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My father has never allowed anyone access to all of his money because of his spending problems. He says the smallest mention of his health makes him depressed and he is refused to talk about it. He has also had a recent stroke and has heart problems. I don't want to wait to have this discussion. I live 6 hours away so it takes some planning to have the conversations one on one. Help please

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I agree, a lot of times getting a man involved is just the the thing. It's a generation thing, nothing personal.
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I do like eyerishlass's approach but just want to share my experience . When I approach my Dad with -"we just want to help" he gets mad. He thinks I am saying that he cannot do it himself. He says things like -"I may be 80 but I am not some old fool".

I finally figured out it that if my husband asks he is much more receptive. He loves my husband . So does my Mom. They love him soooo much it makes me mad! Before all the illness I once accused them of loving him more than me and they very feebly denied it!!! Actually it is great that they love him, I am glad. But it is to the point that my sister's husband has dreams where my parents are doting on my husband and then throwing batteries at him-seriously he said he dreamt that!)
With Dad I think he is just old fashioned. He trusts a man more. When we visit my husband stays up after I go to bed with our daughter and they have Manhattens on the patio and they talk like they are best friends. This is unusal as my Dad is usually very taciturn. Soooo-I am using this. I have my husband sneak in concerns of ours while they are talking. My Dad just loves to talk and talk to my husband about his days working and traveling. He has many many great stories ( too bad I hear most of them second hand). My husband really enjoys them. When there is a lull in the conversation that is when my husband will say things like. "Dad, you know your daughter. She is such a worrier. She just gets so worked up. She has it in her head that Mom should have a wheel chair"or whatever it is I am worried about. And sure enough Mom gets a wheel chair( one she has been asking for for awhile!!). When my Mom and I say she needs a wheel chair he refuses. But, my husband is in sales. And he is good. He knows how to sell an idea. And he truly does love my Dad and cares about him and my Mom. That comes across as well.

Just yesterday I had him call my Dad. I had been worrying myself sick about approaching the subject of me going to my Mom's neurology appointment. I just knew if I suggested it Dad would take it as he is not doing a good enough job and I want to check on him. ( and this is sorta true). I avoided talking to them all week because of this. Finally I told my husband how upset I was and he suggested that he call---doh!--- of course!!! Guess what?!?! Dad is thrilled!! He is so excited that I am going to take Mom and he can go on a mini trip-a two day trip-to get out. My husband is a genius!!! I don't know how he does it. I was going to say the exact same thing-"Dad , go on a trip I"ll take Mom to the doctor". But I just know he would have said I was crazy to even suggest such a thing.

ANYHOO- just thought I would share. I am so relieved and happy today that I get to FINALLY see my Mom's neurologist. Just try different tactics. Don't give up. Maybe I should rent out my husband as an advocate to care givers!!!! He can bring his own Manhattens and cigars and sell them on whatever it is the cagiver needs. Not a bad idea actually!!
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It is the mother or father's right to appoint whomever they want as a POA, if it isn't you, then so be it. There is no more to be done with it. Move on.
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I second the advice give above by Eyerishlass. Phrasing this in a way that says, "Dad, I want to help you protect yourself so no one can take advantage of you" seemed to help me have this conversation with my Dad. In addition, he was encouraged by an outsider before it even dawned on me to start planning.

Dad's stock broker suggested that we talk with a trust attorney. If you can find a good trust attorney and set up a meeting with your Father, then the person offering him options is a non-interested third party. An attorney costs a little bit, but I've found every penny has been worthwhile. When Dad started making bad decisions, the guidelines were all in place. This made decisions much easier, because they were outlined in the trust that HE had put in place. Also, I always keep money (an amount he can afford to lose) in an account (with an attached debit/ credit card) that Dad can access freely so he does not feel that he has to ask for permission to make purchases. One of the keys in our case was to always give choices and to allow Dad to keep as much freedom as he can afford.

