Difficult issue to deal with Peyronie's disease.
I don't know where to start...
Dh had been completely opposed to anything intimate in our marriage for the past 12 years. He has had a few fairly major health issues. Currently, he's as healthy as he's going to be...which, while not great, is better than he has been in years.
Our intimate life is non-existent. Literally. He won't touch me and rarely even kisses me. He sleeps on the far edge of the bed.
I haven't wanted to say anything--knowing that after a major heart attack (9 years ago) and a life threatening motorcycle accident 12 years ago had left him kind of 'fragile' and on some drugs that I was warned could lead to impotence.
So randomly, we 'sort of' had sex 3 weeks ago. He definitely was unable to perform and he was angry and embarrassed. I'd never hear of Peyroni's disease, but he said he knew he had it. We didn't talk about it. He pulled a pillow over his head and refused to talk to me.
I have since done a lot of reading about it. IDK how to go about talking to him about this. He simply shuts down. IDK if it's treatable in his case, or even if he cares.
His sex drive has always been on the very low side. Like, I wonder- how- I ever- got- pregnant-low. we've never had sex more than 2-3 times a month, for our entire married life. Many times going 6+ months between encounters.
Married 49 years and the last 12, sex has been completely missing. I thought he was having an affair some years ago and asked him if he wanted out. Nope, that wasn't it. He simply doesn't 'function'.
It hurts me so much. I miss sex, and thought that we'd be OK in our retired years--house free of kids, etc. But this happened.
I also asked if he felt that I was unattractive to him, and all that. He insists that no, he still finds me attractive. However, he'll do things like start a little disagreement before bed, so I will go to bed angry or withdrawn. I know this is him keeping me at arm's length.
This is really hard to talk about, please, of you make comments, be kind. I love my Dh and cannot figure this out on my own.
17 Answers
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Consider a therapist who specializes in intimacy and closeness and the kind of issues you to have. There are all sorts of wonderful exercises folks can do to learn-- how to cuddle without one made feeling the pressure for sex for example. Learning how to do sensual touch or massage for each other. You said you weren't interested in Solo sex, I don't know if you would want to explore that with a counselor.
As have said Peyronies is way more common than people think. The best treatment is Xiaflex.
Below is a link to a Peyronie's Facebook group, there are lots of other resources out there. You need to figure out a way the two of you can discuss intimacy. Often times, taking the pressure off the male to perform is the very first step.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/214688102574420/?ref=share&mibextid=lOuIew
Please, don't live your life around him.
The 'talk' went poorly. DH says he can't possibly talk to a Dr about this and won't. He saw his PCP last week and I asked him to ask her for a referral to a urologist and he stated he could not and would not do that, under any circumstances.
So there's my answer.
He just gets angry and defensive at any talk of 'dealing with' this condition.
Such is life. It's sad, but not a marriage ender, esp at ages 69 and 74.
I'll leave this post to percolate for a few days then ask it be removed.
Not sure at your age your going to be able to teach sn old dog new tricks. People learn how to love from their parents and seems husband had bad roll models. Hope your talk goes well.
DH acts like a jerk so he can keep me at arm's length with no expectations of intimacy. I've known THAT for years.
Sure didn't help that his parents had the world's worse marriage to pattern on. His folks never spoke to each other with any degree of kindness and often had knock-down drag-em-out fights with the families in hearing distance. You grow up like that and there's a pretty good chance you'll only see that paradigm.
I do plan to talk to him about this. He was very unkind to me this week and I wound up crying hysterically and going downstairs to get away from him.
He apologized profusely the next day--but, talk is cheap.
I am not upset over the fact that our sex life is over, but I want closeness and common kindness. That's not asking for the moon.
As far as a true dx of peyronie's--to my knowledge he has not been formally dxed with it, but all the symptoms are checked in the box...
I am hoping to have a talk with him. I don't think he will agree to seeing a dr about this, but we can work on being 'loving' with no expectations of sex.
This is NOT a marriage ender--I know how easy it is to read that someone is unhappy over something within their marriage and quickly say "Divorce them".
I'm not tearing apart my family over lack of sex in my life at age 69!! And I am not buying a vibrator, for personal and private reasons.
I am going to find a good time to have him turn off the TV and talk to me. I need him to say to me "I will/will not seek treatment." whatever his answer is. I can roll with it.
He must have looked up peyronie's disease, he had obviously not spoken to a Dr about it. IDK where he would even start! His PCP would simply refer him out. (Actually, he does not need a referral, he can simply pick someone).
Having so many health issues in the past 20 years has taken its toll.
I tried yesterday to initiate a conversation about this, and he immediately shut me down by being a real jerk. That always works. I know he's embarrassed by this. He'll say/do something to hurt my feelings and I shut down and either leave the house or just go down to my craft room and stay there.
I can live without sex, I think I have proven that over the past 12 years. I miss the intimacy. IDK why he's so sensitive to this and gets so angry. I think it's embarrassment, to be honest.
And I am most assuredly NOT going to share this with my GFs.
It will be OK, one way or another. I recently had my 69th birthday and the thought that I was now in my 70th year...it has hit me really hard. I'm quite depressed and sad--I'm realizing I am not going to get 'better' in any way. Gotta wrap my aging brain around this!
Again, thanks. A lot of different viewpoints and I'll take all in consideration.
Midkid, can you clarify that your husband was actually examined by a urologist and diagnosed with this condition? He's not just assuming?
I mean it. No hint or suggestion of wanting sex. Just try to hold hands with him. Half an hour watching TV, maybe. Just to have touch. If you’re out together at the grocery store, hold his hand while you’re walking together. That’s it. Touch is important. Work on that. If he’ll relax to touch and contact between you, add in hugs and sitting touching. Again, no hint of sex, be clear if he’s uncomfortable. Just comfortable, affectionate touch. If you two can manage that, I think you’ll find you are both a lot happier and more relaxed with each other.
