Did anybody let their parent "suffer the consequences" of being stubborn?

My experience is that many folks with or without dementia initially resist the idea of an aide but many end up realizing they need one even if they don’t like it. If her senior center has a safety system with a latch on the door to alert as to whether the person had been up or out that day, someone will be able to look in at least once/day. This is true for some senior independent living situations. If she doesn’t respond or flip it to acknowledge she’s up, someone will go in. This may be necessary for a little bit but in the long run, she’ll likely need someone more consistently (I.e., if she starts wandering and gets lost, if she becomes incontinent, unable to feed herself, and so on). APS could end up involved and force the issue with requiring care provision (which actually can be a good thing). If you are real concerned, you can call APS in her county yourself and explain your mother’s self-neglect and they’ll get someone out there to do a formal assessment of her capacity. Then you don’t have to be the ‘bad guy’. Can work like a charm!

Yes, I allowed my mother to be stubborn.

The last time was when I made a doctor's appointment to have her medicines checked - her eyes were always glazed over. This is often a sign of medicines.

The night before, she called and told me not to pick her up, she had cancelled the appointment. I told her I expected her to do that and after a small bit of conversation, we ended the call. My mother simply couldn't handle anyone helping her in any way. She was stubborn to the end.

Mom passed away on New Year's Day 2004, sometimes you just can't fight them. She left behind my father and I assisted him for another 7.5 years until he too passed on.

I would not wait for a crisis. Living in a senior center she can accidently set the place on fire by leaving something on the stove and forgetting about it.
Ive dropped off meals on wheels to people that should have been in a health care unit. A lot of the places smelled like very strong urine. Some people were sitting in the dark. It did not occur to them to put the light on. They did not bathe or change clothes. They did not visit with others living there, or do activities. A very lonely existance.
If it werent for the meal, they probably wouldnt eat. If they remember to eat.
I think she would be better off with more care. To see she is toileting, bathing and looked after. So what if she gets mad. She will get mad whatever the situation. It is better that she is looked after than left alone. Good luck.

Sure, I've offered various kinds of help for my mom only to have her snottily reject it so I pulled away and left her to her own devices. Instead I started putting my energies into helping my head-injured older brother. It's making him more happy and comfortable and he appreciates it.

By all means; this is one of the few places where good advice is free, plentiful, and really valuable - kudos to all you responding caretakers!

In her moments of clarity, Mom is upset about her loss of privacy and she feels an aide will stigmatize her in the eyes of her neighbors - that she is now feeble and not competent enough to handle her own affairs. I will keep reassuring her that the aide will be a good companion to her.

I'm in touch with mom's neighbors and management and will, of course, speak to them about the aide. Anyway, the aide's contact info has to be registered with the management. They will . handle things for 48 hours if there is an emergency and I am very thankful for this.

As Whyarewe says, I've to focus on her safety now and my own peace of mind.

Thank you, everyone - I'm just very nervous! I know I will keep coming back here to ask for more advice!

What's your brother's take on this?

If you are hiring and paying the aide, is it really possible for your mom to fire her? I agree with Margaret, I would speak to some friends and family that live near her and enlist their support in convincing your mother it would be a good thing to have an aide and "how very thoughtful of your daughter to think of it. " That should cut down on the impact of the badmouthing your mother might do. And, even if she does disparage you to her friends, YOU know that you're trying to do right by her; it doesn't matter what others think. Maybe get an aide who is computer savvy and can help your mom Skype with you. The only other real solution is to transfer her to a memory care facility. You don't want to worry about her wandering and getting lost or hurt.

Just thinking...its not so much Mom is stubborn but that Mom is showing signs of Dementia. Because of this, you can no longer reason with her and she probably doesn't process what you are trying to tell her. I really think that you and your brother should be talking about a nursing facility for Mom. When u get her back to India have her evaluated there. Dementia is different for everyone, It can be a slow progression or change overnight. Maybe brother will need her closer to him.

