Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
but when they do ask same thing over and over, really, you cant get mad at this, ( not you personally, in general) just answer like you did first 20 times. or answer her different, see if she looks at you different, that way you know shes playing with you a little.. i think they test/play with us, like kids would do...they go back to infant almost before death. we start out in diapers, we end up in diapers... we should all buy stock in diaper companys...
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

instead of explaining to her why the doc cant fix her, try saying something like ,'yeah mom, we got an appt next week, remember?' if her memorys not that good..
my mom used to swear on a bible that the president would always come for sunday dinner. ( she thought swarzenegger was president,when she'd see his pic) my dad would go nuts trying to explain why this could not be, i told dad ,'as long as shes not making threats because he didnt show up, were ok.) trying to joke a bit. but when she would tell me how they had a lovely time sunday, id just say ' oh yeah? what did you guys eat?' cool!! that sounds really good, any left overs?' this made her happy....at least she'd smile and not harp on it...when she talked about 'the guy that did that thing over there, remember?'; id be like ' oh yeah, i remember him, he wasnt very nice;'. people in the room would look at me like i was nuts, but it made her happy... if shes happy, thats a good thing, right?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My Mom has dementia. She will continually ask the same question sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. it is not that she does not like the answer-although I am sure a lot of times she does not-she truly does not remember asking the question in the first place. This is a nasty disease that robs people of their ability to function "normally" whatever that is. She is losing her eyesight too to a condition for which there is no treatment. sometimes she will ask me 3 or 4 times in a day to go see the doctor so they can "fix" her eyes. When i expain to her each time that it will do no good to go see the doctor she says-then i am going blind?? I will assure her she will keep her perifial vision and not go totally blind and she seems to accept that answer then. 2 hours later she will call me and ask to go see the eye doctor. She has no memory of our conversation. Time has no frame of reference for her at all. I hope this helps you reallize that noi, they are not necessarily trying to manipulate you to get the answer they want. They truly do not remember from one minute to the next that the question was ever asked.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

oh, about asking same thing over and over, i think they hear the answer for like a second, then forget. thats why they ask again, its as if they cant access the answer you just said, but you cant get frustrated with that one. just answer her as if its the first time she asked..
after all, we all do that sometimes. picture youve got 3 projects going at once, someone askes you something, do you always remember what they asked? have you ever walked into a room and thought, 'now what did i walk in here for?' we all do that.
i also notice that its like the more alzheimers sets in, the brain starts 'dumping' un-necissary information, like they dont need to remember what color car they had when they were 32, the brain starts losing knowledge it no longer needs. the brain goes into 'limp home mode' as my car manuel says, its just enough to get you there.
basicly thats why they dont recognise people they havent seen in a while, the brain is dying out with the body, so it only retains the knowledge it needs.i also think that the brain is preparing for death, thats why they get the stare...that glassy eyed stare is being 'reborn' if you will, on the other side.. thats what i think, im not a doctor, just an observer..
its like a chandelier. people are the bulbs. each bulb that goes out is a person they no longer recognize.. so if you havent seen granny in 20 years, yeah, she doesnt know you.your bulb went out and it wont come back on.so while they still do recognize you, make sure you keep your bulb lit. make sure you stick around that person because it must be scary to not know people who say they are your loved ones, but if they have one person they do recognize, keep close to them. once your bulb goes out, its out.. hope that made sense
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

thats exactly what i think. i watched my mom go through alzheimers/dementia, but since she was so sick, she was in a hospitol. but my dad, 86 is doing exactly how you describe, its as if hes in his 20,with the argument attitude/style of a kid, i think they do revert back to earlier times/age, im not sure proper terminology here, but ive noticed the very same thing in dad
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Tracy, this is a question I can really relate to. My Mom, with moderate non-Alz dementia, lives with my husband and me, and lately I had begun to wonder if she was actually FAKING some of her forgetfulness just because she wanted attention immediately instead of waiting. Such as: she has a cat (she lives in a separated suite w/ living, bedroom, and bathroom) and interacts with us in our part of the house whenever she wants to. But she constantly comes out of her "apt" and requests more canned cat food. (the cat has kibbles always available, but I monitor the canned food) I tell her it's not feeding time yet, but I will see that kitty gets fed when it's time. FIVE minutes later she's back again, asking for the cat food. This goes on and on and on, until I finally give in to the request and give the cat more food. Then she's quiet and happy. She doesn't get belligerent about it, but is just annoying, like a pestering two-year old. If I lose patience and say, Mom, I just TOLD you that it's not time for kitty to be fed yet," she says, "I don't remember that you told me that." I would think she was pretending not to remember, and just wanted her way without waiting. And I was beginning to feel that she is self-centered, and always thinking about her needs, even though I may tell her one day that I'm not feeling well, so we won't be able to do such and such this morning, and ten minutes later she's asking me what we're going to do for the day for HER entertainment, because she's bored. I would feel frustrated, and couldn't understand how she could only think about her own needs, like a self-centered child.
After reading the comments above, from Jeanne and Cwac, I feel somewhat ashamed of my thoughts that my Mom is faking it, and selfish. I'm glad I saw this posting, because it has brought me a greater understanding of what the illness is doing to my sweet Mom's brain. (She really is a sweet Mom.)
Thanks for the question, Tracy, and thanks for the good and helpful responses.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Tracy, here's my take: Regardless of the reasons behind the husband's demands, your relative must protect her own health and sanity. Hubby does not recognize his limits (very common with dementia) and it sounds like your relative does not recognize her limits (very common in caregivers!). My husband has dementia and I would love to be SuperWife. Alas, that hasn't worked out so well.

