How do we determine when it's time for Mom to move to an independent/ALF?
Secondly, can we really make her go?
Mom still lives alone. She's 90 years old and very frail. She doesn't drive because her legs just don't respond anymore and her balance is very poor. She gets around her house by holding on to furniture and other things that are situated in strategic places. She will not use a cane or walker because she says once she gives in to those things then "it's all over". She is very lonely and gets depressed very often. She only gets out of the house when either my sister or I go to get her. She does have one friend who picks her up on Saturday for lunch and to attend Mass. Mom's short term memory is terrible. She can't remember what happened yesterday. Anytime I ask her a question, say, about my sister who she saw the previous day, she can't give me any type of detailed response. I fix her pills for her every week and I do her bills. My sister picks her up for dinner a few days a week and takes her out on Sunday.
I have tried to talk to mom about moving to a facility where she will have people around her so that she wouldn't be so lonely. We've taken her to visit a few places, but her remarks are very mean spirited. She refers to the residents as inmates and says all they do there is sit around and stare into space. She thinks she'll be locked up there with no escape. Meanwhile her house needs maintenance constantly and neither my sister or I have time to run two households since we both work full time.
The other question is, if we do determine that it's time for mom to go, how do we force the issue if she refuses? She owns her house and it would have to be sold in order for her to make a move. She says she loves her house and doesn't want to leave all her things behind, especially all the paintings that she has painted over the years, (She was a wonderful artist). I know that eventually she will fall or become more disoriented that she is sometimes now and we will have to make her go. The whole thing just breaks my heart.
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We were able to move mom, whose beg issue was increasing attacks. After 3 panic attacks in three days that caused to miss three days of work, I said "I can't do this anymore". This was not her being independent, this was all of us enabling her. I told her that my brother (favorite child) was going to have a heart attack rushing to get to her emergencies.
Oh, and the walker? Get her doctor to order some PT so she can be shown how to use a walker or Rollator and so it can be explained to her that it will improve her physical skills.
Otherwise, you wait for the fall and the broken hip. Tell her that. Tell her that if she goes now, she'll have a choice of where to go. Once you're in the hospital, it depends on where there is an open bed.
It is great that you are addressing this now. Bring in a housekeeper at the very least, often these become the special people to watch out for Mom.
Before I took that final step, guardianship or Adult Protective Services action, I'd use guilt and every other manipulation I could think of. I'd, on my own, find the facility that I'd like to see her in. And then I'd try to convince mom to try it for ONE MONTH. Just a month. If mom or I couldn't afford it, I'd help her take a small line of credit home equity loan. I'd make the intake manager of the ALF my BFF and beg her to take mom under her wing to make sure she had the best experience they could provide. I'd bring a dozen of her paintings and find a way to display them in her room. I'd ask your new BFF if one of them could be displayed in the common area. Donated, of course.
Sometimes we have to think outside the box to get what we want. And sometimes? Even at that? We're left with few options.
Don't discount I home help. This may even be a stepping stone to mom noticing her solitude and wanting the wonderful social aspects of an ALF.