Dementia certainly effects the bonds the sufferer has with their family. The children need to come to terms with the fact that the person with dementia is no longer the same person and is not "responsible" for their behavior. It is all too sadly common for them to be accusatory, manipulative and hurtful. The children need to accept that this is the dementia talking and not to take it personally. Learn ways to deflect the inappropriate comments. Don't argue. Don't take it personally (easier said than done, I know!). Distract. Change the topic.
Until I read others comments, I was unable to recognize it as a disability. I have better insight with alternatives for handling our mother. Many thanks for sincere comments!
Yes, you're right. All reasoning flies the coop with dementia and everyone suffers...the elder with dementia and the family members suffering the repercussions of their unfiltered words and hurtful behavior all the time.
You're best off to limit your contact with your mother and ignore whatever she says and does that hurts your feelings when you do interact. It's very difficult, I know. My demented mother spends her time trying to get other family members to take her in to live with them and then getting seriously angry and full of angst when they don't agree to. Then I'm the big bad guy for making her "live in a hotel" which is really a memory care assisted living residence where she's been living since 2015! She expects me to take her in when she's incontinent, wheelchair bound, has fallen 74x, and suffering from advanced dementia. The whole scene is a mess for all of us, no matter how much we do for her. It's never enough and she's always miserable and complaining, which would be the case no matter WHERE she lived! She expects 24/7 entertainment and to be waited on hand and foot by servants which is unrealistic anywhere on earth. Such is the nature of dementia. An ugly thing for all family members to suffer with. Whether the behaviors are "intentional" or not, and I believe many of them ARE, they're very tough to deal with and it's terribly frustrating. What we deal with and our feelings should never be minimized. When they are, it's by those who don't have to deal with daily agony of it all! Especially for those caring for demented elders at home......I don't know how you all do it.
Wishing you the best of luck navigating the land mines of dementia.
You (and the LOs of the person with dementia) need to remember that the former person is still in there. They aren't doing any of those behaviors intentionally. It's hard for everyone.
I agree with dementia reasoning ability leaves which can be followed by all sorts of troubling behavior. I believe in some cases they know something is wrong and they are fighting like hell to not give up their independence or let others know what is wrong.
As dementia progresses they forget they can't reason - their brain tells them otherwise and others esp LOs are so wrong in their eyes. It's not unusual for accusations to be made of someone stealing their things - when often they've hidden them then forget they hid them, therefore it was stolen. They can have delusions, auditory and visual hallucinations - people coming into their living space that don't belong there and are out to get them or again steal from them.
Has she received a dementia diagnosis? If not you may want her referred to a neurologist specializing in dementias to have a more extensive evaluation done - pinning down what type of dementia is at work. Do you research on dementia in general. You will also need to learn techniques to cope.
Don't argue - you won't get anywhere - her mind is where it is and nothing is going to change her mind. Practice giving non-committal answers and try and move her attention elsewhere. Your primary job is not to keep her safe. At this point most everything except health and safety are small stuff so try and let as much go as you can.
At some point it may be too much to keep her home so make plans for what will happen next - MC, SNC/LTC/NH. Try not to take her behavior personally, she may no longer be able to help what she says or does. You can try and say that what you said to me is so hurtful, please don't do it again - but if her short term memory is shot - she won't remember.
Your profile doesn't state that your mom has dementia, but you did list your post under that as one of the headings, so I can only assume that she does. If your mom in fact has been diagnosed with one of the dementias, you would be correct in saying that her reasoning is void. There is no reasoning with someone with dementia, as logic doesn't live there any more. And being accusatory can be part of it as well, as often times folks with dementia become paranoid. You have to try and not take what she says so personal, as it's no longer your mom speaking, as her brain is broken and it will only continue to get worse. The best thing that you and your family can do now is to educate yourselves about dementia, and all it entails. You can start with some great videos from Teepa Snow on YouTube, and also the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well. The more you know, the better equipped you will be in dealing with her. God bless you.
Good luck.
You're best off to limit your contact with your mother and ignore whatever she says and does that hurts your feelings when you do interact. It's very difficult, I know. My demented mother spends her time trying to get other family members to take her in to live with them and then getting seriously angry and full of angst when they don't agree to. Then I'm the big bad guy for making her "live in a hotel" which is really a memory care assisted living residence where she's been living since 2015! She expects me to take her in when she's incontinent, wheelchair bound, has fallen 74x, and suffering from advanced dementia. The whole scene is a mess for all of us, no matter how much we do for her. It's never enough and she's always miserable and complaining, which would be the case no matter WHERE she lived! She expects 24/7 entertainment and to be waited on hand and foot by servants which is unrealistic anywhere on earth. Such is the nature of dementia. An ugly thing for all family members to suffer with. Whether the behaviors are "intentional" or not, and I believe many of them ARE, they're very tough to deal with and it's terribly frustrating. What we deal with and our feelings should never be minimized. When they are, it's by those who don't have to deal with daily agony of it all! Especially for those caring for demented elders at home......I don't know how you all do it.
Wishing you the best of luck navigating the land mines of dementia.
As dementia progresses they forget they can't reason - their brain tells them otherwise and others esp LOs are so wrong in their eyes. It's not unusual for accusations to be made of someone stealing their things - when often they've hidden them then forget they hid them, therefore it was stolen. They can have delusions, auditory and visual hallucinations - people coming into their living space that don't belong there and are out to get them or again steal from them.
Has she received a dementia diagnosis? If not you may want her referred to a neurologist specializing in dementias to have a more extensive evaluation done - pinning down what type of dementia is at work. Do you research on dementia in general. You will also need to learn techniques to cope.
Don't argue - you won't get anywhere - her mind is where it is and nothing is going to change her mind. Practice giving non-committal answers and try and move her attention elsewhere. Your primary job is not to keep her safe. At this point most everything except health and safety are small stuff so try and let as much go as you can.
At some point it may be too much to keep her home so make plans for what will happen next - MC, SNC/LTC/NH. Try not to take her behavior personally, she may no longer be able to help what she says or does. You can try and say that what you said to me is so hurtful, please don't do it again - but if her short term memory is shot - she won't remember.
Good luck.
SHOULD HAVE READ: Your primary job is to keep safe.
So, So, Sorry.
You have to try and not take what she says so personal, as it's no longer your mom speaking, as her brain is broken and it will only continue to get worse.
The best thing that you and your family can do now is to educate yourselves about dementia, and all it entails. You can start with some great videos from Teepa Snow on YouTube, and also the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well. The more you know, the better equipped you will be in dealing with her. God bless you.