If you can help your relative recognize her own limits and that she is a wonderful caregiver even if she can't be SuperWife and do everything Hubby wants done, that would be a kindness. And she needs to take care of herself whether he is deliberately manipulating her or he can't help it and the dementia is driving him.

If you do get a more specific tentative diagnosis, that would help you learn more. Absolute diagnoses are only possible via a brain autospy, but usually an educated guess can be made by professionals.

Good luck to all of you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks for the feedback. The person I was speaking about is the second husband of a relative of mine. He knows that he has dementia but is in denial about his limitations. I am concerned for my relative because she was often manipulated by her husband prior to the onset of his dementia and she is having a hard time standing her ground with him now that he has dementia. It got to the point that she ran herself ragged taking care of him. Finally, she ended up in the hospital and he in a nursing home. She now lives with us and he lives in a nursing home nearby. What prompted my post are situations like this: If she tells him she will visit him tomorrow, he remembers she's coming. If she is unable to visit because she is in dialysis, he calls and calls and calls asking if she will visit and gets short tempered about her not coming. If she caves in a tries to visit even though she's exhausted from dialysis, he stops asking. I just don't know what to make of situations like this and want to protect my relative from being manipulated into overdoing it and hurting her own health again.

I am also frustrated because we have not been told what type of dementia he even has, other than it is not Alzheimers. He is scheduled for a test to determine the severity of his dementia next month. I hope that we find out his type so that we can arm ourselves with information.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

It really isnt manipulation, but as the dementia progresses they become more and more self centered. They do not like to be told what to do, or to be told no, etc.. They can become paranoid and feel that those around them are not telling them the truth. In their minds they are right..."I did wash up and changed my clothes this morning" " No I didnt take my pills yet" etc..etc..etc.. It is the disease talking. No one is immune when they have Dementia, the nicest and sweetest person in the world becomes someone else with Dementia.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Tracy, I've seen this pattern often, and it makes me very sad and frustrated. A relative or friend or bystander does not believe that the patient really has something wrong with his brain, does not accept that the patient cannot control his forgetfulness, and is suspicious that the person is faking it or using it to deliberately manipulate others.

No. People with dementia do not keep track of how many times they've asked a question, or if they ask it more under some conditions than other others. An outsider may make these observations but that doesn't mean the dementia person is doing it consciously.

My heart breaks for the person with dementia who is treated with suspicion.

The kind of dementia my husband has -- Lewy Body Dementia -- is characterized by fluctuations in cognitive ability. When people with this disease are in a care center that has not handled it before and has not made an effort to learn about it, staff sometimes accuse them of faking it. How can they not know how to do that this afternoon when they could do it this morning? They must just be trying to manipulate us. I've heard about this from fellow caregivers frustrated at how a care center is handling their loved ones more than once. Sad, sad, sad.

In any kind of dementia, there are ups and downs. There are things the person can do and other things they can't. There is not a uniform level of disability across all aspects of mental activity.

Sometimes even new caregivers can't accept the reality of their loved one's dementia. A wife will be outraged that her husband is behaving this way because she knows perfectly well he could do better if he tried -- he could do better yesterday. Sigh.

Sorry. This question pushed one of my hot buttons!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Good question. I have a resident who is similar to this scenario. I'm not sure about the repeating questions, I would assume when they have that short term memory loss, the time between remembering and forgetting, they don't argee with your answer they may ask it again, OR, they want reassurance. The last part about going back in time, I would have to disagree that they act out their last memory. I have a few resident who go far back as being a child and looking for their mothers house and carrying babies around. I would surely think that your memory doesn't stop at childhood. Also, I have a resident who has severe dementia and his daughters will come in and see him. A few hours later when I do care on him I will ask him if he saw them today and he will say yes, but he doesn't know their names. I don't think these people are taking advantage of their illness at all, I truly believe that this is the process of brain degeneration. This is only my opinion, I'm not a doctor. Hope it kind of makes sense.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Does he know he has m/Dementia or live in a faciliaty that cares 4 people like him,where he can learn how to manipulate people to get his way,I do'nt like to put it that way,but I can see it happen. The ? I must ask is, whether u can see episodes he manuveres,himself into a position where other people feel bad 4 him & just say yes,or he does'nt know what he's doing in any thing
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter