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Yes, the help from the siblings only last a week! Then I didn’t hear from them until they wanted something lol! It is pure abandonment!
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Reply to Only1caregiver
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Unfortunately this is a common occurrence. I have had the same experience, 11 years. 8 of them taking care of both mom and dad. Mom passed 3 years ago. Only other sibling is a nurse, very wealthy, lives only an hour away. Does the barest minimum. Sees him 3 times a year. Has promised to help since 2013. Mom got cancer in 2009. Sis is full of excuses now she doesn't even bother. Said dad and her discussed it and this way is "easier". I asked for whom but Dad allows it. In the meantime I have lost my job, my friends, pretty much everything as dad was demanding even when I was working full time and taking care of cancer and dementia mom while still working full time. Then part time and now disabled. Sis won't help, promises sometimes but then says she "has a life" but also says anything I might get from inheritance from dad she will fight as she feels "I don't deserve it" and that "she has money for lawyers". Dad pays me zero. He might give me 20 bucks a couple times a week but only after I have spent at least $40 getting what he wants. Sis gives to her church 10k a year, gives me $100/year at Christmas for 11 years. Dad is very needy, even with covid. We don't live together but he is still very demanding and his chores take up a huge chunk of my week. Meanwhile I haven't had working plumbing for 6 months and no means to change this, no floors since the last hurricane. Yet last week he was upset that my sister's house needs roof repairs. She lives on 14 acres in an empty 5 bedroom house and has the means to just call a contractor but from his crying you would never know. I am now disabled on food stamps but still they demand more. I tried to leave dad at VA hospital and say I can't do this anymore. Social worker said I am the one who can be brought up for charges not her. Dad was whining about being depressed, I finally told him he is not the only one who wants to die. His response, "don't kill yourself until after I die".
Oh, my birthday was a few days ago on the 19th. He "forgot" and the only thing he had for me was a grocery list and mail he wanted me to handle. If you can get out then do. Do it for yourself. Like greed, there is no end to it.
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Reply to dadisavet
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Your are not alone. My brother has not offered to do anything to help my mother and he is wealthy while I am poor I've been caring for my mother for 11 years now and she is currently under care of hospice. I have no life, depressed and usually stay in bed when not helping mother . So you are not alone friend.
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Reply to Artist69
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What were the dynamics of your family growing up? Was it dysfunctional? Were there different rules for different kids depending on favoritism? Did some of the classic roles for siblings get played out: Golden child, Scapegoat, Lost child, The Baby? I foolishly believed all that stuff was behind us as I took on the role of being primary caregiver for our Alzheimer mother. I believed all the heartfelt promises that "caring for mom will be really hard, but we will be there to help you." All three of my siblings, plus their husbands and older children showed up to help me move from my house into our mother's house. It was wonderful and supportive and lasted until the very first family meeting a month later after I had time to access Mom's situation and the work was to be divided up. Suddenly, the lovebombing honey moon that tricked me into taking the role in the first place was over. Instead, the first phase of the gaslighting and emotional and financial abuse started. Gaslighting was insidious as the three siblings all insisted that they were doing just as much for mom. One held the purse strings and paid the bills at the end of the month. The other was suppose to take mom to her doctor's appointments. Never happened. The third supposedly met mom's social needs and took her to lunch six to eight times a year. All three of them did not do in a year what I did for mom in a matter of a few days. I took care of mom for six years before finally giving them a month's notice (like the unpaid help I'd been reduced too) and putting her in a nursing home. At the end of it, one of the siblings wanted her daughter to live in mom's house rent free, plus all utilities paid, plus a housekeeper "just while the daughter was doing her flight attendant training." When I said no, that mom's house needs to be rented out and the money used to pay for her nursing home, I was told that "family helps family, and I'm not helping the family". WTF? It's been three years nowsince mom was put into the nursing home. The siblings have taken over her assets and use them for their own needs. I got a lawyer, but they seem to be taking their own sweet time cleaning out mom's house and getting it ready to rent, one knickknack per month while the grandkid lives there "house sitting". I don't have any more money for lawyers. My sister uses my mom's money to pay for the lawyer. They have already changed her trust twice in their favor. It's messed up. Anyway, looking back, I realize that not only did my siblings not help, but they actually enjoyed the abuse I went through doing all the work. Three years later, I am still working through the complicated emotions and CPTSD left. I wish I had gotten my head out of denial sooner. In truth, my sisters enjoyed watching the abuse of the caregiving from afar. In their reality, they were entitled to have the scapegoat sibling do all the work for them. In their minds, Mom would have wanted it that way. Ask yourself, is some of this happening to you? I wish I had woke up sooner to the true nature of my siblings. I am still horrified by it. In your case, is it possible that not only do your siblings not care one bit to help, but was her trip to Vegas made that much sweeter knowing she left you behind to suffer?
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Reply to ptreyesbunny
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My heart goes out to you. I have a sibling who started to help a little bit and now does not help at all. I know the frustration when this happens the best advice I can give you is you know what you can do take control of what you can control what you can and just ignore what siblings to it is eating me up from West eight years until I just decided enough is enough and I walked away from my siblings
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Reply to Dlscroggins
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Seems to be a common thing. My mother took care of my grandmother whose 92, unfortunately my mother suddenly passed away a year ago. There are 7 grandchildren of my grandmother. I stepped up and am doing my best with her, My brother calls her once in a blue moon and promises her things...never follows through with his word, contacts my daughter to see how our grandmother is until finally she told him "you need to contact mom, shes the one who deals with her daily" he was not happy. He texted me as told me just keep him updated on her..please, my word call her! My cousins....psht...they cant be bothered to contact my grandmother at all. Ive tried, but "they are doing their own thing" She asks me all the time about them and why dont they call at least. I dont know, selfish waiting to see what they get? Who knows. So I just tell her they are probably busy and will call her soon. I dont like lying to her, but it makes her feel better.

