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Does your dad have a will? Rewrite it now and put everything in your name only. Next it’s time to ask them to send money if they choose to not be around for your dad physically or choose to opt out of having him at their house periodically. The money will be used for caregivers and pay for him to be in a respite care place once a month so you can have some time off. Also, in your state look up office for the aging where the state pays for him to have caregivers if he qualifies financially. If he does qualify and gets the max hours which 280/mo., that’s still not enough so you will still need money from them. I would keep this arrangement on the downlow from them for obvious reasons. You just need to demand money that usually gets them to cooperate.
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Reply to Moluv4

Clearly you cannot expect any help from them. They are not going to change. But you also are entitled to your life. It's always good first to ask for help from your local agencies that deal with seniors so that you know your options. A social worker might be able to advise. It might be time for him to go to a facility if you are no longer able to handle his care. At the very least, social services might be able to provide aides so that you can get a break. He might need more care in the future, if his condition declines. In this time of pandemic, you can say 'no' to funerals. Travel has risks. It's not the same, but there are sometimes zoom options for the funeral services.
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Reply to NYCdaughter

Hello, I take care of my dad, but I got a caregiver to help out. My siblings don't help since my dad made me POA and I'm 100% in charge of his care. Even with the caregiver, it's still a lot of work. I moved him to my development from another state last year. I don't plan on taking him to any funerals or weddings unless my 2 siblings (one half hour away and another 6hr away) help with that. If not, he will stay home and will send a card. I feel your burden, and I would say to hire a caregiver if you can for help or for respite care (can write off caregiver costs and related expenses on taxes). Keep it simple as much as possible; I would say not to travel with your dad. Also, wonder if your community resource guide (check online for your county) would offer free or low cost assistance, as well as calling your local Office On Aging to refer you for assistance.
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Reply to cangeli

Your Siblings are Selfish Jerks.

You should talk to both of them and let them know you are burnt out and need help, especially the one that promised 6 minth care and you 6 month.

Tell them you need a brake every weekend. Tell them that Dad will have to be placed in a facility if they can't help.

If neither will step in to help then you need to talk with your Dad and tell him the truth about your feelings and how things are at home.

Maybe he can talk to the other two siblings to help.

Bring up living in a facility and tell him you can take him to look at a couple.

Did he have his own home that could be sold to help with financial?

If your Siblings can't help care for Dad in their homes, then ask each sibling to each give $500 a month to use for Caregiving help.

You can hire 24 hr Caregivers for $10-12 an hour if you hire straight with then and not an Agency.

You go thru an Agency and they'll charge you $20-$25 and give the Caregiver $8 or $9.

I have a 96 yr old Dad that I was lucky enough to hire and pay $9 an hr and they do 12 hr shifts 24 7 which cost $1512 a week.

Does your Dad get Social Security?

Maybe you could use his Social Security money to hire a Caregiver for a couple days a week, weekend, ect to give you a break.


Is he a Vet? Have you tried applying for help with them?
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Reply to bevthegreat
cweissp Feb 21, 2021
Great advise. I forgot that one. If he is a Vet, contact VA. Did get my father VA benefits to get hearing aids. From looking at the paperwork, he didn't qualify for Aid and Attendance benefits, but your father might.
TG, have you done any thinking about what you will change so that your situation will change?

In the end, the only thing you have control over is your own behavior.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to determine why you are so "stuck"?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
tgengine Apr 1, 2021
I have considered therapy, had it when I was a child due to family issues (mainly where a lot of this stems) and when my wife and I had some challenges (fully healed). Didn't have great luck with therapists, One had us fighting right in front of him, one took her side, one sat us down and said "I can't help you two, you have to help your selves", that was the moment the light went on for both of us and we have been great ever since. He was the best one and didn't say anything, I think we saw him 3 times and we healed each other. As far as changing me? I am trying, lots of water under the bridge. Every time I try to make a change it slaps me right back. I won't give up on my responsibility it is just I have to do it and try to remain calm through the process. Its been a long 8 years in this situation and 12 years taking care of others in the family, 2 in-laws health and death. mom's death, a child moving in, and divorce and moving out. Another child possibly moving back in........ just taxing on me mentally.
I'm like to tell you that this is an anomaly, that siblings step up and work together but that wasn't my experience. Mom passed in a nursing home March 2019 at 96, Dad passed one month ago today in the same room...thanks COVID.
I have twin brothers with adult children and all of them live within 4 hours of the LTC and yet no one visited Dad for 18 months except my husband and I. We live 9 hours away in NY and have had to travel to Ontario, Canada to visit. This last year of course made things harder due to much so that we've had to refinance the house to pay off my credit card due to all the expenses of visiting and caring for Dad. (funny, all of a sudden there's a great deal of interest regarding what's going on with the estate, you'd almost think Dad had money to leave them.) The mantra I started to say (which gave me strength) was "no one is coming to save me". And it's true. As I type I'm on crutches in Canada convalescing so that I can make the 9 hours drive home. (3 days after Dad passed I ended up in the hospital with a dislocated hip replacement and have been alone without ANY support ever since because hubby is American and despite our efforts, we can't get him across the border even to so much as attend the internment or drive me home) So know, your sibs aren't likely coming to help you and if you can, try and make peace with that reality and see if there are any other resources out there that can give you a hand. Wishing you the very best and I'm so sorry for what you're going thru.
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Reply to BaileyP3

