I have recently had to make the hard decision to place my mother in a personal care home. I am 27 years old and this was not a very easy decision for me. I have cared for her since I was in my early 20s when she was just choosing not to care for herself the way she should have. She was an alcoholic and prescription drug addict until I started setting hard boundaries about 3-4 years ago. She has never really cared for herself the way she needed too but this last year has been awful. She wouldn't cook or clean up after herself. There were a few times where I had caught her peeing the bed and just laying in it for a couple days. I would have to literally force her to shower. Meanwhile, I am working two over night jobs to make ends meet. She is a HUGE fall risk. She has broken both her shoulders. She has also broken both of her hips, needing surgery to fix both hips and one shoulder. She just fell and broke her wrist and foot. Her memory has been declining over the past year, but after her strokes in December and January its gotten worse. I can no longer safely care for her while working two jobs. She wont even try to help herself either, when she was living with me she was refusing in home rehab. Threw a fit when she went to an inpatient rehab, which has lead to her here in this care home. Where now she is threating resident's and their family members, trying to convince other residents that this facility is horrible all because she doesn't want to live there and she is unhappy. I don't know what else to do. I have tried talking to her. I have tried reasoning with her. I have been understanding with the strokes, and memory impairment. All we do is argue and fight. I take into consideration that this is an adjustment and one that isn't very easy to adjust to. She is unreasonable. I've explained that I can no longer can care for her the way she needs and this is truly the best thing for her. I still take her to doctors appointments. Recently money has been kind of tight with me having to pay out of pocket for her facility since she doesn't make enough but I purchase outside snacks as well as still take her out to eat. Nothing is good enough. Literally nothing I do fixes the issue. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? I have thought about therapy but getting her to go to an appointment is like pulling teeth. Even if anyone has a little moral support to give on what they are going through or have gone through with a parent like this, it would be greatly appreciated.
I’d give up any notion of therapy for her. She doesn’t think she needs it and will just gaslight you saying you’re the problem. There is no way you can reason with her or talk calmly about the situation she’s in.
Limit your visits to her. They sound disastrous. Do not remove her from the facility EVER. Don’t consider it even for a second!
The question indicates she is problematic after you take her out and return her to the facility. If that is the case, stop taking her out of the facility.
You have done all that you can do for your mom at this point by making sure that she had a safe place to land and by getting proper care. Your responsibility is finished. Do not continue to use your own money and funds. Let the facility and social worker take over as far as her finances and if need be have a court appointed guardian to look out for mom's resources.
I had to make this move with my disabled sister years ago. She had a court appointed lawyer that looked out for her to make sure she got all of her benefits, a place to live, medical care and clothing.
Take care of yourself.
Second...you should stay away for several weeks and even longer if need be to allow your mom to adjust to her new home. Your mom may never be happy there and that is on her not you, as your moms happiness is NOT your responsibility.
She has made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.
I'm sorry that you like many of us got the short end when it came to mothers, but it's now time that you just worry about yourself and make sure that you're not bringing any of the dysfunction from your past with you in the future.
Get therapy if you think it will help. You are WAY too young to be strapped to a woman who chose to make some really bad choices in her life and is now paying the consequences of them. You deserve better.
I wish you well in taking your life back and breaking the cycle of dysfunction in your family.
God bless you.
I’m more concerned with the fact that you are paying out of your pocket for her care .
Get in touch with a social worker at your local County Agency of Aging to see if Mom can get Medicaid to pay. Most state Medicaid will only pay for SNF ( skilled nursing facility). Mom may or may not medically qualify to need SNF care yet .