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My father is 86 years old, fairly severe Alzheimer's. He remembers almost nothing, he is very agitated and even a little violent (screaming, striking, pinching caregivers) about 25% of the time. He has urinary incontinence while sleeping. Due to a broken hip last year he cannot walk.


Medicaid will pay for an aide 12 hours a day. I would like to pay the aide another $50 to stay overnight as well. There will of course need to be two different aides so that the primary aide has a day or two off each week.


I except the aide to keep my father safe, fed, clean, comfortable, etc while also being an excellent housekeeper who will keep the apartment spick and span. I don't want to hire a housekeeper on top of the aide since the aide will have a couple of hours of downtime daily when dad naps.


This is in Brooklyn, NY by the way.


Do you think this is reasonable? Will it be difficult to find the right people? Any advice?


Thank you!

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Trying, did you read the prior posts? Jacobstein was a fake; he admitted he wasn't who he claimed to be. Don't waste your time on this thread - it's a ploy to lure people into responding to fictitious claims.
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Jacobstein 1950, I truly understand your need to keep a close eye on the aides, I feel the same way. But, if you call and interrogate every two hours you are going to alienate and anger the aides and your parent will suffer from an unhappy aide or turnover. You might want to consider cameras, which will allow you to monitor on your cell phone how things are during the day or night with your parent. They have Granny-Cams and many other camera systems that are geared toward this kind of thing. The other thing is what you may consider spic and span may not be someone else's idea of cleanliness. The most aides are expected to do is light housekeeping and even that is subject to interpretation. My goal is cleanliness in the bathroom, the bed and no food left out or gunk in the kitchen. You may have to periodically clean the house yourself or hire someone every so often.
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Asked and answered.

Are you having trouble keeping an Internet connection?
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As a person needing in home health care, which will be paid for by the Veterans Administration, do I have the right to stipulate that I want a female helper who is height and weight proportionate, according to doctor charts, and who is from 18 to 35?
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Hello am I still online?
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Few more thoughts - the issue of no a/c, 93 degrees, and clutter. Whoever was the first proposed aide might have reported to the agency that the working environment wasn't tolerable, and the agency really doesn't want the assignment.
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I'm finding it implausible that an agency would send out someone who's 80 years old and someone who weighed 500 pounds, and am in fact wondering how someone of that weight would even be able to get to your house.

I think there's more going on here but I don't know what it is. Maybe the agency for some reason doesn't want to deal with you. Maybe the agency isn't a very good one.

Perhaps you should try a different agency. That's what I would do.
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Those kinds of stipulations would set off an alarm if I were working in the agency you contacted. If I were a private caregiver, I wouldn't even consider working for you. Anyone who sets those kinds of standards is giving off a clear message.
Why do you feel "height and weight proportionate" is required, and why the age requirement?
Your profile states you're caring for someone with arthritis; how is this affected by someone who would meet your standards, which I consider to be especially rigid in the age category.
And depending on how the VA structures payment, if you're considered the employer, your standards are discriminatory.

So far the agencies have sent me a 45 year old woman who couldn't hear me standing next to me. Then they sent an 80 year old woman. I'm seventy. The eighty year old almost passed out because it was 93 degrees in my home. I don't have central air right now. She told me she couldn't come back because it was to hot. I agreed with her. Then they sent a woman who was close to five hundred pounds. She was the most disgusting looking person I had ever been that close to. She was barely able to navigate her way through my home It has narrow walkways and is cluttered with furniture, chairs, and other stuff. I was afraid she would stumble, hurting herself and destroying things in my home. I refused all three of them. The agency tells me that they are the only ones available because everyone else in on vacation. I am very clear of mind, but I have arthritis among other ailments, and can't walk well, or stoop and bend. That's why I am asking for someone whose height and weight is proportionate according to the charts in the doctors office. Why would anyone other than morbidly obese people, old, people, or deaf people have a problem with my simple requests?
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Is the home health care for you or for someone else? If for you, I think an agency would think seriously about even finding someone.
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Those kinds of stipulations would set off an alarm if I were working in the agency you contacted. If I were a private caregiver, I wouldn't even consider working for you. Anyone who sets those kinds of standards is giving off a clear message.

Why do you feel "height and weight proportionate" is required, and why the age requirement?

Your profile states you're caring for someone with arthritis; how is this affected by someone who would meet your standards, which I consider to be especially rigid in the age category.

And depending on how the VA structures payment, if you're considered the employer, your standards are discriminatory.
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As a person needing in home health care, which will be paid for by the Veterans Administration, do I have the right to stipulate that I want a female helper who is height and weight proportionate, according to doctor charts, and who is from 18 to 35?
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Kazzaa, he's not the son of the man in question as he claimed in most of his posts.

He only pretended to be to get answers. He's the aide, and had his own agenda in disguising his identity.
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I was a nanny and ive met people like you you want it all your dad cared for and the house cleaned for a miserable 50 dollars a night?

I made it very clear to my employers that either i take very good care of your baby and do very little housework OR i do all your housework and neglect your baby? do you really need a reality check if i hired a carer and my house was spic and span i would have to ask the question of how well my dad was being cared for? I think your dad needs to be in a home and looked after by professionals not some immigrants who just want a job and will work for peanuts pay peanuts and get monkeys. Your dads care should be paramount and if you cant afford proper care then either care for him yourself or have him get the care he deserves in a professional enviroment.
Here in Ireland its $150 dollars a night for cargivers for als patients and well deserved if you ask me! Maybe you should spend sometime with these cargivers even for one day to see just how hard it is and maybe you wont be so cheap!
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I don't think I would have gotten the number of detailed answers if I just wrote "I am an aide, etc"
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Got it - since it's the Internet, one can start off with dishonesty (when the truth would've done you more good). Frankly, I don't see much point in not being straight on a help forum...after all, you're trying to get good advice that will help you on a critical life matter. And yes, GA, attitude in a stressful family situation could definitely make this aide not a good match for them.
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This is the Internet. Do you really think everything people are writing on your screen are true? Even face to face people are often far from honest.

