Since my stepdad passed 3 years ago I have been driving my mother and sister to the grocery store, bank and doctor office. I haven't worked for 5 years because I have Major depression, PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety, constant back pain which limits my walking and standing and other issues.. My mother lives in her own home with my older sister who is developmentally disabled. My sister lacks common sense and has never married or driven a car. So my mom has taken care of my sister all of her life. They are a package deal. When there is a problem my mom tells my sister not to call me. My mother doesn't like that I arrange her pills in a weekly pill pack. I have had groceries delivered to my mom and sister and then I pay for it. I have my own groceries delivered to my house. My husband cooks dinner for both of us. Last night my mom went to the ER, this is not the first time but my sister called me at 3 AM to say mom had a nose bleed, clots, etc. The ambulance came and my mom picks her nose and it bleeds because she is on warfarin. I have my own doctor's appointments and then arrange my mother's appointments. My mother refused to go and look at an Assisted Living facility that would take both of them. My husband and I can no longer support my mom and sister. My mother has saved all her life and she has 5 times the amount of money that my husband and I have. I get so angry when my mom says she is broke. I do get very angry as my sister has money as well. She has worked as a sacker at a grocery store for years and has saved every penny and my mom and stepdad has always supported her. My sister understands money and is incredibly tight and so is my mom. They live a long way from me but they would rather I use my car, my gas. I go nowhere except to my doctor's appointments and my mothers. My mom's doctor believes she has early onset dementia but her doctor does not know my problems. I called her doctor today to tell her about mom and I missed their call. My mom needs someone to come to the house (which will cost money) or go into an Assisted Living. (more money). I've discussed this with her and mom said she wants to be with her things and the doctor is crazy. Should I call Adult Protective Services on my mom? Oh it hurts for my mom to walk. I just can't do this anymore. My doctor is changing my meds because they are not working any more. I thought my mom would move closer to me after my stepdad died and I should have known better. Any advice for me??

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
You say on here you can no longer support your mom & sis financially (which you are doing by paying for groceries, etc) Well, now say this to them- flat out you cannot, now they must pay their own way. Next tell them , you can no longer care for them due to your health issue and they will have to get professional care givers (and they pay for this as well) because you are disabled. Tough love called for here.
Helpful Answer (4)

deeannw1958, I searched and read other questions you had posted on the forum, especially the one back in April where you asked if the State could pay you for taking care of your Mom and your Sister.... yet your sister has in savings six figures... and your Mom also has in savings six figure. Of course, we all answered "no".

With your health issues, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT drive your Mom/Sister anywhere. Let them take a taxi and pay for it themselves, they can afford it. Here's a question... what would your Mom/Sister do if you were no longer around to help them? Yep, they would pay people to help them.

You mentioned you have two other siblings who aren't part of the team to help with caregiving. If they live near your Mom, they need to get involved. Sad that everyone is placing all this onto your shoulders, and you are paying for everything. Something is very wrong with this picture. Or did your siblings get caught up in this free ride/groceries/etc by your Mom/Sister and now want no part of it.
Helpful Answer (1)

"When there is a problem, my mom tells my sister not to call me".

That is how your mother wants it, so stop going over there, ever, and take care of your own mental health and finances.

You are too dysfunctional to go out and buy your own groceries (having your own groceries delivered), and cook your own dinner, placing the burden on your husband to take care of you. He could be writing his own desperate questions on three different threads himself.
No one here can truly help you if you keep opening new threads so that no one has the entire picture of your situation. You need to help yourself.
Take yourself to the store, cook your own meals because you have very little resources and stamina to be caring for the two peas in a pod-they are takers, imo.

Go back to your doctor, have him write it out for you on a prescription pad: Deeanna is too ill and disabled to take care of her mother and sister.

End of story. I have heard it said from others on the forum here, who were able to detach with love: "It is not my circus, and I am not their monkey".

You are so welcome, in advance, for the tough love and wake-up call!
Helpful Answer (3)

One thing I know for myself is that I should have set boundaries with my parents back when they first stopped driving many years ago.... I became their wheels and I eventually developed a hatred for driving.

What I should have done was say "no" to many of their requests. What I was doing was enabling my parents to continue to live in their single family home, and to continue living the life style they were accustomed to... while I had to change my own life. My parents could have easily afford to call a taxi, but they didn't want to ride with a stranger.... [sigh]. I repeated told my Dad I was getting panic attacks while driving but it fell on deaf ears. They needed me to drive them. So I did, but it backfired on me, now I can't drive at all due to the panic. Oh how I wish I could turn back time.

By limiting the enabling, then your Mom would have to take full responsibility for her decisions to remain in her home.

I cannot believe that your Mom won't pay for her own groceries, why do you think she does that? Was it because your Step-Dad paid for them so your Mom just isn't use to doing it herself? You should NOT be paying. Ask your Mom for her credit card so that you can order on-line her groceries because you cannot afford to keep paying for them without being reimbursed. And take a hard stance on that, don't budge.
Helpful Answer (1)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter