Mom is depressed and just lays around all day. What should I do?

I hate to say this but it sounds like your mom has an addiction problem along with her medical issues. If your mom is able to get up with the walker let her get herself up to heat her own food. As long as you continue to do it for her she is going to rely on you to do it. It would be great if she go outside n just sit n smell the fresh air, listen to the birds n such. Just getting out of the house, off the same place-couch or sofa a few minutes may make a difference? All u can do is offer to sat outside with her with n that is if its not too cool too.
Yes, please call them for your own sake before she drives you nuts. You have a life to live as well. Like someone else mention about the hospital may not be such a bad idea for maybe they can find an alternative prescription to help her n u can get some rest too. Keep us up-to-date on how things work out bad or good. Vent away as much as you need for we all do it.

Maybe you can find Christian music on the radio and have that on continually. Also Christian programing shows on TV or via internet do wonders. TBN is my favorite so look for that amongst the channels. I'm not sure how far you are from Orlando but Holy Land Experience is right there amidst Disney exits. It is free after 5 or 5:30pm and if you go before then, its worth whatever it costs. God is the answer your mom needs. He is our healer and deliverer. Just getting her outside everyday for 10 minutes is like natural vitamin D that aids in healing depression. Going natural is God's way instead of drugs. Vitamin B vitamins are also good for the mind. You can research foods that work naturally for depression too. Prayer is huge and God delivers us even from depression. The lies need to replaced with the Truth of God's word. Remember our fight is not against flesh and blood but against demons, powers/rulers of darkness, spiritual wickedness in heavenly places but through Christ we can conquor these enemies...even depression. See Ephesians 6. Look online at biblegateway.com and type in topical index help on depression and joy. In my book called "The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word" by Joyce Meyer has great scriptures for different needs. Here is a list she has under topic Depression. Deut 31:8; Psalm 3:3; Psalm 34:15, 17; Psalm 40:1-3; Psalm 42:5; Psalm 42:6, 8, 11; Psam 77: 1,2; Psalm 91:14, 16; Isaiah 54:4; Isaiah 60:1; 2 Cor 7:6; 1 Peter 5: 6,7. Read them over her and have her repeat/read them if she will. Also if you go to the doctor, through Medicare your mom may qualify to receive help through a physical theripist that would come in 2 to 3 times a week for a limited amount of time but may help in her disposition as exercise makes everyone feel better whether they like it or not. Hopefully it could encourage her to further care for herself. Through the county you can recieve information for help for someone coming into her home to assist you so you get a break too. Other people besides 1 caregiver can do wonders for everyone. You can also hire someone yourself and pay privately with your moms money. Church connections are a good source to advertize and also Christian newspapers in your area. My prayers are with and for you and your mom!

The advice from Jeanne Gibbs sounds right on the money--I'm sure professionals can help you deal with all of this. Taking a positive action could give you hope and help you feel less isolated in the situation. A therapist (psychiatrist) reminded me that I had to take care of my own health (physical and mental) or I wouldn't be able to care for my mother (who is 91, lives with me, and has had trouble with depression). That was good advice, because stress was getting the upper hand and making life for both of us just about unbearable. Mother's internist worked with us to find a prescription antidepressant that works for her--she'll never be cheery, but there was a big improvement. If you check in on your mother once a day, maybe you could have an agreement with her about when you'll come, how long you'll stay, and what you'll do when you come (tidy up, fix a meal, take care of chores that she is physically unable to do). Listening to music lifts my mom's mood--would your mother enjoy that? Anything to make your visits something to look forward to, or at least something tolerable, rather than something to dread. All easier said than done, I know. Good luck

I agree with quittykate, maybe a uti infection or low potassium. My mom just wanted to sit in her chair, and go to bed. I took her to the doc and they diagnosed uti and low potassium. Once she finished her first bottle of potassium, I almost wish she wouldn't have because now she is very active and wearing me down, but she feels better and thats the important thing. My mom is also a drug addict but I have told the doctors to take her off all the downer drugs they had her on. Now she only takes vicodin and I administer it to her twice a day. to tell the truth it does not sound like your mom should be living by herself.