And again I just don't get it. What is the huge difference if I am the child or I am the aide and I will pass this on to the child?

It's not like I'm pretending to be doctor and giving all kinds of bogus advice or something. Or I'm pretending to have a fatal illness and making a my own website and really I'm healthy.
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The OP posted this 2 days ago:

"So I started this particular case two weeks ago and I was told two days ago that today, Sunday, will be my last day."

Linda, perhaps it is his attitude that made this only a 2 week job.
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What difference does if make if you pretend to be someone else? Well, folks here are pretty straight with each other, knowing people take precious time to help. Your first instinct was to be dishonest with them Then you turned insulting. FWIW, you have attitude that will create problems dealing with the families.
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What type of personal information? You don't know who this man is.

What difference does it make if the child or the aide posted this question? I passed the answer on to the child.

Seriously, is this a forum about dementia or by people who are demented?
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I was referring to our individual and collective time - not yours. You had a hidden agenda and used it.

And if you think that feedback from a forum on which you posted false inforomation is sufficient to use with a family which hired you to care for their father, you should think again, especially why you're even in this field.

I can't imagine you would ever get any decent references, even if you didn't want them, after telling a family you posted about their situation on a public forum. You revealed personal information which you had no right to disclose. No only did you not respect theirs and their father's privacy, you violated the TOS of this site as well.

Go troll elsewhere.
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Not a waste at all. I've now left that job, but thanks to the feedback I got here I told this family that they are putting their father in danger and I explained why.
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Eyerishlass, thank you for expressing your frank opinion as well. Troll is right - he abused the privilege of posting, lied and perpetuated that lie until he finally decided to be honest.

To anyone who hasn't read the entire thread, don't bother to respond to the OP. He isn't who he claimed to be and this whole excursion was a waste of our time.
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Your 'discussion' isn't even relevant anymore. Had you just posted your concerns about your situation you would have found support and suggestions but you've ruined that opportunity now. I think you're just a troll.
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It can seem like a very difficult process -- but it isn't! :) You just need to know the right questions to ask and you will be able to nail down the right one for you!
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Your expectations and your budget are unrealistic. Particularly in NY, state with a high cost of living.
Honestly you need a different plan.
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I've updated my profile.
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I wanted to hear what other people would tell these daughters. I think they are obnoxious and a little crazy, however I was wondering if I'm being too harsh. From the responses I've gotten the answer seems to be a clear "no".

Everything I've written is precisely accurate, except he is my patient not my father.

As far as I know spontaneous hip fractures are unheard of for males.
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Here's another way to view your deception. You posted a profile that states:

"I am caring for my father, living at home and the primary ailment is alzheimer's / dementia."

Now you've admitted that's false.

You've also violated the TOS, which provide in part:

"You may not post on the Site any content which (a) is libelous, false, defamatory, ...

(c) violates the rights of others, such as content which ... violates any right of privacy or publicity; or (d) otherwise violates any applicable law ... You may not impersonate any person or entity; falsely state or otherwise misrepresent your affiliation with any person or entity. "

https://www.agingcare.com/termsofuse.htm

Maybe you should rehink your whole approach to this profession as well as posting on a public forum.
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A little deceptive? LITTLE???

You know, if you wanted opinions on your situation and whether or not it was normal, you could have just stated so. It wasn't necessary to be so dishonest with us.

I thought there was something very odd that a man who had fallen no longer walks. You mentioned nothing about post fall PT which I also found peculiar.

I have read of spontaneous fractures due to having taken Fosamax.

And regardless what you think may have happened to cause the fracture, I also find it inappropriate to speculate that an aide said nothing after a client fell. You impugn the integrity of someone you don't even know and even suggest the daughters have mental issues.
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OK, I'm sorry because I have been a little deceptive. I am not this man's son; I am, for the moment, his home health aide.

But the situation which I am describing is exactly what his two daughters, who have taken charge of his care in recent years, are doing. I am not exaggerating one single word.

I'm American by the way, 53, divorced, former computer programmer who was unemployed for three years thanks to the Great Recession. I went into home health care a year and a half ago just to survive. I discovered that I really enjoy it. I love to directly, personally help people. I actually saved a patient's life once when he was having symptoms of a heart attack. What a thrill!

So I started this particular case two weeks ago and I was told two days ago that today, Sunday, will be my last day. Last Thursday I took a day off to visit my kids (being penniless didn't help my marriage btw) so the agency sent a 57 year old Ukrainian man as a sub. He is very nice and he straightened up the living room without being asked which I think scored huge points with the daughters. They offered him the job; at first he refused but apparently his wife pressured him to agree. He arrives 8:00 am tomorrow.

Anyway, since I am still a little new in this, I've started wondering: Is this situation normal??? Does this make sense??? My instinct is that the daughters have a few mental problems of their own.

Incidentally, he was walking until last November. Then he broke his hip. The children "don't know" how it broke and think it may have been spontaneous. Since it had already begun healing the doctors could not operate. His hip healed crookedly and he cannot walk or stand without pain even with a walker. Personally, I think he fell while with an aide and the aide just said nothing.
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