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My husband has 10 sibling, of those relatives, only is Mentally Ill, schizophrenic and has the IQ of a 10 year old. he is a ward of the state. The parents are both deceased and now siblings take turns looking after him ( visiting, taking him out and trying to spend tim with him) However , I have been married since 1995. the family members would take turns intermittently to bring out the brother , we will call him Samson. So he would come to someone house, spend the night for the entire weekend. But he needed assistance being 6"4 246 pounds, to take showers, going to the bathroom, brushing teeth, putting on shoes with laces and getting dressed. It has gotten to the point where as he is violent with the family, yelling and stating that he will not return to his site, He hears voices in his head and wants to do harm to himself and or people. I have gotten to the point that I dont want to bring him to my house for an entire weekend, let alone a holiday weekend. But the additional 9 family members have either stopped picking him up completely , or they make it 2-3 times a year. My husband has had his brother in 2014 2013, 2012, 2011, and 2010( year of my brain surgery ). ,23 weekends including every holiday. I mean valentines, Mothers day, Good Friday, Easter, Veterans Day , Indenpendence day . I told him ( my husband ) that I am tired and feel neglected. Its costly, time consuming, and Im totally afraid that he could harm my children or me. my husband insist that becuase his family has forgotten about his brother, he will not turn his back on him. So even on Mothers day in 2014, My husband told me , you are not my mother, I am bringing over Samson, he deserves to be out with his family. I am so depressed about this, becuase I feel that my conerns and feelings are being put to the side. I no longer speak to his other siblings , becuase in 2010 of June, I had brain surgery to where my cerebellum ( lower part of my brain was falling into my spine). My surgery was in June. Then In Sept my husband was diagnosed with an brain tumor and needed immediate surgery. He had surgery in November. These Jerks continue to contact my husband after his surgery within weeks. To ask if Samson could come over and stay the holiday weekend for Christmas and New years. My husband said yes no problem. I ended up waiting on him hand and foot. I have since now stated, I will lift no fingr, no cooking of meals, no washing clothes, no driiving in my car to pick him up, nonthing. I am filing for divorce, becuase I should not have to be neglected for an in law who is disabled. He is so violent and mentally Ill, he is a ward of the state. I have tried talking to my spouse, laying out my concerns , and telling him what I wil no longer stand for. That our Marriage , Our children come first. that is it. He even got to the point to tell me , that If his brother could not come with us out on Vacation to Wisconsin Dells or Disney world that the whole trip would be canceled. I stood my ground last year and stated " just like you , I have money saved, good credit and I am going without you . I wil not be dealing with your brother and his outbursts and poor hygiene . His brothers soils himself, doesnt wash his hands, saying violent or disturning comments and stares at you with cold eyes that dont blink. Its frightening. My youngest son hates that he comes over and we actually leave the house becuase its so uncomfortable. I want my husband to stop putting his brother first whom is 49 years old. He needs to take care of his wife who has a Brain Disease that cause many issues. but he too still has a brain tumor that is getting worse. i am so tired of fighting, i think Divorce is the best way to say , " you need a wake up call , if you want to take care of your brother for the rest of your life , do it without me and our children. we are tired, we are done.

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It is just as "cruel and sinister" to hurt one's marriage and risk serious harm... which in my book is not at all intentionally evil, but just misguided and having blinders on. He needs to reframe what he is doing - the question is not do I do the right thing by my brother or not, but how do I support and stay in touch with my disabled brother, WITHOUT causing hurt and harm to everyone else in my life?

I remember one time, after I had just resolved to try to be more polite and compassionate. So instead of hanging up on a survey-taker who called during dinner time while having company, I talked to them while my family and guest were right there. Oops.
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Neglected25 - so sorry you were told to quit whining - so inappropriate! This forum and others for caretakers is not for attacking, judging or other such things. Most of us do not handle things in that way. I am sorry for what you are going through. I have no experience in this field and don't have suggestions for you but I can't tolerate such comments and wanted to tell you how sorry I am that someone said that to you. I'm sure that is not what you expected when you reached out for input and assistance. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide!
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I was thinking about this along the line of what freqflyer said. I'm wondering if Sampson even cares if he comes out for the weekend or even if he might feel unsafe leaving his home and maybe that contributes to his acting out. I would imagine that people who live in a facility probably get to feel comfortable and safe there and might feel less safe with people they don't see as often. I realize this is about you, Neglected, and not about Sampson (and no I don't think you're whining either), but if he isn't even benefitting from these visits with your family, it seems pointless to put you and your children through the stress and difficulty that his visits cause your family. He obviously doesn't love you or miss you - you say he stares with cold eyes and makes nasty threatening remarks. What makes your husband think he's doing his brother any good with these visits? I would try to approach it that way.
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Neglected, I wonder how much does Samson even remembers of the visits... chances are he remembers very little but the whole family remembers every detail.

