I made the decision to put mom in a nursing home and of course I have to deal with the guilt of not being able to and not wanting to care for her directly. But she was going to kill herself or I was going to die of stress and high blood preassure. I'm not sorry she is in the home. I think she is being taken care of better than at home. She has help and attention around the clock. I keep in touch with the home and visit her as often as I can. she has been there only 3 weeks, but 1 was spent in the hospital. And my sister and I always go and help her eat and bathe. But I was there alone with her today. I am so sad. Mom used to be such a strong, hard-headed woman, and now I see her as a frail old woman. It seems as if she is just waiting to die. Her pain is constant. Her mind is failing. I feel sadder for her life then her approaching death. I feel she never lived the life she wanted. She lived the life that was expected. She never studied, she never traveled, she never gave herself the chance and the permission to be truly happy. I think she was always looking for someone to saver her, or perhaps love her unconditionally. I wish I could turn back time for her and giver her the courage to be the woman she wanted to be. Though I was very angry before I put her in the home, in a way I am sorry she is not here with me. She was so stubborn; she never did was she was supposed to for her health. She didn't take her meds, she ate awfully, and was quite a mess with her persona. But I miss my mom. I feel she is leaving us and I don't know what to do. I am angry at life. I am angry at the human condition. I am no longer angry at my mother, or father. I just wish it had all been different for them and for us, their children. I cried for my childhood for so long and worked through all that pain. And now this pain is as strong as that, as sad as that, but I can't do anything about this pain. I can't work through this because I can't make it better for her. I made my life better despite all the pain of my early years. What do I do about a life that was never given the chance to happen? We cleaned out her room today; I know she isn't coming back and it is easier now then when it really has to be done. I guess I am sad that I was never closer to my mom; we are so different. I hope that what I feel and what I try to do for her makes a difference in her life at least now. Even if she doesn't know it.