Well I think you know that your siblings are not stepping up and so do they. They may never do so but I would send an email to the siblings you want to help asking them ‘What are you prepared to do to help out with Dad’s care.’ Ask that actual question rather than ask them to do stuff which they make excuses about. Based on their answer e.g. if “ I could have dad for a two week holiday” was an answer, you then say “How will you make that happen, when will that happen let’s put in some dates.” Have you actually said “my health is suffering and so is my marriage can you help me here?”
if you still get no help then at least you know and can reassess your relationship with them. For example even if they don’t take your dad at all can they pool some money so you can buy in care or respite? Ask pointed questions so that they actually have to say “no I’m not willing to give any money to help you.” Or “ actually I’m not willing to take dad at all.”
I feel very sorry for your situation, though not unusual I can see it is exhausting. Your siblings also realise this which is why they will distance themselves so they don’t hear your stories. It’s not fair and they know it and so do you. I am absolutely certain that if your father had a major inheritance to speak of they WOULD be involved!
Ask those questions and get their answers in writing, you will be surprised how reading it in black and white will help you know where you stand. X
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Reply to Emubird

Wish I knew something to help, but I feel your pain. We have siblings that offer to help my FIL every time we talk, but are too busy when we call on them to help. Sometimes we give them several month’s advance notice we will need something, but *somehow* their schedules are full several months out.

It was worse with my mom who had ALS, one brother threw money at it and never saw her alive again after her dx. The other disappeared more and more after her dx. He lived in her neighborhood, and I was an hour away, but my sister and I were the only ones in her life the last month and in her final days at the hospital.

that brother did manage to find a way to take out a second mortgage on her house to pay for upgrades on his house, and had her rewrite her will to forgive the loan. When she could still talk, I asked about that and my mom said “he is the only one who helps me”. What a blow to my sister and I who took care of her daily for over a year. 🙄

It is a thankless job, but I wouldn’t trade that time with mom for anything. I believe our rewards for sacrificing aren’t going to be earthly, call it karma or faith or whatever. But also, we have to be careful not to destroy ourselves or family and get outside help when it becomes too much.
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Reply to Lilfarmer67

It is not unusual for one sibling to have to shoulder the burden of care. I did it for 15 years without help from my brothers. I love my mom and I did not mind, but it also ate up my life and financially impacted me for the rest of my life. In other words when I "retire" I'll be living in poverty. It affects your retirement considerably.

You literally have to sacrifice your entire life to be caregiver full time; either that you stick them in a nursing home. I could not bear to do that. You have to love your parent than yourself in order to become that sacrificial lamb, and mom was my entire world. Until she died. Age 90, three months. Her Alzheimer's did not kill her. Insulin-dependent diabetes, liver and kidney diseases did it, even with excellent controls on her sugars. Diabetes does its number even with great control. In the end I had a feeding tube put in my mom because I did not want her to die of dehydration. She did great with that until her kidneys and liver did her in. She died without a single mark on her skin, no bedsores, and she was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months because it was hard work keeping her moving until she forgot how to stand and could no longer focus on that.

Do I regret doing that? No. I love mom. She was my world. Her death really impacted me and, well, that's just part of life. We all die. Her ordeal of living is over with. I miss her, but I'm working and trying to get my Master's degree. You have to carry on. You just have to. I know mom would want me to, so I keep on going for her sake.

Mom died very peacefully and hospice never had to opened up that emergency pack. They came over daily to make sure she was comfortable and she was. I never had to give her any narcotics or psychotropics her entire life. She did great without them. I used exercise to control her behavior. I walked her in the park everyday for 5 years. EVERY SINGLE DAY. That really kept the "crazies" down, and for the most part "sundowning" was not a big problem. I kept her awake during the day and she slept good at night.
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Reply to cetude

Hang in there. You are greatly appreciated
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Reply to LeChelwelborn65

No, I never had one sibling offer. I was the only daughter: OF COURSE it was my job. Thanx to a mother, wonderful in many other ways, who fell for the myths of male superiority & traditional attitudes toward women “hook, line & sinker.“
DON’T fall for it: stand your ground. All kids should do what they can -not more - what can be managed while taking care of your own health & your other family responsibilities. It should never be the responsibility of one, especially just because that one is a daughter. Do what you think is doable AND fair; then tell your siblings to get their butts in gear to do the rest!
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Reply to annemculver

Im in the same boat with my mom. Just me but all 3 brothers say I handle it better. 2 are married but me by myself handles it better? That's what they need to feel. I had a brother that lived 7 miles away but can't drive. Sad to say he came once in last 8 years because bird flew into her window so he had to replace it. When mom introduced herself to him as Jackie and he said I usually call u mom. He turned around, teared up and left. For good only few months later he move to TN. didn't even say goodbye and basically severed all ties with my mother and me.
One brother bought house I live in to give himself expensive reason not to visit and he's a pilot.
My middle brother used to take mom up north for month or 2 each year but had grandchild and feared for safety around mom so those breaks were over. Since pandemic it's been almost 2 years since I had respite now. Finally have respite but want to get my mom who is 84 with dimensia vaccinated first which seems impossible. I totally empathize with you and understand Dyer need for a break. I've figured out that I just keep going Hope for the best expect the worse and hope that I can do it. Don't get me wrong, not how I thought it would go either. I have 3 older brothers and I get phone support from one and excuses and whining from other 2. The minute her memory was gone was their excuse to sever ties for most part.
My theory is once one family takes on responsibility in any way at all.... you're stuck with it forever without much help. Sad there are so many stories like this. Good luck to you... take a deep breathe, count to 10 and continue.🤞👍🙏
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Reply to tjstyme

My brother offered assistance, but he has no followthru. According to our mother all he wanted to do was take over their financials which I was taking care of. This is someone who has no concept of money and was always flat broke. He did not get his way and after dad died moved out of state again. Fortunately our parents were in A/L and not living with us.

I believe you said your father has no money - as someone else previously wrote, check social services and possible local department/commission on aging. If he needs A/L see if there are any that accept Medicaid - I know there is at least one in the area I live. If he needs more than A/L check into nursing homes/SNF/LTC facilities for medicaid beds. You may need to contact an elder law attorney. Social Services or Dept of aging can also guide you as to whether your father would qualify for in-home care.

You need to contact your siblings and lay down the facts that you can no longer take care of your father in your home and lay out the options found. As far as you and spouse wanting to go on vacation - some A/L facilities will take in (our used to before COVID) for short term. Find out what it costs for a month. Your siblings should (key word - should) pay to place him short-term while you are away, if nothing more than to say thank-you for all you do for dear old dad.

Let's face it, care of parents usually fall to one child. While my SIL did most of the looking in of our MIL, after she went on strike the 3 sons did step up; SIL did step back in while sons had to take their turns. My husband & his brothers and wives did make joint major decisions together. A rare happening.

Best of luck to you and your spouse.
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Reply to cweissp

Maybe your siblings are off skiing with mine 😅

Time to face facts. They can't or won't help.

Neither guilting, pleading, pressure or agro will force them.

'They should help' thinking has not changed things & is not helping you.

Time to flip the script:

Something like - I am a great caregiver. But I have limits. I will think about what help I need, research it & implement it.

Many many people (so so many) have had this sibling issue. I'm sure it makes siblings become distant... but it seems you can choose how to respond: to be bitter about them not doing as you would wish or accept their boundaries.

You may currently be the family *Resuer*. But I say your first responsibility is to rescue yourself.
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Reply to Beatty
WantingPeace Feb 21, 2021
Boy, you hit the nail on the head. I have one sister and have pleaded, begged, yelled, had a meltdown and it will not change her participation. She comes once a week and will bathe her, change the sheets and do 1 load of laundry then hightails it outta here. I guess I should be grateful that at least she does that? Ha, but ok I guess! And that only happened at my insistence about 2 years ago, never her initiation on anything. I've been wanting to post about this for quite awhile now and will hopefully do so soon as I do need the support. I do find comfort in knowing that others understand the situation because of their own personal experiences. Like you said Beatty, so many others have this sibling issue. It's such a shame!