As a side note, this freedom cost Dad several thousand dollars. There are many people with hard luck stories, relatives and strangers, who Dad "helped" with cash gifts ($75 - $300 at a time). My approach is not a complete lock down of his funds, but it means that someone can't get more money from him than he can afford to lose. I am more interested in protecting him from major losses while allowing him to have some autonomy.
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Tread lightly here. I don't know your father but I can tell you the mistakes I made. When my father became ill at the age of 80 and was hospitalized. I asked my brother if anyone had a financial or medical POA and if my parents could afford in home care or a nursing home or whatever should my mother not be able to help him. We had never had a family meeting, at least one I was invited to. Mom was always a big baby so I knew she would not be willing to help dad at home.

I was met with the surprise of my life. My brother knew what they had but I was not allowed to know. Mom lied to my brother and told him I wanted money from them and was not be trusted. That was funny since my husband and I were very well off financially.And we are very, very financially responsible. My brother passed along the little lie and for a while acted like he thought she was a bit goofy. Meanwhile, dad passed away.

Nothing was done for mom and she was 78 at the time. So I kept asking and telling her "Mom you really need to have a financial POA and a medical POA". She told me my brother was all of this and I suggested she put me on as an alternate in case my brother died. I didn't want to have to get guardianship if my brother should die.

She refused, and refused, and refused. Then the lies got bigger and nastier. And here we are over five years later. Mom just last August had the POA's done, and she never had one to start with and she wanted my nephew as alternate, not me her daughter. Now it is a point of being stubborn and not doing anything she doesn't want to do. And none of us are even talking to each other. There has been deep damage done that will never go away. If I could do it over, I would say nothing and if my brother dies, oh well, the state will run her affairs.

In the end we can only offer to help them. I do think some of our parents are mentally ill or have personality disorders. Know your father and ask yourself if it is worth it, will he think you are interested in his money or trying to control him.

I think in the end even the hardest cases come around unless, like my mother, they are mental unbalanced. Good luck to you.
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I had this talk about a year ago and I was prepared for a fight but surprisingly my mother accepted my proposal of doing a durable POA. I also set it up so I can view her bank account online. You may just find that he is ready and willing to accept the help. I'm not sure it would've been taken so well coming from another sibling but my mother trust me and that is very important. If you have another sibling that they trust more then perhaps pursue that route. I wish you luck.
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I have found the ol' "Let me help you" approach very effective. Instead of talking to dad and saying 'you should ________' or 'you have to______' phrase it differently, in a way that makes him feel cared for and in a way that allows him to keep control over his life.

"Dad, I would like you to let me do this for you."

"Dad, I think we share similar viewpoints on this. Let's discuss it."

"Dad, my first priority is to always make sure you are ok. What can I do for you in the future to make sure you are ok?"

I know these phrases sound simple and dumb but this really worked with my dad. As long as my dad was able to feel as if he still had control our discussions went better. And my dad thinking that HE was helping ME made it easier for him as well.

Good luck!
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As I am sure you know, for his and your protection this needs to be taken care of right away. You do not mention who is with or near your father living six hours away from you. If there are other family members where he lives a conversation with them first is in order, everyone needs to be on the same page and in agreement. When you get a plan and an agreement, you call dad first and let him know that you need to sit down with him and create a protection plan for him. He should be amenable if he sees it as in his best interest and for his welfare. Tell him you do not want his assets frozen should he ever be hospitalized or unable for any reason or whatever length of time to take care of his home, bills, care, tx, etc. You need to let him know that he needs an advocate, someone that will do for him what he would do for himself. He needs a will a medical, and financial power of attorney. You also need to talk to him about what his wishes are should he need assistance, what his preferences would be. It is important for him to realize this is for his best interests. Depressive would be the State making him a ward of the state, taking over his assets and making these decisions for him, this way he has control through you or whomever he chooses and trusts. It is a legal device or tool for his benefit, you can explain to him that his attorney can draw this up for him and he can put any restrictions and triggers for it to go into effect. He has the control, you can help yourself and him then.
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