Follow
Share

Hi I need help!! My father in law lives on the same property as myself and husband. They run a business together so his dad pays his salary. His dad has one of the highest depressions you get but he is treating us like dogs, he has no respect for us. He eats at our house every night I cook for him I do everything for him and he still treats me and my husband like sh**. His dad does not want us to get our own place to stay to start a family otherwise we are leaving him alone on the property. He said to my husband if we get our own place he is going to cut his salary. He thinks the world owes him something all the time. He is never happy, he hates it when people are laughing or are happy. My husband is at such point where he is so depressed because of his dad. We want to try for a baby now but his dad just comes into our house when he wants to, it got so bad that I had to put sticks in the locks so that he can’t come in. his dad was a drunk on your wedding and he told me in front of everyone in church that I’m taking his f**** son away from him. Nothing pleases him he never thanks me for anything because he expects it from me to do everything for him. And my husband is trying to run the business but his dad is always giving him sh**. The thing is I want to open my mouth and say what I want to say to him but my husband is scared he will do something to himself then everyone is going to blame us. I don’t even have a say in what to do in our garden. I just don’t know what to do anymore and it’s always the some things he is moaning about, he has no one he is alone. He has no friends his only daughter left because he is so demanding. We can’t go on holiday because then we are leaving him. He has so much to be happy about but nothing satisfy him. You always the wrong one he is always right and he is the Boss. i have said to my husband that his father has done so much wrong that i don't see him as a dad he has to earn it PLEASE any advise?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
A1226

Both, father and son need to be honest with themselves. They need to be seen by mental health experts. Therapy, counseling, medication.
You need to have a ♥2♥ talk with your husband.
When you took your wedding vows, he PROMISED to love and to cherish you.
Well... he is not.
Bla bla, yadda yadda about the business. Tool fil is using to abuse his power over HIS SON IF SON ALLOWS IT.
FIL shouldn't have any power over YOU!

Legal separation until hubby wakes up to your miserable current reality?

Yup, I agree, no baby. Baby deserves a peaceful loving calm quiet environment! !!!

YOU TAKE CARE PLEASE!

M88
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your FIL is basically a bully. He is depressed and threatened by everything so he has to control everything. But you do not need to reinforce this. Move away, see if your husband can get another job and he will probably fall apart. Once has has started to fall apart there will be an opening where is armor is cracked -- then you can fill the crack with love, and setting your own boundaries, create a new relationship with him. If that effort doesn't work, see if your husband would be willing to break all ties. You don't need a mean, control freak in your life.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

yes, someone above asked why are you still married. if you're husband can't get out of this very abusive situation...why don't you leave!?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with everyone. Its time to break away. Your husband can get another job and so can you. I wouldn't say anything till its all worked out. You are being blackmailed and controlled. This isno situation to starta family in. You need to get on your own two feet. When everything is in place, then tell your father in law. You can make up some meals and freeze them to hold him over till he can do for himself or hire someone. He can make a sandwich, heat up a can of soup and open a box of cereal.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Anonymous, Could you check back in with us here, start a two-way conversation, lets us help you in some way?
I hesitate to advise you, not yet getting to know you fully. However, it appears you are in the age group to start a family.
My advise is to never co-mingle a job, with housing. Then to add to the mix a Fil who is that abusive and dysfunctional is an untenable situation.
It appears to me that husband is not receiving enough salary to provide for you and a new family. Any 'discount' on rent or free housing is just not worth it. Sounds a lot like you are being blackmailed by a narcissist, and husband is not providing for you, nor protecting you. Where was husband when you had to put sticks in the locks? Is this for real?
Take the income, get a job if you must. ( you are no longer working for Fil-did you ever agree to this anyway?), and get an apartment a.s.a.p. Husband can come home to you on the weekends? Pretend you are just starting out as newlyweds and have to start on a small budget-because you are, lol.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

find a place of your own....do not give father in law a key, let your hubby start own business or find another place that deals with what is knowledgable in and cut ties with father in law. he will soon find out just who is doing what. I know easier said than done, but wow......I am surprised you are still married....wishing you the best of luck........and no one can take advantage of you unless you allow them to do so.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sounds like dad has chemical abuse and is toxic...give him the choice of long term treatment and counseling for a chance of quality life...or he loses people who care and deserve a quality life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