So to tgengine, if having a sit down with them and laying it all out (either again or for the first time as a group) feels right to you, then go for it! Just know you may not get the response you desire but who knows, you may be surprised. Even though I know my sister will never initiate any help, and I have to find a way to make peace with it, it still is challenging. Look into the other suggestions here about finding help. It's available and you deserve to have relief!
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Do a conference call with both siblings and ask them straight up - what are either of you willing to do to give me some relief? Come to my house to care for dad, bring him to you so you can care for him in his house, or pay for what you don't want to do? Be very clear that you need a break and don't need to hear what they can't do at this moment - what can they do at a specific time and date? Have your talking points prepared and stick to the script when talking. No one has been able to get here to help, yet you are able to travel to other places where covid cases exist. No one has called and said you need a break, bring dad to my house. To #2, say: when we started this you said 6 mos at my house, 6 mos at your house, When can we implement that plan? - Bottom line, I'm asking - what are you willing to do and when are you going to do it. I need some help. Be prepared for the answer you are going to get - if either hems or haws around about why they can't do something right now, bring them back 'round to the conversation: I don't need to know what you can't do for one reason or another, I need to know what you WILL do and WHEN. So, if you do not plan to help me at all, tell me now. If you get a date out of either of them - say, I'm marking it on the calendar now and making plans for that period of time. If you don't get any kind of commitment, be prepared to move on without them. Yes, you'll be angry and frustrated, but you know the answer. Then do what you need to do for dad and if things finally require more than you can handle, check in to facility care. You can call them after the placement to give them his new address.

You should have thrown a fit as they prepared to leave you empty handed at an airport. I have this funny feeling that you tend to bend too much for them. Perhaps even saying 'it's ok, I'll be fine' as they ran for the exits. Then you do a slow boil over what they did to you. Stand your ground with them if you decide to have a family conference call.

Surely dad has social security and/or retirement income. Utilize it to pay for some in home help for his care. Use whatever assets he has to cover a break for yourself. Do NOT discuss any of the spending with sibs who refuse to help. Keep a really good check book register with notes, or other spreadsheet, to document expenses for his care. Later on if anyone wants to know why there's nothing left to pad their bank accounts, hand 'em a copy. --- There's always one who can't figure out why mom/dad has no money left when they were living with a child and others assumed parent was jut rat holing their entire income and savings.

I had to chuckle about the sib who will have to keep a PT job after retirement so they can travel. Write that down in your book, because it's gonna happen. Not so much to save travel money, but as an excuse to stay out of the caregiving position. One of my sibs actually got a job, after years of retirement to avoid being available. And quite commonly talked about 'heading out to the weekend house in the country'. I mean, what is someone thinking that they would even tell you about weekend after weekend of retreats and fun with their family?? Callous in my opinion. But, that's why I say be very prepared for the answers you get when you do the family conference. It hurts when you have hope they will step up - it is crushing when they tell you they won't.
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Reply to my2cents

My only sibling made many promises he never kept to help out. He wouldn’t even install a grip bar in the shower for my mom. He drilled a hole in the tile and left. Impatience or being passive aggressive - who knows!

I complained to my parents who did nothing to rope him in. I was helping a lot & left my parents’ house because I was burned out. I couldn’t take it & was afraid I would get very sick if my caregiving continued. I’ve been there twice for short visits in the last 8 months.

Please ascertain which resources are available to dad. Can he afford pt caregiving help? Does he need to go to a facility? You need a break before you get very sick yourself. He’ll have no help if you’re in the hospital or ordered to stay home to recuperate.

I thought my brother would blow off my parents & was afraid they’d decline. It hasn’t happened. My brother is now helping out. It was that or out of the will I’m guessing.

In fact, mom was in the hospital for a few days over New Year’s (mental health related which was what she needed as she has a chronic mental illness), went to rehab and went home. Medicare is offering a few hours of therapy per week for 8 weeks.

She went through this uptick in mental health symptoms in 2019. She needed the above. My dad didn’t want it since I was there. It angered me, I complained a lot, but I chose to stay to help her out. It trashed me & didn’t help her. It helped my dad & brother because they were off the hook for her care. Grrrrr...

What I’m saying is that things will not fall apart for dad if you leave. Set your boundaries & stick to them like glue. You never know. Things may improve for him. Good luck!
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Reply to MMasonSt

TG, you made your decision those years ago, and your siblings made theirs, and it is utterly pointless to blame them now. Actually, it isn't just pointless, it's unfair and unreasonable. You *knew* this would be how it would go. You even joined this forum and discussed the issues back then, before your Dad moved in. You did think this one through - and you decided to tough it out.

If you want things to change you are free to change what you do; and you can do so with your head held high. But blaming your siblings, resenting their freedom of action, bemoaning their uselessness when they do make any effort, won't help.
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Reply to Countrymouse

Call #2.
Put on a real show about your mental state so that it is CRYSTAL CLEAR that u need a break. Say whatever it takes!

Get #2 to agree to take dad for 2 weeks. Several days before dad is to return, refuse to take him back. Then go NC w #2 for several weeks so that #2 gets a FULL DOSE of reality.
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Reply to XenaJada

You really cannot count on other family members to help in care. Especially when there isn't clearcut discussions and rules (and even they will go spotty.) It is one of the most common complaints on Forum.
I hope you will consider for yourself how long you can go on now without help. Why not sit together and talk, tell them you are exhausted and burned out and didn't understand you would bump up against your limitations so fast. Honestly ask them if the are able to do more, and if not, then placement is likely the answer. So sorry. Hard realities biting.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

So sorry you are having so much stress and no help. I took care of my 98 year old mother for eight years alone. I had family offer in the past and then when I took them up on it , too busy. I have gotten smarter over the years. Asked me to do something one day and I said plain and simple no and looked at me with confusion. I have always been there for every family member it was disappointing when rarely I asked for a little help and did not get it. I think it hurts more when they just don't seem to care about you. Actions always speak louder than words in my opinion. I would have a family meeting with all your siblings and discuss options for your dad. It is tough for you now and down the road it will get more difficult. I have help now for the last twelve years with two family members which I am so grateful. Things could get better with a plan in place. Home care might be a good start a few days per week. The best to you and your dad.
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Reply to earlybird

From your profile you have too much on your plate. Do u still care for SIL and BIL? I will assume SIL stands for wifes sister? Is BIL her brother? If so, maybe its time too get their families in on their care. Both my siblings have adult children and significant others who can very well take care of them. I don't expect them to do it for me either.

My brothers did nothing, one being 8 hours away with MIL problems and the other 30 min away. I excepted the fact that it was just me. The oldest and a girl.

I would not have gone thru what you did when it came to flying Dad. Sorry, ain't going to happen. Funeral hours away, because of Dads health, not able to come. You want to see Dad you come here. If you want him to visit, I'll meet you half way and you can have him a week or two or more.

You don't say how old Dad is? Does he now need 24/7 care? Maybe see if he could get respite in an AL or LTC facility to get you some time to yourself. It will cost u but it may be worth it. Does Dad suffer from a Dementia? If so, may want to consider LTC with Medicaid footing the bill.

Life is not fair. If you read other posts you will find your not alone when it comes to siblings and help. I found by just excepting that its just me, it made a difference. If you don't expect others to be a certain way, life is easier. I had POA and did what I thought best.
So, when it comes time when Dad needs more care than u can give, you make that decision to place him. If its questioned, u may want to say that if you had more help maybe you wouldn't have had to place him.
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Reply to JoAnn29

does your county have an age and disability office? Can you contact your fathers dr for some direction? Social worker ? My county has one, and they can give info and help towards moving your father out of your home. Meaning steps toward Medicaid and assisted living. My husband’s family is in the beginnings of in home care . I won’t put my foot in it , and I won’t allow my husband to either. Reason ? I could see the above happening to us. I wish you success in making some sort of transition for yourselves. Your siblings are not going to do this. Covid, for my situation is real. MIL goes out to eat / funerals. BIL doesn’t believe in covid risk. I won’t go over....
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Reply to babsjvd

This may be the time to give up thinking that the siblings will help at all, and put some changes into place for YOU.

Can you get a sitter for any time at all during the week?

Does Dad qualify for an in-house aide for a break?

Any possibility that Dad can move to Assisted Living?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to cxmoody
tgengine Apr 1, 2021
No, he can't and that is not in the plan. If I did that I'd have burning pitchforks coming my way. Not that any one of the pitchforks is going to help.
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