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Difficult to handle the daily roller coaster of Mom's dementia. One minute she thanks me for all I do, the next minute she says I never visit her a drink of nectar when I spend about 6 hours daily making sure she gets her drinks, some food, demand the aides do a brief change and/or offer bedpan every 2 hours, I clean her mouth and teeth almost every morning, play comforting music, calm her when she is in a "spell" of not responding for an hour or two. Then one day she has a great day, joking, eating a little, etc.

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i think its the unknown thats so unnerving. the only thing you can be sure of is things are going to get worse. thats a chilling thought.
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I don't know what your marriage is like, but if it's not so bad, try to give your husband a little more attention. Maybe cut the hours some days or alternate long days with her and days that you spend entirely with him. She needs your care, but you need a life and a husband.

I'm not trying to criticize, but to give you permission to "neglect" her a bit so you don't "neglect" him so much. You know what's best for your situation.
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My handling of the roller coaster is improving over time and with practice. The first big step (not yet completed if it ever can be) is to reduce the emotion by putting the blame on the disease and not blame my mother for all the verbal abuse and vitriol. Her gentle thank yous and other signs of appreciation in the good times make the hurt of the lash-outs that much more painful, so I can't let myself lean in to them too much either. It's an unfortunate and difficult disconnect that I am finding necessary in order to continue giving her care; I must remove most of the emotion for my own sanity's sake. JessieBelle is so right about enjoying the good and dodging the bad as best you can. And more importantly find coping strategies that protect your own psyche and well-being. Beware having the hubby spend too much time on the back burner; that relationship warrants its own cultivation and he will be here when she's gone. Wishing you well on your 'bumpy' ride.
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jeannegibbs and JessieBelle, thank you! Just needed a reminder from those who understand. I want to spend as much time as possible, usually only 5-6 hrs a day, with Mom. Hubby tries to be supportive but is getting impatient and short-tempered....actually we both are. My priority now is Mom, even though she is loving one minute and accusing the next. Thanks for your support and pep talk.
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Yes, the roller coaster is exhausting! Cherish every good day, every good hour, and save them up to remember when the bad times come.

I found it really helps to talk to other who understand. This is a great site for sharing experiences. I also found a local support group very, very helpful.
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The roller coaster is terrible. Sometimes my mother seems nearly normal, then she doesn't. It seems like it something was broken in the brain that it would be completely broken. The only explanation I have is confusion that can make things change from day to day or moment to moment. I really don't handle it at all. I just let it happen and try to smile at the good things and dodge the bad things. I've learned to expect and accept just about anything, and know I'm dealing with a mind that has been damaged. Still I do have a lot of anger and frustration when things happen that are totally unfair. I deal with those things the best way I can, like biting my pillow or shooting myself with my trusty finger-gun. As silly as it sounds, my finger-gun relieves a lot of stress without hurting anyone. (And no, I'm not suicidal, so no worries.)
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