjoyable and they are willing participants. There are many other reason you are seeing that may be taking a toll on Gma's health. Are we looking at some perverted view here from younger relatives who think it is "disgusting" to allow people in their 80s to have sex. Who even mentioned this subject to the Dr? I am 76 with major heart problems and no one has ever asked me that question. They ask about domestic abuse, use of alcohol and smoking but not if I am still having sex with my husband of over 50 years. Oh and I forgot illegal drugs and more recently if I have been out of the country in the past 3 weeks. As long as it is consentual keep out of it. If it kills her she will at least die happy
I feel this is close to the subject of allowing elders in nursing homes to have sexual encounters. people turn a blind eye these day to what teenagers are up to but if the 80 year old grandfather is caught holding hands with a widowed 85 yeqr old all h*ll breaks loose and one of the families moves their loved one to save them from this situation. Not your question I know but one of my passions about the happiness of the elderly.
Short answer "Do nothing"
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You are right. Have you seen the story on the news this morning about a man charged with rape of his wife with Alzheimer's. Charges were brought by her daughters evidently. Nursing home had told them that she is not competent to consent. He was found not guilty.

If not healthy enough for sex, then she may have a heart attack or a stroke? This is their choice, doctors have told them. It is not up to you to make sure they follow doctor's orders on this. Leave it alone.
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