As to sex… Alva is, as usual, spot on correct, and forthrightly so :-) I would add, do a very bluntly worded search on Amazon and you will find a section of products you can only see if you specifically hunt for them! Read the reviews and find what will work for you to relieve that very real physical need.
This is tough for him too. The more pressure there is to perform the worse his anxiety will be. Everyone loves to be touched. I would make it a point to touch his hands/arms/face every day or rub his shoulders. Do that enough without any expectations till he's comfortable with it. Then one night tell him you just want to cuddle or spoon. Learn to cuddle /spoon without any expectations. If that doesn't help then separate beds may help.
Be sure and get a good lube. A good one is called WET Platinum. It's silicon based and never gets sticky like water based products do. But some people are sensitive about silicon.
You can also try an adjustable rubber ring for him. It's a piece of silicon rubber rope with the 2 loose ends passing through a slide. They are very easy to put on after arousal, adjust and take off, kind of like a mini tourniquet.
If manual or oral stimulation doesn't produce the desired results, try letting him watch you enjoy yourself with a vibrator.
You could also take a trip together and stay in a nice hotel that has in room Jacuzzis.
I hope you're able to find some peace.
My sex drive flew out the window with menopause flying in. I am 80 now and if memory serves.....
between medications, heart problems, cancers, and just the vagaries of time going on and on--with us in our 80s????? I will be honest that sex never enters my mind/our minds all that much. And we are pretty content with that. It's kind of like our time of travels all over Europe. We LOVED it. But now it would just be too much trouble, frankly.
Some people maintain a high sex drive well into their old age I HEAR (though find it difficult to believe after talking with more than a few close friends and family members in the younger generation already in 60s and 70s).
At this point, with your sex drive is still there and his is GONE GIRL GONE; You may be needing a trip to Good Vibrations for the latest in self-care in this matter. You may not--your hubby and you--be IN THIS WAY compatible (and I am assuming in other ways you ARE. Because if not, of course there is no question of sex.
Peyronies is common. If it isn't so crooked that you long ago noticed this anomaly, then I very much doubt Peyronies is the problem. WHATEVER the problem, sex doesn't need to be the full act. It can be affection and "playing around" and cuddling close, and your hubby has no interest in that. And there's not enough trust between you to even DISCUSS this.
Basically you are looking at a fellow who doesn't feel close to you in any way, and I don't think that has to do with disease, pills. That's just a fact. And it may be a part of who he is. He may no longer want physical closeness. Or even much in terms of mental. He may only want companionship in front of the TV and Pizza every Friday.
BUT if you can't communicate about all this, and your personal feelings and wishes, there is truly little hope, Mid.
Either he will go to counseling with you or he will not, but if he doesn't even want to hold your hand, touch your shoulder--then you two have done what easily 50% of folk DO eventually.... you have grown apart, become close friends and companions and not much more.
Mid, tell him that you NEED to talk about this. Ask him is that's all he wants; if that's enough for him. Read him our responses. Open up the door. Listen to Esther Perel Podcasts and discuss them. Open the flood gates to talking, because until you CAN TALK TOGETHER there's not much sense in hoping for do much as a cuddle, in my own humble opinion.
I think JoAnn in the comments makes the best suggestion. He needs to go and get a complete physical from his doctor. Make an appointment for him but don't go with him. He needs to talk this over with the doctor one-on-one without you because it's embarrassing.
You need to let him know that sex really isn't that important to you. Not after 49 years. Tell him this when he's starting one of the little before bed arguments. Make him go to the doctor though on his own. Don't ask what the doctor said. Let him tell you when he wants to.
I'm sure you are well aware that there are myriad reasons for a man to be experiencing erectile dysfunction, ranging from physical to mental to emotional - or any combination of those reasons. Which is where I suspect your husband falls.
If I were in your position, and my husband was having "performance" issues - that he flat out refused to talk about or seek medical advice/intervention - as delicately as I can put this - I think I would consider getting myself a variety of "toys" and take matters into my own hands, so to speak. I also think I would let him know in no uncertain terms when I was going to do this, and offer him the opportunity to join in. But if he refuses, at least I could scratch that itch. I know it doesn't do anything for the intimacy part of the equation, but at the very least the physical craving might be sated for a while.
"Non-Surgical Treatment:
Oral medications (limited effectiveness)
Collagenase injections (Xiaflex) – FDA-approved treatment that breaks down scar tissue
Topical or penile traction therapy
Shockwave therapy (under investigation)
Surgical Treatment (for severe or persistent cases):
Plaque incision or excision with grafting
Penile plication (straightens by shortening the opposite side)
Penile implant (if ED is also present)"
He needs to know he's not alone:
"Prevalence of Peyronie’s Disease in U.S. Men:
✅ Diagnosed Cases
The National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases (NIDDK) estimates that about 1 in 100men (≈ 1%) over age 18 have been diagnosed with Peyronie’s disease.
✅ Likely Actual Prevalence
Due to underdiagnosis and stigma, the true prevalence is believed to be much higher.
Recent studies estimate that 1 in 10 men (≈ 10%) have either symptoms, a formal diagnosis, or have sought treatment for the condition Verywell Health.
Some literature reviews report prevalence rates ranging from 0.5% up to 13%, depending on criteria and population surveyed.
\
✅ Age-Specific Rates
Prevalence increases with age:
~1.5% of men aged 30–39
~3% aged 40–49 and 50–59
~4% aged 60–69
~6.5% for men over 70"
Source: ChatGPT
There are many treatable reasons for low libido in men, even taking certain medications can cause problems. A urologist is who to consult. If psychological, there is also therapy for this.