I can understand the bond your hubby has with his brother since the brother never had a normal childhood or adulthood but there comes a time when one has to stop trying to be Superman and stand back to see the whole picture. I bet if this issue was happening to a co-worker and not to your husband, he would probably think differently. The fact that a child is afraid of his uncle should be a wake-up call.
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Neglected, sit down with a lawyer and seek an order of protection to keep this individual away from you and your children. That is not unreasonable. If hubby won't listen to you, the Judge will sort it out.
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I wonder who is liable if BIL does physical harm to another individual while out in public with you? I'd be concerned, especially since it's been noted that the "voices" are telling him to harm others. If he did hurt one of the kids, would you and DH be responsible for child endangerment and lose custody because you knowingly allowed them to be in a potentially dangerous situation? Get where I am going? ;-) Might want to think this angle through. Good, luck, and no you are not whining. Marriage vows say "let no man come between" for a reason. No stable union, not much use to rest of family, right? Hang in there!
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You're absolutely not whining, I completely feel for you. What do the other members of your husband's family have to say for themselves? - because you're right, they should be participating and it's a crying shame that it has all fallen to your husband. What kind of terms are you on with them? Do you regularly keep in touch?
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This are the facts, since the parents remained gus sole caretakers, but they placed him in a home when he was a teen. The parents are both deceased. The siblings took on a meeting and said we have to pitch in more with looking after Samson and getting him out more. But it has mit worked out that way. My husband feels that it us cruel and sinister not to help his brother as much as possible. That as a good oerson, catholic, christian, etc, you have to help the less fortunate. There is nonthing more that i am leaving out Veronica 91. The marriage is suffering because he feels he has to step in for his brother, when the other siblings have completed stopped participating. I just wanted to hear other feedback because i hear more sbout elderly, and not the mentally ill that stresses out family. Its a burden and with both of us having brain/neurological disease. The brother is no longer or should have ever been a priority. bit whining but merely reaching out for feedback.
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Stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and whining. Take matters into your own hands. You can talk to the social worker at BIL's facility and fill him/her in on what goes on during BIL's visits and your fears and concerns. they may have no idea what he is like when he is away from the supervision of the home. or as i said in a previous post he is so difficult to handle they may try every trick in the book to get him out as much as possible. He needs his medications reviewed and his current living conditions re assessed. A group home might not be the right place for him. If hubby is still unresponsive leave the home everytime BIL is visiting and let hubby handle everything alone. if there are problems other than this hubby could be using this to punish you. i still think there is more to this than you are disclosing so get some counciling and go from there, you need it anyway after all this and whatever is to come.
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although your husband is doing the best for his brother, it is you & the kids that are his top priority. the fault lies with him, not his brother. you have told him about the concerns due to his brothers violence, you are tired. angry, and also depressed.( h*ll i would be too) your`e health wont improve much living in this situation, neither will youre husband`s. he is acting like a spoilt child, stating if his brother cannot go on holiday with all of you, then it will be cancelled, what about his kids? you have laid the cards on the table yet still he ignores you, let him go it alone go away for a break with the kids, when you come back should he continue to ignore the concerns you have, then leave him, he could quite easy call the other 9 of the family telling them he has done more than enough instead of playing the martyr. staying in an unhappy home feeling neglected, that is no life for you or the kids, they shouldn`t have too listen to you both arguing. wishing you all the best.
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Maybe your marriage can be saved with a trial separation and counseling. Why on earth can you not visit brother where he lives, and not EVERY holiday for the whole holiday? Do you have ways to contact him with cards, letter, Skype? Find out what his caretakers feel about the visit schedule. His physician needs to know about the violent behaviors and the emergence or re-emergence of the hallucinations. He has a mental illness and needs to be in care, and letting him live in a care facility is not "abandoning" him. Some vacations might be suitable for him to come along, others not so much. A patient's family found that out the hard way as the behavioral needs of a sibling with autism completely ruined a Make-A-Wish trip, due to being unable to cope with the changes in routine, and the whole family ended up just staying in the hotel room the entire time and wishing they had never gone.