I would not try to put her in a facility here. There would be a language barrier plus cultural. In Moms AL there was an Italian lady who lived most of her life in the US so could speak English. With Dementia, though, she switched back to Italian, her birth language. She may have understood English but only spoke in Italian. Another lady only Spanish and only one aide who spoke it.

Um, Wren.

Could the agenda behind this be that your mother would like it if you, in her perfect world, were to relocate to India? (where in India, by the way? - big place!)

What do the managers at the senior centre recommend?

Or, are you giving the blackmail idea serious thought? - would you actually like her to move near to you?

We have done that. It is hard and it caused us a lot of anxiety. In our case, the senior is actually stubborn and not demented. The decision to let them go until a catastrophe forces their hand gets more complicated when they clearly can't make decisions for themselves anymore.
I am in the US and we hired someone called an Aging Life Specialist to be in contact with our stubborn senior. She is a social worker with over 30 years of experience and she has been a big help. But even she is saying all we can do is offer the help and wait until he will accept it.
There have been two incidents that I think would have required us to make an emergency visit and we didn't have to fly up there because we had her on site and she went to the ER, kept us informed and helped the senior navigate his options.
If there is someone in India who would oversee your mother's situation it would probably be a comfort to you and your brother. Is there anyone at her current senior center that could give you some guidance?
You will need to find an aide who is a good personality fit for your mom and that might take a few tries. It would be great to have some local oversight of the situation.
Best of luck.

If you have alerted the friends and neighbors about the real situation, then you won't have to worry about her "badmouthing" you. Make arrangements for her care as you can. Who in India is authorized to act on her behalf?

I found that my own life had to go on hold when my late father moved in with me. It's something we have to get used to. Consult with a pro in dementia and find out what you will need to nail down in India so you can sleep at night. Take her back and just do what needs doing, whether she likes it or not. As much as you can, keep her in ignorance about her future. And stop expecting her to be rational about any of the plans for her future. Just have things lined up and ready to go.

When she makes a funeral comment, just agree with her, then let it go. You know how she is, just ignore the intent and remember she is not really still the mother you knew.

Do what needs to be done for her safety and care and and don't fret. Some things we can do, and if dealing with someone who doesn't have it all together, we just do it or we pass our parents on to people who can do what needs doing.

I hired a morning attendant for my father--who was living in a facility near me, but didn't offer as much help and care as he needed. He was closer to her than to me, which was a relief, as it gave me some time to live my own life. Whatever he said about me was irrelevant as long as he was safe and cared for. When I was young he was "all there," loving and somewhat lovable. But those things change. At advanced old age, he was a new person.

We do what we can and don't beat ourselves up for our mistakes when we first walk this painful path. Much later now, I consider my dad a "learning experience," and regret my failures, but don't beat myself up about them. Your mother is your learning experience. I hope you can do the best you can with what you have to work with, and it lets you sleep at night. Loss of sleep can contribute to your own dementia.

I thought there was family where she is going? You will need a support group there. Maybe Mom should not live independently. Maybe time for care/nursing home in India. Don't think it wise to keep her here in the US. She cannot get any of our services.

When it comes to consequences can the senior center handle things.

When you take her back to India next month, it would be good to allow enough time to see the ‘friends and neighbors’ you think she will badmouth to about you. Explain to them what is going on, and ask for their support to get mother to accept help. Perhaps they could monitor her and keep you informed as well. It might be worth writing to them in advance to let them know that you would like to see them when you come, and how concerned you are. That might be useful for your mother, and also help protect yourself against the badmouthing. If you will be on a tight time schedule, it’s worth setting it up in advance.

Don’t ‘blackmail’ your mother into staying with you. It could be a disaster for both of you. And most people can't stop a parent from being stubborn when they are in the next room, let alone on the other side of the Pacific Ocean!

I have found an aide for mom but I just worry that mom will somehow fire her after I leave. I know mom will badmouth me to her friends and neighbors