So yes, its very common for one person to take on the task of elderly why the rest sit back and watch from a distance.
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Reply to tonyat6183
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Realize that every family member is different. Each can provide different types of help: finances, hands-on care, taking care of home or supplies,,, There is no law mandating that family take care of a senior. So, ask your family members what each is capable and willing to do - and lean into whatever their agreement was. Realize that life situations change and a well-meaning offer for help may be rescinded.
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Reply to Taarna
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All . The . Time . At some point in the last 6 years I just stopped asking. I have one brother who will come to help my husband out if I need to go out of town for a few days (from 2 states away). The other brother won’t come at all because he doesn’t like to leave his cat alone for the day. Crazy, I know but you can’t make this stuff up. My sister lives in the town next to me and used to come and pick my mom and dad up once a week and bring them for lunch. That ended about a year before my dad died in May 2018. He was “too hard for her to deal with” but somehow it wasn’t too hard for me 24/7. She and my cat brother visited for 15 minutes during my dads last 3 months. That was the day before he died and they couldn’t leave fast enough. Since then those two siblings combined may have seen my mom 5 times and my other brother has come and stayed with us multiple times, just to help out. He calls to check in on my mom 4 or 5 times a week even though he’s caring for his wife who is fighting cancer because he knows she can’t get out because of COVID.
They are either really great or they suck, there doesn’t seem like much in between.
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Reply to Seaglas415
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While my situation is not exactly the same, on two occasions after my mom was in the hospital for a long while and then in a nursing facility for a while, she went home. My sister-in-law was gung-ho on helping mom...maybe 2-3 days, then stopped coming around period. I don't want her help EVER if she can't help but more than 2-3 days period. My sister-in-law is very self serving.

I know this is not something you want to hear, but honestly, an assisted living facility is a really good option. After a fall last fall, mom ended up in the hospital for several weeks, then into a nursing facility for 20 days, then home for four days when I insisted that mom go back to the hospital. It was a good choice because mom was diagnosed with congestive heart failure during that visit. She did not have it five days before when she was in the nursing facility. Mom is 91.
I think mom was in the hospital for about a month, then she went into another nursing facility for the customary 20 days. From there we moved her into an Assisted Living Facility. It wasn't an easy decision, but turns out it was good. Good for mom, and good for the family. We can't visit mom's apartment, but we can visit in a freezing cold patio. They attempt to heat it, but it doesn't do much good, but at least we can visit.

