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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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You can get a Trained Medical Assistant to go to the house daily and administer medications. Your parents can not manage this on their own. And you can not manage it by phone.
You alternatives: It may be time for your parents to move to assisted living or a skilled nursing care home. If they insist on living in their home until they die, and you want to allow them this choice, then you will eventually have to let go control of everything they do, like mis-managing the meds. Short of you moving in with them, or hiring full time caregivers in their home, you can not continue to try and manage their full time care. They may skip medications, they may take too many, they could fall and break a hip, they could leave the stove on and create a fire hazard, they could forget bathing and personal hygiene, I could go on listing unsafe scenarios. You can not continue to try and manage this without being there 24/7. You either just allow them to live their own way, or move them to a care home.
I understand. My mom's pills were all over the place. On the floor, on tables, in her pockets. I arranged them in weekly pill trays and she botched that up also. She'd cherry-pick the pills she wanted to take, based on her delusional thoughts about being poisoned. She had to go into assisted living with a medication technician in charge of her pills. (This was not an easy transition. It took a long time and we argued.)
During that time, I had to adopt a new way of thinking. What was the worst that could happen? She would miss a blood pressure pill or double up on something and get dizzy and fall. It happens. Elderly people, especially those with cognitive problems, find all kinds of ways to die. We can't be there inside their skin to catch every mistake or prevent every fall. Now my mom is in memory care, and in spite of the med tech giving her the correct pills, she's still having strokes and she will still die one of these days. So I guess what I'm clumsily trying to say is, don't give yourself a headache over your parents' pills while you sort out a new arrangement for their future care. They may not cooperate with you. They might make a mess of things. It's okay. These are their declining years and there's not much you can do to get control of it.
I recently found a pharmacy that will pre package my Moms Rxs. They are delivered to her house once a month. They some in rows of a week. each row has several sections for morning, afternoon, bedtime etc . So all of her morning pills are in the little bubble marked morning . Each little bubble (blister pack) has her name, the day,date, and name of meds that’s in that particular bubble. I know that sounds confusing but it’s soooo much easier than filling pill reminder boxes! The pharmacy does that for you. and it’s the same price! I wish I could show you a pic to make it easier to see. Google prepackaged meds. it will make it a little easier I hope. God bless
Depending on how good your parents were, makes a difference. If they were great vs. terrible, impacts everything. I really hate how some people are so quick to give up caring about their parents when they get older and have health issues. If they did not care for their kids and were neglectful, then I get just living your life, BUT if you had good, loving, dedicated, parents, then it is a real shame when people get selfish and don’t feel the need to help their parents to the best of their ability. Family should love and take care of each other, but I do realize that there are some very dysfunctional families out there. only you can decide if doing your best for them is worth it. Best of luck to you! 🍀
TinaMarie, it sounds as if your dad is getting frustrated and angry because he needs to be reminded and, as you are the one doing it, you are the one getting the brunt of his temper. This irritability may or may not be due to dementia - my stepdad gets like that and he doesn't have dementia. I get like it to a lesser extent when I'm struggling with depression. Most people I've known with dementia also get like that.
Whatever the reason, your parents are no longer capable, therefore they need more help, and you can't provide that hands on and still live your own life. Take the advice given here to do whatever you can to get daily care or residential care for your parents (not out of your own pocket - you will need money for your own old age). It probably won't be easy, given your dad's temperament, but don't feel bad for doing what's in your parents' best interests. Wishing you all the best.
Stop helping your parents with your thankless work to concentrate with your life.
You mentioned dementia in your profile. Has one or both been diagnosed by their doctor? Then one or both of your parents cannot safely live unsupervised at home anymore and require professional memory care either at home or, preferably, in a facility.
If either refuse help, leave them alone and contact APS as unsafe living alone situation. Then the next thing that may happen is admission to an ER and forced home care or facility placement.
My son purchased a pill dispenser on Amazon that plays an alarm at set time in morning and fills slot with that days meds. Very helpful- no more missed meds or over medication . Allows me to take correct meds, be notified when time to take daily and not overmedicate due to memory loss.
Yes! After a year of trying different strategies, (ie filling the pillbox for the week, adding reminders through an app, and employing someone to come in twice daily just for that), it wasn’t sustainable. And to address the issue of drs overprescribing, she must have these meds to function). We moved mom into assisted living as a result of the struggle with that as well as cognitive decline and nutrition problems. Things are not perfect but have definitely improved! Best of luck- none of theses scenarios are easy.
Your additional information below strongly indicates your parents need more care than you can reasonably provide. This is no longer doable by just you, and dad’s unreasonableness is definitely a sign of cognitive decline. Instead of you trying harder to be the solution and running yourself into exhaustion, time to be honest with them. They need to either bring in a helper or move to where help is available. If they refuse, that’s on them, not you, and doesn’t mean you continue to do this. They need to see their need for more help than you
When they get to the point where they can no longer manage medications, they need daily managed care 24/7. It's pointless to call them lazy or to insist they could do it if they'd pay attention to your instructions. They can't. I mean, really really really cannot. That's why they "lie" and tell you they've taken them or that you're not helping enough or whatever. They may even believe they took them like they said they did.
Being unable to manage their meds is a sure sign that they need more help than you can give.
When they still lived in their house, I had to go over every week to fill my mom and dad's pill minders because they couldn't get things straight--understandably so since Mom had 10 or so rx at the time. Or they'd knock the pill minder or a bottle over and pills spilled all over the floor.
As is so often said on AC, one of the main reasons for someone going into in-facility care, ALF, etc. is this things about the medications. Unless you are living with someone with dementia, there's little way, even in the earliest stages, to insure that crucial medications are given. I am one, as an old retired RN to think that we give way too many medications, but in some instances they are crucial (diabetes, et al). Never really have found an answer other than someone else controlling the meds. And that's problematic in itself.