OOOPS... HARD TO LEAVE, but you don't have children!! you both will be fine if you both work....anything is better than what you are getting!! can you get away for several days so that your husband can see what's it's like to be away from the idiot father??? Get your husband on antidepressants!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

WOW terrible abuse from a miserable father!!! I had a taste of this from an uncle that would say terrible things to people because he ruled with his money and inheritence!! To make a long story short...he said one more thing to me that killed me when he was in the hospital!!! i was soooooooooo furious...i told him to get screewed...and never saw him again!!! He died two months later!!! he did not take me off his trust, because he knew HE WAS WRONG!! Anyway....nothing will change as long as your husband works for him!!! I KNOW IT'S INCREDIBLE HARD TO LEAVE
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It's none of my business, but I can't help but implore you to delay having a baby. It's a toxic situation that you three are living in and until you or your husband or both of you change it, it's no place to bring a baby home to.

Again, none of my business, but you came here looking for advice. Here it is...If you don't have a job, get one. Whatever your husband does for his father's business, encourage him to find a job doing it somewhere else or for himself alone. You can't change your father-in-law. If you're waiting for him to some day wake up and realize he's a narcissistic monster, you're going to wait forever. Once you and your husband can independently support yourselves, you can set whatever boundaries you decide you need.

Your husband sounds like the product of a childhood filled with manipulation. He's afraid if he stands up to his father, that his father will "do something to himself" If he had had a healthy childhood, his response to that threat would have been to schedule his dad for an appointment with a psychiatrist or the family doctor.

Find a way for your husband and you to get some counseling from someone who can help you both get some objectivity about the situation you're living with.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Can your husband search for other employment? I think it's the only way to stop the blackmail.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Oh my dear, this is such an unhealthy relationship. I think you and your husband need to work out an exit plan. Perhaps a job somewhere else, or strike out on own if running a business is for you( not everyone can do it). He own daughter got away now its time to end his hold on your family. I agree until you get out starting a family is not a good idea, you first need to be healthy independant adults before you bring a child into the mix. His father may never change so your hubby needs to decide you and a family or his father. Your FIL may threaten to harm himself but that is a tool to manipulate your husband. Dont allow your family to suffer anymore, if dad wont get help you need to move on and have a happy life. Everyone deserves that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Why are you putting up with this?

Why is your husband allowing this kind of treatment of his wife? Why is he taking it himself?

When you answer those questions you'll have some clues about what to do next.

Is the motivation here mostly financial? Running a business is awesome experience. Could your husband find other employment at a comparable salary? Perhaps with the idea of someday owning and running his own business? Dad can't threaten to cut his salary if Dad isn't his boss. If the fear that is keeping you under Dad's thumb is financial, I'd re-think that very hard. A healthy young couple should be able to support themselves without Daddy in the picture. It sounds like the present situation is miserable and unhealthy. Is the financial advantage really worth living like this?

Or is it Dad's health that is the big scare factor? You can't leave him and stand up for yourselves because he is depressed and he might kill himself? Nobody wants that to happen, I am sure. I have been in relationships twice in my life where someone has threatened suicide to try to hold on to me. OMG -- that is the pits! I can sympathize with you thoroughly. But Dad's mental health is not your responsibility. Depression can be treated -- not by a DIL but by professionals who specialize in treating this disease. It would be a kindness if you could encourage Dad to get treatment. Consider writing to his doctor and list the symptoms. The doc may not be able to discuss it with you, but can still read your description. As your alternate arrangements start coming together, perhaps you should talk to APS. Explain that Dad is depressed, that you will be leaving the property, and you are worried about him.

Emotional blackmail with the implied or literal threat of suicide is cruel. Of course you do not want to "cause" Dad to harm or kill himself. But keep firmly in mind that your are not and cannot be responsible for his mental health.

Because this is a long-standing problem and a very tough one, you and your husband should consider some counseling to help you deal with it. Not that there is something "wrong" with you that needs to be fixed, just that you deserve all the support you can get right now.

Why are you putting up with this intolerable situation? When you figure that out, I'll bet you'll have some clues about what to do to change things.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Wow. Would your husband go with you too see a therapist? He's really not an adult, your husband. He's a little boy, emotionally, afraid of what Daddy will say and do. I would not think of bringing a child into an abusive, boundary-less family situation like this.

If your "husband" won't go to therapy with you, go alone and find out why you are willing to settle for this untenable situation.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.