I WOULD SPEAK TO HER DOCTOR MAKE AND APPOINTMENT AT HER AGE
SHE NEED YOUR SUPPORT, ALSO LIST OF MEDS, WRITE DOWN MEDICAL HISTORY AND WHAT YOU SEE ON A DAILY BASIS, I AM ON 12 YEARS TAKING OVER MOMS MEDS DUE ALZHERMIERS, SHE IS ON LAST STAGE, TAKE A STEP BACK , AND DEEP BREATH THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, BUT SOME TIMES YOU HAVE TO ALSO LOOK AT THIS AS WHAT IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND AND MOM WAS THE DAUGHTER AND I WAS MOM,
OR WHEN YOUR HER AGE , HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE,
BE REALISTIC WOULD WE NOT WANT SOME THERE TO ADVOCATE
FOR US AND ALL ELDERLY, WHAT ARE YOUR MOTHERS WISHES, MY MOTHER GAVE US HER WISHES IN 2003 MY FATHER DID IN 2002.
SHE WANTED TO BE AT HOME TO THE END , EACH DAY I TRY TO DO THE BEST I CAN FOR HER WE ARE ON HOSPICE AS APRIL 24, 2012, I QUIT MY JOB IN 2010 FEB, USE MY FAMILY LEAVE 12, I LIVE IN AUSTIN,TX. YOU HAVE
TO DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR MOM, HEALTH, MENTALLY, WRITE NOTES AND WHAT TIME MEDS TAKEN, ANTIDEPRESSANT SAME TIME EACH
DAY, ANY REACTION TO PILLS, ALL CAN EFFECT HER MOODS, NOT EATING RIGHT, START with her doctor first, CALL MAKE APPOINTMENT AND HAVE THEM MAKE NOTE OF WHY YOUR CALLING AND THAT YOU NEED HER TO BE CHECK OUT, ITS CRITICAL RIGHT AWAY, COULD START WITH DEMENTIA,
ALZHEIMER, DOCTOR ARE REALIZING THAT 15 TO 20 YEARS BEFORE
THE PERSON IS DIAGNOSED WITH THIS DISEASE, AND ONCE YOUR NOT AS MOBILE, AND DEPRESSION, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, CHOLESTEROL,
READ ARTICLES AREAAGENCYONAGING.COM
IN AUSTIN 11 YEARS AGE AND AREA ON AGENCY HAVE CONFERENCE
CHECK IN YOUR. AREA. I AM MEXICAN AMERICAN AND MOTHER SIDE TOOK
CARE OF EACH OTHER, MY GRAND MOTHER CARE FOR HER MOTHER,
MY MOTHER TOOK CARE OF HER MOTHER, NOW IT MY MOTHER,
BUT I AM NOT ALONE MY SON AND DAUGHTER HELP ME, AND PRAYERS!!
MY PRAYING THAT YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY, SIGNED MEXTEX!

Obviously I can add /share to the many experiences of those above. My simple suggestions are: Get her an antidepressant - Zoloft and Remeron seem to be specially effective. Get her on Medicaid. See if there are any lower income independent or assisted living facilities that take pets - many do. I think it's time for her to move and you can'mt worry if she fights it. NO nursing home- just assisted or indep. senior housing. THen get some home health aide and you'll be much better and so will she! My mom was failing fast till I switched her zoloft to Remeron. After many years the zoloft just pooped out=it happens. Now she ordered a pizza, is less self centered and actually sounds cheery!

Have you tried talking with her Physician ?
She may do well with a mild anti depressant as many elders do need.
It is common for the elderly to be depressed, especially when living alone.
Your Senior Center may have volunteers that come into the home for "friendly visits".
Have you tried calling the 211 info line as they may have some suggestions of Senior help ( Healthy Aging, etc. ) programs for your Mom.
Best wishes.

Just one simple thing helped me with my depression. Vitamin D otc pills. It might help. Good luck. I feel you're pain. I understand.

I have just completed a 6 week Caregiving Support class thru the local Aging Resource Center. It was very helpful to me. Just hearing others stories..also your Mom isn't going to change her ways. This I found out with my 83 yr old sister. I changed how I adjust to her. This class taught me so much. Hope you give it a try in your area.

It sounds to me, Deb, like your mom is probably suffering from dementia as well as all her other physical issues. I know that makes my mom fiddle with things that she shouldn't be messing with, it's just her desire to do something, anything that causes those behaviors. The dementia has robbed mom of actually knowing how things work, even simple household items such as the t.v. remote, the microwave, even answering her phone. So, perhaps it's not really that she doesn't want to do things, perhaps she just can't remember how so it's easier to just sit and do nothing. My mom does at least like to read and I keep her in plenty of reading materials, but she will spend her day sitting and reading. At least my mom lives with me, makes some things more difficult, but others (such as house cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.) easieir because I'm only doing for one house, not two. My prayers are with you and your mom, keep coming back here, it's a great place to vent and get some really good advice!

@deb0452 I have just been reading about your situation. You can try to call her doctor or someone in the community for aging parents and get some help. It is ridiculous what some of us have to go through. I am a very compassionate person and will help anyone but when it comes time that the person I am caring from gets angry at me and does a bunch of crazy things it is time for the professionals to take over. I feel for you. I know what you are going through and it is not easy. We are raised to love and obey our parents but what is there to do when they abuse us when we are tending to them? It is insane and the longer it goes on the worst it gets. If she is unreasonable when you are doing everything you can for her then maybe it is time for her to go to the nursing home or an assisted living facility. A person can only take so much and then they have to live as well. I suggest to you that you take a stand before this situation is unbearable in which it sounds like it is. I am going through some of the similar things as you at this time so I know what you are going through. Just know you are not alone. I send you some healing prayers today for you to get some rest. Blessings

As far as I know mom was not tested for UTI. Should I ask her doc for one? I think her next appt is in Jan. I dont go to church cuz it is way too far for me to walk. I have no "close" friends here. Like I said the people I talk too just say they are so sorry Im going thru this by myself.The one lady who I see once a week can relate cuz her dad was like this till he passed. Nobody can seem to help me get outta this mess. I was actually thinking abt selling my house(at a loss) & leaving town. I dont feel I should have to do that. I love my home.Besides Im getting old too. Why should I uproot myself over this? I actually had my daughter,son-in-law,& grandchild move down here couple years ago. They are on medicaid. They actually helped relieve stress a little bit but then mother felt no way should I be happy with help & they left. My daughters car ended up being repo'ed. What a mess! So now Im stuck again with no help. Mother couldnt care less. Yesterday she says she will pack a little bag to go to hospital. I didnt say anything. I cant run outta there fast enough. What does she expect from me????

Regarding the depression, have you had your mom tested for a UTI? My mom was laying around and not wanting to do anything. She had never been a real "joiner" but this was excessive even for her. She was tested for a Urinary Tract Infection and found positive. As the Antibiotics cleared it up, her personality came back to normal (for her). It is amazing what a UTI can do to an elederly person. Good luck.

Your situation is close to my own, the difference being that you live separate from each other, which probably makes things a bit easier to take. Mother has been living under my roof for the last three years, and slowly going downhill in the last months. Last week she was diagnosed with COPD, which is partly aggravated by her just lying in her bed all day; she has arthritis in hips and legs and can't get around without a walker. Even before she moved in I would spend all day, every day with her, letting my own son fend for himself.
Seems our differences are just grating more and more. Mother is very tidy and organized, I am more lick-and-a-promise, which works out as well as you'd think. Sometimes you can't do enough, can't ever do enough. Don;t know what to advise about the medicines, we just started Spiriva this week and already Mother says she doesn't like it, wants to just stay on her little atomizer.
Question: If she were able to go, would a short stay in hospital actually help your mother? If she has real difficulties she might listen to a professional, even if he says the same things you do. Also, you'd get a much needed break in the constant caring and assuring.
Your neighborhood sounds sad, not unlike my own. People tend to keep to themselves and take care of themselves here, tho I've hardly been cordial these last months, staying in with Mother all the time. Do you have any friends, any one in church you can talk to?

The hospital talk drives me crazy, too. My mother did that for a couple of years. During some times, almost every day she would say she was going to probably have to go to the hospital, then start packing her suitcase. Nothing would be particularly wrong. I would ask her why, and she would say because her back hurt or her leg felt funny. I told her that people didn't go to the ER for that, that the ER was for people with heart attacks, strokes, trauma, or something really serious. Often we would compromise and go to her doctor. This got to be very time consuming and expensive for taxpayers. Since I took charge of her medications it doesn't happen anymore. Improperly used drugs can certainly cause problems.

Is it Xanax your mother is wanting? Doctors are getting more cautious with prescribing it now. I wish I could think of some magic solution for your mother. The only thing I can think is that I hope you can find a way to help without enabling her behavior. From what you wrote, it sounds like she may actually be better off living in a facility, but I know she won't go for that. You probably won't be able to control what she does, but you can control what you are willing to do for her. The behaviors can really devour your time if you let them.

So yesterday morning went over there,made breakfast,cleaned,mopped,walked the dog & sat and read paper with her. It was almost 12:30pm when I left. I cant just sit around like she does all day & do nothing! So I told her Im going to go and paint(inside) and will be back later. So after cleaning my own home & stuff I go back over to walk the dog. It's about 5:30pm. So here she is just sitting in her rocker sniffling as usual & says will I heat her up some dinner. So of course I do and as soon as I give it to her she says well I'll probably be in the hospital tonite cuz Im sick. So I say what is wrong with you? Im sick Debbie!!! Ok I say(I know her meds were wearing off). She is such a drama queen & lies lies up the wazoo! So she says she fell.Mind you she has a walker & cane right in front of her. So I ask her where did you fall? She points. What did you hurt? My elbow. Why arent you using your cane or walker? I dont feel like it. Oh ok. I gotta walk the dog. I come back. She is messing around with her oxygen concentrator. I startled her. I said what are you doing??? She says it's broke. IT CANT BREAK!
She turned it all the way down so it wouldnt put out oxygen! So I turned it back up & told her to LEAVE IT ALONE! So she says well I will probably be in the hospital tonite but I dont know how they will get in. I told her well tell them to call me & wake me up. So I just left! So as of now 7:21am nobody has been over there. See how she is?! My nerves are shot! Here I have planned a nice Thanksgiving dinner for 2 & all she talks about is being in the hospital. I finally got her to admit that she just wants to go there cuz she needs more drugs. Have you ever heard such nonsense? Her pcp wont prescribe them anymore to her so her solution is to go to the hospital. So how could I make sure that this psycho doesnt get any "crazy" drugs in the hospital. She is very good at lying & making the docs think she is sick! Help!!!

I believe strongly that you said a real truth when you stated, "So its just me & mom rotting away down here with no help. I cry an awful lot by myself. Maybe I need the pills." Sweatheart, I know where you are coming from and yes, you very definately need counseling and someone to support and guide your thoughts. I could not get through this journey without the strong support I have during the constant trials I have encountered. Stop now and research how to find support for yourself. You are dealing with a lot more challenges than is she.