What's the issue: them remembering to take them, or them refusing to take them?
If it is them remembering to take them, this is a very common problem but is really only managed through human oversight. If they are forgetting this, they are forgetting other things. My MIL was forgetting to eat. She had to go to AL.
If they are refusing to take them, you may need to employ therapeutic fibs, or mix it in with other foods to hide it.
the issue is that I am going over there 3 times a week, while also filling up mom and dads separate pill caddies for the week. To me, I couldn’t make it any easier for them. My mom wants nothing to do with getting the pill caddy and taking them herself, so she relies on my dad to give them to her when I am not there. When I call the 3 times a day to remind dad to take his and give mom hers, he gets super angry with me and says things like “her and them effen pills already!” I tell him exactly what day to take them from and whether it’s the morning, noon or night slots. Also, if I have been away for just a couple days or so, when I go back to look at the pill caddy, I find that it’s all messed up and I can tell he was lying to me over the phone telling me he’s taken them and given them to her. Then I get even more frustrated. Dad has not been diagnosed with dementia, but still has some age related decline. It’s like he’s too lazy, or don’t want to be bothered with taking their pills the right way. I’m tired of the fight. If I don’t arrange their pill caddies, nobody else will do it. These are crucial meds like their Eliquis and BP meds. If I don’t get them to take them by either being there physically, which I am three times a week, or calling and reminding them, they wouldn’t care to take them at all.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You alternatives: It may be time for your parents to move to assisted living or a skilled nursing care home.
If they insist on living in their home until they die, and you want to allow them this choice, then you will eventually have to let go control of everything they do, like mis-managing the meds. Short of you moving in with them, or hiring full time caregivers in their home, you can not continue to try and manage their full time care. They may skip medications, they may take too many, they could fall and break a hip, they could leave the stove on and create a fire hazard, they could forget bathing and personal hygiene, I could go on listing unsafe scenarios. You can not continue to try and manage this without being there 24/7. You either just allow them to live their own way, or move them to a care home.
During that time, I had to adopt a new way of thinking. What was the worst that could happen? She would miss a blood pressure pill or double up on something and get dizzy and fall. It happens. Elderly people, especially those with cognitive problems, find all kinds of ways to die. We can't be there inside their skin to catch every mistake or prevent every fall. Now my mom is in memory care, and in spite of the med tech giving her the correct pills, she's still having strokes and she will still die one of these days. So I guess what I'm clumsily trying to say is, don't give yourself a headache over your parents' pills while you sort out a new arrangement for their future care. They may not cooperate with you. They might make a mess of things. It's okay. These are their declining years and there's not much you can do to get control of it.
I really hate how some people are so quick to give up caring about their parents when they get older and have health issues. If they did not care for their kids and were neglectful, then I get just living your life, BUT if you had good, loving, dedicated, parents, then it is a real shame when people get selfish and don’t feel the need to help their parents to the best of their ability. Family should love and take care of each other, but I do realize that there are some very dysfunctional families out there.
only you can decide if doing your best for them is worth it. Best of luck to you! 🍀
Or the parents will not allow their children to help at all?
This irritability may or may not be due to dementia - my stepdad gets like that and he doesn't have dementia. I get like it to a lesser extent when I'm struggling with depression. Most people I've known with dementia also get like that.
Whatever the reason, your parents are no longer capable, therefore they need more help, and you can't provide that hands on and still live your own life. Take the advice given here to do whatever you can to get daily care or residential care for your parents (not out of your own pocket - you will need money for your own old age).
It probably won't be easy, given your dad's temperament, but don't feel bad for doing what's in your parents' best interests.
Wishing you all the best.
You mentioned dementia in your profile. Has one or both been diagnosed by their doctor? Then one or both of your parents cannot safely live unsupervised at home anymore and require professional memory care either at home or, preferably, in a facility.
If either refuse help, leave them alone and contact APS as unsafe living alone situation. Then the next thing that may happen is admission to an ER and forced home care or facility placement.
We moved mom into assisted living as a result of the struggle with that as well as cognitive decline and nutrition problems. Things are not perfect but have definitely improved!
Best of luck- none of theses scenarios are easy.
Being unable to manage their meds is a sure sign that they need more help than you can give.
If it is them remembering to take them, this is a very common problem but is really only managed through human oversight. If they are forgetting this, they are forgetting other things. My MIL was forgetting to eat. She had to go to AL.
If they are refusing to take them, you may need to employ therapeutic fibs, or mix it in with other foods to hide it.
More information would be helpful for context.
the issue is that I am going over there 3 times a week, while also filling up mom and dads separate pill caddies for the week. To me, I couldn’t make it any easier for them. My mom wants nothing to do with getting the pill caddy and taking them herself, so she relies on my dad to give them to her when I am not there. When I call the 3 times a day to remind dad to take his and give mom hers, he gets super angry with me and says things like “her and them effen pills already!” I tell him exactly what day to take them from and whether it’s the morning, noon or night slots. Also, if I have been away for just a couple days or so, when I go back to look at the pill caddy, I find that it’s all messed up and I can tell he was lying to me over the phone telling me he’s taken them and given them to her. Then I get even more frustrated. Dad has not been diagnosed with dementia, but still has some age related decline. It’s like he’s too lazy, or don’t want to be bothered with taking their pills the right way. I’m tired of the fight. If I don’t arrange their pill caddies, nobody else will do it. These are crucial meds like their Eliquis and BP meds. If I don’t get them to take them by either being there physically, which I am three times a week, or calling and reminding them, they wouldn’t care to take them at all.