Yes, there are family issues, and in the long run, I am prepared to not see my siblings after mom passes if it comes down to that. You need some time to yourself, for yourself. I see that money is limited, but there are a lot of options out there. There are VA benefits and Medicaid. My mom did not qualify for any benefits, but after my dad died 25+ years ago, she took out a long term care policy. Where it doesn't pay entirely for her long term care facility forever, it does cut the bill in half. What a blessing.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to Franh52
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My husband of almost 12 years has Alzheimers. We are in our 80's & I am his sole caregiver. I cannot leave him alone so this is 24/7. He has 2 daughters, one about 15 minutes from us but works 2 jobs, has a husband and young son so I can understand her not being able to help. The older girl has a small grandson she cares for a couple of days a week, just starting a business but has had time to go camping & spending a week on vacation. Has a time share so gets several weeks. She will come by, bring a lunch and spend about 3 hours with us. The youngest does try to come on a weekend to spend about 2-3 hours with us (neither makes this a weekly thing). I have a daughter, son and grandchildren and great grandchildren but do not get to spend much time with my family. I love my husband and am committed to care for him till death we depart. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and He gives me the strength, wisdom and peace that I need. I could not do this without Him. It seems much of the younger generation have very busy lives. God bless you. Look to Him for your help, He will never leave or forsake you.
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Reply to Jacilyn
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I have no siblings (my brother died a few years ago). I have 2 nieces who do not help. (i'll use your format) - Niece #1 lives her own life and rarely has any contact with us, one yr ago I called her from the ER to let her know my Mother had broken her hip, she hung up on me. Niece #2, I had a quarrel with her because she helped herself to my Mother's coat and did not return it. Thereafter, she blocked my phone #, we never heard from her again.
Shortly before this, I told Niece #1 that my Mother left everything to me in her will (which means Mom dumped everything on me to sort out!).
I'm very disappointed, I THOUGHT they cared about Mom, haven't seen them for 1 1/2 years.
This so-called family, there's not one thing we caregivers can do about it. We are alone and we have to seek help elsewhere, be it hiring people. Don't expect any help if they haven't already offered it now. There will always be excuses and they only want to live their lives and not have it taken up by family.
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Reply to Ann1963
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You are not alone. My kicker is my parents have sisters #2 and #3 as Caretakers, POA’s, etc in their Will. I was doing it because I am #4 and I love my parents dearly. I have a lot of medical issues myself so sometimes I get so worn out. I am luckily that they don’t require 24/7 care yet. My Mom’s Parkinson’s doctors has her on the right doses for Parkinson’s, right dose for her Dementia and right dose for her mood. My Dad has just been diagnosed with dementia. He has diabetes and his doctor told him he will have to control it with diet. Medicare this year will hardly pay for it. I have to all things medical and it’s a lot. Sister #1 leaves 4 hours away homeschools her granddaughters plus they only have one Jeep. These are her reason for not helping. Sister #2 lives 4 hours away works hard long hours and has a 17 year old going to school. She drives up one Saturday a month towards the first of the month and pays my parents bills and when time comes does their taxes. Sister #3 leaves behind my parents and now cooks for them, fixes things for them that breaks in the house. She only doing that because I wrote a letter to my sisters about it was legally not my job to be doing all that I am doing. Blah blah... they don’t realize how hard it is one one person. My shrink and therapist where about to admit me in a hospital to give me a break. I so did not want that! Caretaker is hard physically, mentally, and emotionally. I would just put my smile on for my parents and love them more because they always took care of me especially when I was a baby. Now it’s roll reversal. I won’t put my parents in a home if it kills me taking care of them. I made that promise to my Mom. I would try writing them an email like I did really helped me. Suddenly they became more appreciative of all that I do. Good luck! God Bless! Hang in there!
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Reply to ILovMyMom
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I’ve been there- exactly. My siblings were horrible. I had to stop looking at Facebook - my sister would say she couldn’t come help because of surgery and then post a photo of herself at a party that same day.

It sounds like Covid or no Covid, you could really use a break.

I took a 3 day weekend away and hired 24/7 care while I was gone. It was necessary for my well being.

That made a world of difference to me in every way and Mom was so happy to see me when I came back. We both needed the break.

The woman I hired was so wonderful, I used her occasionally, and continuously throughout the rest of Mom’s life. Mom loved her and so do I, to this day.

Even though Mom has passed away, this woman is like a sister to me then-and now.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
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Imho, yes. You are not alone. I had to do out of state caregiving and live with my mother. My sole brother said "I won't do it." Well, not okay then.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I can fully understand you situation. At this point you must do what is best for you, your family and your father. If you siblings will not help, take them out of the equation and you make the decision. If there is a sibling that does not agree with you tell them they can take the father. When I became the caretaker for my mother because I was the best fit at that time, I wrote the sibling a letter telling them if they did not agree with what I was doing, they could take her to live with them. I would be doing my best and giving up my life at that time. No one complained and they did help as much as they could. Remember you must take care of yourself!!
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Reply to Othomas
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I feel saddened by the number of responses you are getting all saying they are in the same boat. I am too. I didn't get offers of help from my sibling and when I asked for help they said "I would but I have to work" and of course, the covid thing.. that one has been their godsend of excuses.... I also have to work but that seems to be irrelevant. I wish we could just help each other, all of us that have answered this. If we all lived in the same town we could have such a community of support. It makes me so angry being in this situation, it makes me angry that so many other people are too.
Is there any way you could get your siblings to chip in for an at-home carer to stay so you could go on your holiday?
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Reply to FarFarAway
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I am so sorry that you had/have to go through this. If it's any consolation, you are NOT alone. My brother basically abandoned my mother in her time of need. He promised to be with her in the hospital (hospice) every other night and did not stay even ONE night. I stayed with her day and night for 13 solid days/nights. I was the one who heard her scream in pain, watched her suffer tremendously; not him. He would stop by on occasion and sigh and say how terrible it was and leave!

YOU are doing the right thing and try not to worry about your siblings. You will NEVER regret what you are doing for your father nor will your father. Isn't that what matters the most?

Bless you for all you are doing. YOU are a great person and have a heart of gold.
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Reply to Billiegoat
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tgengine Apr 1, 2021
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I went through a similar situation when my parents both were sick, and living their last months out.
Im the youngest, there were 5 older siblings that didn't do nearly half of the things I did, and spent almost no time helping out until the very last few days of my parents lives.
I was angry about this when it happened, but since then, most of my family has passed away, leaving me with one sister that I also almost lost due to an exploding brain aneurysm that left her in the ICU for months, and permanently affected thereafter.
Just after that, my brother died in the ICU (52 year old) because of a drinking problem.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is if I could go back in time, I'd rethink the situation, and calmly figure out how to gracefully/peacefully take care of my dad, with or without my siblings help, knowing it's hard, but it's the right thing to do, and also understanding that my siblings may also have deeper life issues that make it hard for them to do it (you can agree it's not easy) and I would be patient hoping that eventually the situation will change and they will be able to do more to help. Most importantly, I learned that they could ALL be gone some day, and when if you find yourself alone like I have, you'll likely wish for them all to be back, quirks and all, help or no help..........I hope things get better for you. Do your best, and be patient.
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Reply to Nevertoheal
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ACaringDaughter Feb 28, 2021
Never to heal,

You sound very healed (despite your name) and wise.
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Forget those deadbeat siblings. Not worth the time or effort to deal with them. Burnout ? Got your Covid shots ? Then I suggest home care for a few hours or respite care for a good weekend trip or longer. In this way you and your beloved can take a break and recharge.

Why do I say this? I am also in the boat of FT care to my Mom who is mid stage Alzheimer's. Mom has three other children who do not care. I have accepted this and moved on. We are currently awaiting the vaccine. Once it is safe I am going to take a good long well deserved trip in order to recover from living as hermits during the pandemic. Mom will be going to respite care. I see this will happen sometime late this year or next year. Once we are both vaccinated, I am getting home care so I can have time for myself to do what ever I want. Sounds selfish ? It is not. Even the Sisters of Charity of Mother Theresa take one day off a week to recover from their work. So in order to keep my sanity, and relationships and physical health, YES ! I will be getting help so I can continue to give my Mom a decent and a life of dignity which she and we all deserve.

God bless you and your wife for all that you do.
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Reply to Cecimerce
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You've got a ton of answers but I'll note something that others haven't mentioned. I first took care of my Grandparents who each had Alzheimer's 6 years each, so that's 12 years of Caregiving. I've been a partial caregiver for my Mom for 25 years, but full time for the last 10 years, especially since her stroke 3 years ago. I just moved her into a Sr. Independent Living facility and hoping that she has enough money to make it until life end. I still help with medications, bathing, all bills and appointments.

There are 4 other siblings, here's what I finally figured out worked best.

