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My mother is 94, has had 24 hour care after hitting her head trauma in May. She has never wanted me or been attached to me. In fact this has been a very emotionally abusive relationship for me. My aunt who took me in as a teen can testify that "she always was mean" to me.


Please advise

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I haven't spoke to my abusive mother for 8 years, she recently had a small stroke, I am helping my brother behind the scenes, that is it, I will not speak with her again.

She has not changed, she hates women, and made my life a living hell.
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Like said, caring for an abusive parent is not a good idea. And from your profile you r well versed in Dementia. Which, if Mom showed signs of Dementia before, a head wound could make it escalate. If no signs, head trauma could cause it.

I would not sacrifice for this woman. I may help her find help but I would not do hands on care for her. Your future is important. If u have family, they come first. See, I believe in what goes around, comes around. This is Moms "come around".
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dspeer1953 Dec 2019
I just happened upon this "Aging Care" in my e-mail. So glad I opened it. I had a very abusive father of whom I tried all of my life to make him proud. He beat my mother so much most of their married life and treated her like a dog while she waited on him hand and foot while he was out most everynight drinking and cheating. Us siblings would scatter to our rooms when he would come home. Mom, eventually became bitter and abusive herself in actions and verbally. She ended up with acute COPD. Dad was 10 years older than Mom..Dad got cancer, and Mom was sick too at the time. I took care of them both. Dad died in 1993, then eventually I divorced and remarried. Big mistake, but soon after marrying my Mom got sicker. The doctor and nurses realized how abusive my Mom was to us and to them and he suggested a nursing facility. I loved her so much and just couldn't and wouldn't allow it. The doctor had even a social worker try to talk me into to nursing facility. I took my mother home to care for her. I was always so exhausted and abused verbally at same time. Turns out I had MS. But I saw Mom to her grave too. Then my older brother whom had been in and out of Max. security prison most of his life and was drunk most of the time. Tried all my life to help him. He used me so much...He had no wife, no kids, and nothing much to his name. He got cancer, and I had to take care of everything for his care.. Saw him to the grave. I ended up almost dead myself by that time. Anyway, so much trauma throughout my life, sexual, physical, verbal etc. Have PTSD now along with MS. The finances were taken care of. Brother had just enough to pay for creamation. No, funeral. Had him buried in family plot and VA paid for stone. I DID NOT FEEL I HAD A CHOICE. THANK GOD MOM HAD FINANCES IN LINE FOR SHE AND DAD. BROTHER DID NOT. HE PASSED 6 YEARS AGO. I SO AGREE WITH YOU JoAnn... I loved them all with all of my heart in spite of it all. I would do things differently if I could now because my health and my mental health has suffered greatly because of this and other things as well. Thank you for allowing me to Vent.
Diane S.
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I’m confused. Your profile reads like an employment application and you even say you will provide references. You say you are caring for “someone “ but don’t indicate who. You sound like a very intelligent person.

So, are you asking for advice on caregiving for your mother or thinking this is an employment site? There really isn’t a question in your post or much information. As a person, who according to your resume/profile, is very well-versed in the medical field, I’d think you realize that caring for your mother who has never really been a mother, is to say the least, not a good idea. If you are not caring for her now, don’t start. If you are, get out. You must have contacts who can help you find alternate care for her.
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You do not act as her caregiver, period.

I have made it clear to both my parents that I will not provide any form of hands on care, in home care etc. I will help in sorting out finances as I am good at that, but only if I am provided with the information and can do it at my home in my time frame.
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I'll agree with Daughterof1930 and ask you why you feel the need to be the care giver for your mother, especially now that she's in need of such intensive care? You can place her in Skilled Nursing where she likely belongs and STILL be her 'care giver', just in a different way, as a daughter who comes by to see her occasionally vs. giving her intensive care giving on a daily basis. It's hard enough to be a care giver to a mother who's been wonderful and loving your whole life.........but to be a care giver to a woman you've never even had a relationship with is truly unthinkable, in my opinion.

I hope you can detach from this situation and do what's right for both of you.

P.S. Just wondering why you have your resume on your Profile page here on the site?
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I'd consult with professionals in how to cope with this. From what I've read, it's not advisable to be the full time hands on caregiver for a senior who has abused you. I can imagine a lot of reasons that it's not a good idea. If you are still trying to be involved with the caregiving, since she is now in a facility, I'd still consult with a professional, like a counselor. Painful memories last a lifetime and the hurt is understandable. Your mother having dementia, also complicates it. I'd likely explore what I felt comfortable with doing.
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Why do you feel you’re obligated to be her caregiver now? Caregiver can mean many things, it doesn’t have to be hands on or in person, especially with someone you feel has been abusive to you
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