Your BIL did not wreck your marriage, per se; your husband's all-or-nothing approach did that or is about to.
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I have a sister in a group home and I found out the hard way, that taking her out for the weekend was a bad thing. She would not socialize with other residents, just obsess on the weekends. So I pulled back, now I just take her to lunch and back home. She is much happier, now she is centered on her house and goes on outings with her group. Somehow you have to convince hubby that is what is best for the brother, and that is what will improve brother's behavior.
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Neglected this is way way beyond the ability of this forum to do more than offer support for your situation.
First of all a man with these serious conditions should not be allowed out in the community where he appears to be a danger to others especially your family. His medications are probably being mismanaged. do you think these visits to your family are a way for the group home to so to speak pass the buck and relieve themselves of their responsibilities for all these vacations and holidays. If it is a small home having him away does lesson their staff load a great deal. He probably needs almost one on one care in his condition.
You have two choices, one is to walk away as you are considering, the other is to become more involved. By that I don't mean helping with care when BIL visits I mean becoming more involved with the supervision of BIL's care. Forgive me you don't know enough to actually question his management by the state in which you live so you need to involve others especially family members and professionals that oversee BIL's health. other siblings probably feel the same way as you do about overnight visits which is why they are no longer involved. they simply are not equiped to cope as you are not. They may however feel they can help with changing his treatment and possibly advocating for a higher level of care. There should be a psychiatrist and probably social worker supervising him as he is in state care. You could start by contacting the homes social worker and explain your concerns. he/she should immediately alert his physician that BIL's mental illness is not being adequately controled. At that point medication changes may need to be started and he should not be allowed outside visits till he is stabilized and able to behave calmly. I don't know if this would fall under the duties of the states ombudsman but it would not hurt to contact them You should also contact your states dept of health because this group home does not seem to be adequately caring for it's residents. Hubby may be prepared to do some of these things himself but if not you are perfectly within your rights to do so to protect the welfare of yourself and children. there may be other things like child protective services, the police , restraining orders etc. but with uncontolable behaviour in the home stop the visits NOW till this is sorted.
Divorce is another option and if there are other reasons to end your marriage sure go ahead and make a clean break. Again consider the effect on the children and your ability to function as a single mother having to work with your health issues. You mentioned that your husband's brain tumor is continuing to grow so consider who will care for him if he becomes unable to work. No work no child support whatever the law says. No health insurance either.
BIL is only part of the problem here and hubby may feel that his own health may be failing and wants to do as much as possible while he is still able. You will get a lot of support her from people here who really care and may have experience similar situations.
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No I don't think you are any less of those things, either. Caring for adults with mental health issues and learning disabilities is skilled and exacting work, not to be undertaken lightly and not to be imposed on anyone willy-nilly, either.

But I was thinking in terms of what reassurances there might be for your husband that could help him feel less wholly responsible for his brother's quality of life. When it's not you who's affected by this - as I'm not, for example - you can admire his 'he ain't heavy he's my brother' attitude.

It sounds as though your husband's determination to be his brother's champion has been entrenched over time partly by the rest of the family's abandoning him. He's fighting a last ditch battle to protect what is left of your BIL's human right to family life.

But your husband needs to appreciate two things. One, that carrying his brother should properly be shared by others too; and two, that this man is not *your* brother and you can't be expected to feel the same.

I do not blame you for seeing your BIL as the problem. He *is* the problem. But I think you would feel better about it, and make more headway, if you took a small step back for a moment and thought about your BIL in more objective terms. Fully grown men with learning disabilities and psychotic disorders are often not appealing company, I agree. I have to put my hand up and admit that you won't find me rushing round to the day centre to volunteer help [note to self: maybe I ought to do something about that]. But what seems to have crept into your thinking is just a hint of blaming your BIL for his condition, which would be understandable when he's having such a stressful impact on your life, but is Not Fair. He's no fun to be around, and I agree that he shouldn't be occupying such a large space in your family life, but he is a person who needs love, care and support; so that what your husband is doing for him is, in its way, admirable. The problem is that because everyone else has scarpered your husband has given up finding anyone else to share the load and is hell-bent on doing it all himself. And that's not admirable, that's daft.

It has to change. So. First of all: what level of involvement in BIL's life *would* you find manageable and acceptable? Because that's your first bargaining chip. Rather than going to your husband and saying "screw him, what about us" start by proposing whatever you think is proportionate - x visits per year, particular activities or events, that kind of thing. Then you're starting out with a positive.

First of all, though, you need allies and reinforcements. Do you have any kind of communication or relationship with the group home's professional staff? You may find they can be very useful to you: it's not in their interests to lose a regular visitor to strife and possible divorce, they'd be far better served by one who has the support of his wife and family. So next time you overhear your husband saying "sure no problem" you would be able to call them back and say "actually this IS a problem and we need to talk about it." Actively approach them for help. Next, the rest of the family. I assume that your husband is furiously, righteously angry with them, is he? Are there any of them that you get on with comparatively well?
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Hello Countrymouse, his brother is a ward of the state and resides in a group home. He has been in this hone since he was 15 years old, due to his violence and hygiene, overall mental state. He can also have home visits. But also i dont think that i am less of a human being, christian, woman, or person because i dont want to take care if his brother continually for the rest of my life. I am only 42 years old. However this has been going on for close to 20 years. It has gotten worse since our brain surgery. I have become fed up, distant, tired and have nightmares about his brother harming me.
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If you think divorce maybe the answer, pursue that route. i was thinking of that as I read your post, before I reached the point that you mentioned it.

The situation doesn't seem solvable or workable, and you can't be expected to deal with someone so physically and mentally compromised that it ruins your health and the welfare of your children, to whom you owe more than you owe to the brother.

Your husband has drawn a "line in the sand", so must you, and leave with your kids because the BIL isn't going to get any better. Perhaps your husband needs to experience what it's like to care for him w/o your assistance.

If Samson is a ward of the state, is he normally residing in some type of state placement or facility but gets weekends and holidays for visits? It's been quite awhile since I had any work experience with these types of arrangements, but I'm wondering if it isn't up to a doctor to certify and allow him home visits. If so, perhaps his doctor is the one who should be contacted to examine and/or adjust his medicines as well as determine if he really should be allowed home visits with your family.

I imagine your husband would object, but this sounds like a very volatile situation and you need to protect yourself and your children.
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Where does Samson live for most of the time?
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