Should discussions with her doctor be in her presence?

Im new at this but I have had better experience speaking with the doctor separate. Make sure before you go in that the doctor gets the message and then there will be less chance of altercations during her appointment. I have experienced it both ways and it is not fun when the doctor talks about mom in front of mom.

I agree with drooney... If you're talking about her and not with her, she may feel left out and suspicious. My mom is always in the room when the doc and I talk and most of the time mom gives wrong info. So I have to give my impressions which, ultimately, helps the doctor to know how to steer treatment. Sometimes the doc needs to see what's happening. It can help. Hope everything works out!

Nothing wrong with a phone consult, prior to the actual meeting with mom, especially under the circumstances.

You can fax a letter to the doctor explaining everything before you go to her appt. This will give him your perspective and her symptoms. Simply call the office and let them know you are doing tbat and to please have the dr review it before you come in. I have done this with my mom and it allowed him to evaluate her without me spilling the beans in her presence!

I am new to this also...but it was better for us to consult without Mom in the room. We could ask questions without having to censor them.. I think we found out more about what was happening & what to expect.

Having gone through this several times with my mom with moderate dementia, I have found quietly requesting audience with the doctor prior to his/her exam helps a great deal. Before adopting this method they would ask her all the questions, she would give answers that fit her reality and I was shaking my head and making faces out of sight indicating that she was incorrect. Plus when the Dr asked me touchy questions I was unable to answer openly because it contradicted mom. Mom and I don't discuss her deficiencies much because it upsets her and often she doesn't remember from one moment to the next what is really going on. So I would urge you to press the importance of discussing the purpose of the visit and summarize your mom's state of cognitive capability so that the Dr can better grasp the whole picture and make better diagnosis and do what's best for her.

She still needs to be included in discussions about her health! Other wise she may feel angry and disrespected!

Thiss is hard. I know Mom doesn't like it when I want to talk alone. But, there r times u need to ask questions you don't want them to hear.
Is ur wife on meds because of ur daughters death? If so, maybe that is the cause or any new med. Do u go to a neurologist? If not he will do tests of his own. Your wife is so young.
In my Moms case, she has a problem processing. The doctor keeps talking and she is still trying to understand the first word. We walk out of the doctors office without her understanding or miss interpreting half of what he says. Its always " thats not what he said Mom". Throw in hearing loss....

I have asked, when she is in the hospital, that doctors and nurses not speak with her but to me. They just confuse her.

Your doctor should sit right in front of ur wife and explain to her what is going on and put the word Dementia in there. He should explain what she will see and hear that she shouldn't worry about. Some of her anger may be because she doesn't know what is going on. I know, short term, thats when u can say "remember what the doctor said..."

NJ Cinderella, I would get at least a Medical POA for both your parents. There may come a time when they are not able to "put you on the list". At that time, doctors and nurses are under no obligation to talk to you about their care. This goes for a spouse too. And a Financial one is good because who is going to pay their bills and just being on the account doesn't count in certain situations. I just had to cash in a CD of Mom's and the bank wanted the POA.

Yes this is a touchy thing. Since moms doctor knows she has alzheimers, he still directs his questions, etc, to her and if shes unable to answer, she will usually look to me to answer. However there are times when she doesnt answer correctly and usually i speak up in a kind tone with the correction. I always fax a letter ahead of time if there are specific things...like new symptoms....that i need him to be aware of without speaking about it in front of her. She tries very hard to seem completely fine in front of the doctor and she does a pretty good job for now...which is why its important for me to let him know what im seeing. She does not accept that she has alzheimers...she says its just 'hardening of the arteries', which is what most all dementia was attributed to back in the day. In fact, she gets quite irritated when i explained to her that the dr said thats why her memory had declined. I dont bring it up and dont argue with her about it. But doctors need to know how the patient is truly doing and they arent able to know that at the earlier stages without someone who is with the patient a lot. Mom doesnt even realize how bad she is....only that her mind is 'not quite right' as she puts it. So for most, theres no other way to keep the dr informed about symptoms/concerns without communicating outside of the patient appts. I dont feel its disrespectful...if mom was able and willing to know/tell the dr what he needs to know, i would gladly leave it to her.