I would send the laundry list of everything going on in a month and then put DATES of appointments or times/vacations I need siblings to do or take Mom. I would also note that if for some reason they could not take her at the last minute, it would be their responsibility to re-schedule her or find her caregiving.
As expected, there would be silence on the text for awhile, until finally someone would cave in and say they would take that appointment.
If your Mom is like most Senior citizens, their finances are very limited, so in-home care is difficult. However, make her Doctor declare them unfit to live without ADL services and Medicare will pay for it. You can get assistance with bathing, medication, feeding, dressing, etc.
Finally, it it gets to you not being able to go on a break for vacation or sanity, then you may have to consider putting your LO in Assisted Living, if Medicare won't pay for in-home 24 hour care for a week or so.
This is such a hard dilema because if everyone is honest, there is not one of us who would prefer to go into a Nursing Home, well because I've seen a lot of them and most of them are terrible places for the elderly, especially for those who have Alzheimer's or Dementia. So, we hate to think about putting our LO in a place we wouldn't even want to go.
I suggest putting the dates up that you need assistance. If no one steps up, you will have to decide if you will continue to take on the full burden or place them where they can get care.
My prayers to you and your family.
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Reply to lindberg62
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It took years of agony for me to realize that the conversation should not have been about my siblings at all.

The truth is that we place entirely too much importance on what others think and not nearly enough on what matters the most in our own lives.

Focus solely on making arrangements for the proper care of your loved one that doesn’t include direct care from any family members including yourself.

One step at a time, one day at a time, things will fall into place.

Once you step away you will breathe more freely and be proud of what you have accomplished in spite of any bumps in the road.

It’s normal to grieve for what could have been. You’re entitled to those feelings.

Perhaps this all seems easier said then done. I know how hard it is. Difficult challenges are resolved everyday by people all over the world.

You have taken the first step by reaching out. Stay focused, trust your instincts and move forward in your life.

If you need help, don’t hesitate to speak to an outside objective individual such as a therapist or another caregiver who has let go of the primary responsibility in caregiving. They can help lead the way.

Speaking to others will help you gain a proper perspective and receive new insight.

Best wishes to you and your family. There is peace after the mayhem.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Thank you, it is a sorry state that many are in the same situation. Thank you for all the positive ideas and encouragement. My sibling called the other day when dad had a tax problem, she does his taxes and he got a letter saying he won't be getting his $2,000 return back due to problems before. So she says I have to deal with it because she works full time (retiring soon). I asked her and I don't? I run my own business, I guess since I work from home it doesn't count..... So now I have to write letters etc.... It will have to wait until I get mine done. Why is it when it is easy they can do it but when it's hard I have to.
Dad got his first shot and now he wants to go places. That is going to be a problem. He went to church for the first time in a year. I dropped him off, his friend brought him back after they went to lunch, It's fine I just don't like her for a myriad of reasons. I got home and she was in my house helping him bring flowers in, a quick beep on my horn to let her know she was blocking my way in my driveway to leave. I guess he thought I wasn't home time to sneak her into the house. NOPE!
I did tell my sibling we are going on vacation for the month and she will need to take dad.... nothing. She will be retired so she has no excuse but I am sure she will come up with one. My backup plan is if she doesn't take him then SHE has to tell him which NH he will be going to while I am away.
My other sibling supposedly has some medical issues but he is a waste. He called my father the other day but was incoherent. Oh well, you reap what you sow.
It is just hard, he is somewhat able. When he wanted to go to church yesterday he was up 2 hours early, dressed down the stairs, and waiting in the driveway for me to take him to church. If someone comes to pick him up he takes his time to get ready but when he wants to do something he is Johnny lighting.
It's just frustrating. Thank you for all the positives. I cant call 911 because I am (Fire/EMS), I can't put him in a home with no money and I cant mentally do that yet. Trying to make my home more handicap accessible is hard. I am just in a bad situation I got myself into. I understand someday I will look back and say I did the right thing it's just now I am in a place with no help.
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Reply to tgengine
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Tgengine,

I am so sorry that you are in this position.

Let me tell you, our siblings don’t have a clue what it’s like unless they do it themselves.

I took care of my parents. Daddy died in 2002. Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005 and mom moved in with me. I had her for 15 years in my home!

It’s extremely difficult to be a primary caregiver.

Long story short, I burned out. My brothers didn’t help either and sadly mom expected me as her only daughter to do it all!

Well, after mom stirred the pot for so long and I heard nothing but criticism and spending many hours on this forum and lots of additional time at my therapist’s office, I finally threw in the towel.

My brother and sister in law stepped up and took mom in until she needed hospice placement. Hospice is doing a wonderful job caring for her.

I got the shock of my life when my brother apologized to me. He saw first hand how hard it is. By the way, so did his wife. She helped him care for mom.

It’s a common issue and I really feel that one person can’t do it all without becoming emotionally and physically exhausted!

If placement is feasible, it truly is the best option for everyone that is involved, including the parent. My mom has settled into hospice beautifully.

I am so grateful that her hospice house is there for mom and our family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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