Why does dementia seem to take over not only the patients life, but loved ones around also?

@ Jackiebquick, I get it! You are very intuned...we are more humane to animals in the end love has EVERYTHING to do with it

First, I commend you for helping your mom at such a critical time in her life. I was in your position for 9 years and even though I had two other siblings helping out it was as you said very exhuasting and consuming. It affected every area of my life until I was on automatic pilot. I had my system down and just functioned that way for years until my mom made her transition 3 years ago. I also want to tell you that I am still overwhelmed and exhausted now that I am trying to pick up my life and carry on without her. She was such an important part of my life-I miss her terribly especially with her birthday coming up tomorrow-July 4. I said all of the above to say you will not regret the time you spent with your mom and though she may not be able to tell you, she appreciates what you are doing for her. So take a deep breath, and catch a minute or two for yourself and depend on your faith, and friends to help you thru.

It's awful to watch your parent change from a strong figure to a weak and totally dependent soul. My mom has said mean things but before she sunk into dementia she almost never had a harsh word for anyone. Hearing ugly things from her is jarring to say the least. We must indeed remember that it is the nature of their illness that let's them act that way. Also you must remember to care for yourself and other loved ones around you. Many thanks to everyone who posts here and shares their advice and gives their support. You are all gems.

Thank you for helping see and think straight about what is happening to my mom and that other have gone through as well. I often feel alone helping hervwith my life. I hope never feel any regrets. I do forgive my mom for all the crazy things she writesbto others about me(she can't speak any more which breaks my heart). but just the same I love her and I know for certain when the time does come and she leaves me I know for certain I will feel broken. She is my strength and backbone. I learned everything from her in raising my adopted daughter as an older parent. I Knew nothing about raising a baby. I give her all the credit for the first 10 yrs of my daughters life. She truly inspires me. Its just sooooooooooooo difficult for me to watch her become so fragile. I do forgive her because like everyone has said she does not know what she is saying but truly does love me and appreciates all that I do for her.

I know I am coming late to the party and all... but if any of you are teetering on the brink of insanity, go now, get help. I know because I care for both my in laws - they live next door. Mom has ALz and Dad is just very um slow and both are physically very needy. My SIL has been my main support at least at a distance. We have a large family and support is OK. My own kids take time round the clock to be on call so they are never alone.

The thing is that no one but you can know when to call the shots and even then you won't. Guilt is a big one for me. Don't all good DILs take care of their in laws. Uh, no.

So, while I did spend the first 4 years doing it all, SIL pushed me to get outside help and I am GLAD she did. Yes, it took time for mom and dad to get used to strangers and yes is was more work for a while but it has been worth it. Sending them to the nursing home for respite has been a Godsend. Another Godsend is the COPES program in our state. This way I can get paid for what care I do give.

Mom and dad won't be getting better. That is just the facts. So I know that the time is coming that one then the other will go to the local home for long term care.

it's all good. Please please don't let guilt coerce you into self torture. I have had to pull back my care from them as I had overdone my services. Their expectations are high due to my loving care those first years - now they say no one ever comes. Well, we do and so do the aides and nurses at the home but just not as fast I did when I didn't know better. I have created monsters by waiting on them. I stole their independence, too. now in backing off they say no one cares. But in time they will adjust.

Meanwhile, I have more time for my still at home children and love for my hubby. Learn to be present - live in the moment. Even Jesus said Take no thought (don't worry about) tomorrow. So, I am learning not to worry about tomorrow. Take each day - each moment - and breathe.

And yes, the whining and griping rings in the background. But my ears are tuned to what the needs are and then letting all the rest go.

final word: Learn to say no. In the most loving way possible be prepared to just walk away. And no, it isn't easy but just do it.

I'm glad to hear others feel the same way. My Mom has Alzheimers. My Daddy died almost a couple of years ago. I feel that this disease has consumed my life. You just told my story. My heart aches for you because I know what it feels like to go through every day is a journey. I would and have done everything I know to do for my Mom. I don't expect anything in return. It's heart breaking to see the person you love the most, die mentally. I have been grieving the lost of my Mom even though she is still alive. My older siblings have stolen from her and deny she has Alzheimers but then use it to their benefit. I'm glad that I found this forum. I belong to another site but something about this particular forum has touched me. My Mom's doctor is recommending geriactric resource services, where a private case worker would be involved. Not sure how it works or how much it cost. There is no money....praying for a miracle.

Yoga has been a helpful way to breathe, focus and get away from it all!