Thank you for some answers. 1st off I dont drive cuz of some bad experiences I had & also my eyesight is not what it used to be. I personally only get out once or twice a week to shop for groceries for myself & mother.The neighborhood I live in everybody keeps to themselves. I am a very friendly & outgoing person & I feel like nobody wants to get involved with me cuz of my mother. Nobody comes out of their houses here! Im 60yr old & once in a blue moon I'll try to walk to the corner CVS which is on a busy street. Nobody pays attention to a pedestrian & some suv clipped me one day & nobody got out of their cars to see if I was ok. Isnt this a sad place to live? I was totally shaken up & cried all over the place. So yes sometimes I just stay by myself all day too. All my friends live out of state so I dont see anybody much. My sibs are scattered out of state also & they just dont have the time. Sorry Deb,you live there is their answer. So its just me & mom rotting away down here with no help. I cry an awful lot by myself. Maybe I need the pills.Lol. They say the Lord doesnt give you more than you can handle. I dont know anymore. I got some lady to give Mom a ride to docs a couple times but Mom doesnt want to pay people. Isnt that a hoot! My mother thinks that her retired daughter up north should just come down here whenever she wants to go to the store or someplace. My sister is a married woman with grandkids & doesnt think she should spend all that money for a car & plane trip to drive Mother to Walmart! Come On! I told mother that too. She says she dont care. That is how she is. I told her she is a very selfish woman & she needs to stop thinking that it is all about her! Sorry but that is true. She couldnt care less. So yesterday I let her do her own chores. When I dropped off her groceries she just says thanks. I left. Later I took the dog for a walk & said goodnite. I just wish she would find somebody to help her out & leave me to deal with my own problems. Any thoughts?

Yours is a difficult situation, deb. I don't think there are any easy answers. Many elders choose to live in misery, and often it is a long-term lifestyle. You can say, "Get up, get out" every few minutes, but it isn't going to change the behavior. Sometimes we have to accept that this is where they are and they are not going to fit into our ideas of what would be better for them. We have to work with what we have and make decisions based on that.

Many older people also think there is magic in pills. If something hurts, take a pill. If sugar is too high, take a pill. Feel a bit nervous, take a pill. Unfortunately, many have not learned how behaviors can regulate our chemistry and mood. Does your mother get a good diet? I know she doesn't exercise much, but is there a way to get her to do a few things, e.g. laundry, washing dishes, sweeping? There are many simpler things that will get her moving around a bit and aren't too demanding on the balance and back.

Is there a reason you don't drive? How do you get around? I was thinking that if you were a little less available, your mother might decide she needs to do a bit more for herself. Everyone needs to be productive, so it would be good for her to do things for herself when possible. Doing too much for her seems nice at the moment, but the long-term effect can be just the opposite. Try to get her engaged in doing simple chores.

I don't know if these things will help or just create more frustration. I do think you need to take care of yourself. We caregivers, for some reason, tend to pull in to ourselves. I know I do it and it is a bad thing. We can't become so focused on the lives of our parents that we neglect our own lives. I think it is important that we close the door on our parents sometimes, stop living their lives, and start living our own.

Yes, contact the Counsel on Aging. Mom probably needs to apply for Medicaid at this point, and needs more help than you can provide.

I think that she needs to see a geriatric psychiatrist to deal with the depression and the otc pill abuse. Depression is such a sad and insidious disease. If she could get some effective help for that her situation and yours would be greatly improved.

Getting Mom to the psychiatrist might not be easy. It is hard to help someone who refuses help. Do your best and don't beat yourself up over what you can't control.

The behavior you can control is your own. Take care of yourself. Don't let Mom take you down with her. Look into outside help. Cut back on what you do, whether she accepts help or not. There is a fine line between helping her and enabling her to continue unhealthy behavior.

Best wishes to you as you struggle with this.

If meant "if" her spirit heals ... Sorry for the typo.

Nearby churches can be a great resource. Reach out to them and don't be afraid to ask for help that clearly none of you can afford. Maybe is her spirit heals a little bit that might give her the inner strength to cope with medical conditions that'd make anyone give up. Still, taking it out on you isn't fair. You don't deserve it. Make sure she knows that.